Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The New Year Grinding On

I have never been good at catching things. There are some things that I do well, but the awesome defense method portrayed in movies once in a while (before the friggin super powered and totally unrealistic crap came to be dominant) was within a good fist fight. In this, usually the protagonist, easily and without seeming effort holds up his hand and intercepts a fist aimed at his face. Nice choreography, bad realism. Even if I were that swift, the point of impact would be pushed back, flattening my nose, and I would go with it unless I outweighed the antagonist by some tons of body mass.

In a similar fashion, but less strenuously, I have seen jugglers handle their little balls with adroit abandon. Maybe they had been practicing, which I tend to overlook. I figure that if I can’t do it on the first try, it’s not worth doing. Yes, that sucks in some situations, and I was proven wrong as I walked away with the symbolic fat lips as a result. For some strange reason, I have always gotten away with my lack of practice beforehand. Then again, I have led a sheltered life in spite of the bad things into which I tend to get myself. This is not new. I was borne into it, I continued it as a child, and practiced it as an adult. One might call it a habit borne of lack of common sense. In fact, my most recent failures are based on exactly that. But I don’t want to bore you with more introspection.

As you may have guessed I am in a bit of depressed mood. The cause is my feeling of helplessness: I don’t yet see a way out of these problems. I see my limitations, I see my potential for failure, and the one thing that I don’t see at this time is the positive approach to handle them. The only thing that saves my skinny ass is remembering that, regardless of how badly I had messed up a situation before, I always figured out a way to get myself out of it. So, here is a toast to myself, “I wish you luck, you dumb schmuck!”

It’s All About Sex

I spent some time trying to find results of scientific research into the subject of how important sex is in a relationship, especially in marriage. I found many articles, advertisements advices, etc., but none published in legitimate research studies. Then I did some more research on “sexless marriage” and variants of the phrase. I again came up with many. What was interesting is, that with respect to this phrase, most links by far were about the following:

  • What to do when your partner is less motivated for sex
  • How to improve your marriage through more sex
  • Why partners cheat (unsatisfied sex)
  • Unhappy marriages (lack of or no sex)
  • Marriage saving secrets (enhance your sex)

The list goes on, but the theme is common: if there is not sufficient sex, or the kind of sex that one wants, there is a problem. Duh?

A study reported that “2 percent of the respondents reported no sex in a year.” This is from US National Health and Social Life Survey in 1994 (Laumann et al. 1994). Ok, this is an old survey, so we don’t really know how applicable it is to us at this time. But it indicates that 98 percent did have sex.

I don’t want to make this a dry, boring, scientific article that would require tenuous and lengthy research with interviews, although the interviews might be interesting. I could try a survey on my blog, but aside from being fun, it would be biased: people who read this blog are into sex already, and think that it is important in a relationship.

A relationship, for the largest majority, is all about sex. Sexual attraction is what prompts a man to approach and then court a woman (or vice versa). Everything else is expected to follow. A man does not exhibit “pure love” toward the object of his desire unless she is attractive to him in some way. We will skip over extreme psychological abnormality and go on with the discussion. I am willing to include homosexuality here, but you may have to help me with that since I don’t have a credible insight into that aspect of sexual attraction.

A man has certain needs, be they vanilla or major kink, and he is looking around for someone to satisfiy them. That is a reason for hooking up with a partner in the first place. So he gets some of what he wanted, and is happy for the moment. Then he wants more of the same or maybe some different needs to be satisfied. If he is not getting it from his partner, the least he will do is complain. If fhe cant’t get his needs met he will either split or try to get it outside the partnership.

A slight departure from the above is this. A long term relationship is likely to share love that is eternal. I know, I am getting into romantic stuff that most realists will dismiss. I am talking of a couple who has shared a life time of sex, love, joy, and are no longer in the rutting mode for some legitimate reason. They stay together because they are committed. The basis of their commitment is all the good things that they have shared. Finally, sex is transcended by love and compassion. Rare, but real.

Is FLR Different When It Comes to Sex?

I have read and continue to read many blogs that have come and gone dealing with FLR. Regardless of how enthusiastic one or both partners are, this relationship fails when it no longer meets expectations, or when one of the partners does something stupid. There is no magic just because one is in an FLR. The expectations can be anything, but it always comes down to sex, especially from the man’s point of view. Most FLRs start out with a man desiring to be dominated in the bedroom. Whether or not that works, he keeps pushing to extend his partner’s dominance over him to other aspects of their relationship. He is trying to live his fantasy of being dominated by a woman. Any woman. It just so happens that he is in a relationship with one, so naturally he assumes that she will provide his sexual fantasy. Just because he claims being submissive to a female, does not take away this powerful need that is not being satisfied.

The woman may or may not be a natural dominant. Even though a dominant position offers many benefits, it comes with responsibilities and annoyances. Unless the idea of an FLR is or becomes strong in her mind, she will not support it against a man’s constant pushing and nagging.

An FLR can accommodate the satisfaction of many fantasies. Any particular fantasy can be examined from the point of view of both partners. For example, sissyfication. Is that about sex? Who wants it more, man or woman? To what degree does either want it? Is it escalating? I think that I know the answer to all of these questions. As a side note, I have a problem with the word sissyfication and I will write about it later. Nevertheless, sissyfication, or any other kink, is not a requisite of FLR, just a satisfaction of one’s sexual fantasies. However, a kink is more likely to be condoned in an FLR than in a vanilla relationship. The list of these fantasy attributes often found in an FLR is long and would be fun to explore. Maybe at another time.

Before you throw me under the bus, I want to point out again that there are successful long-term FLRs and that I am in full support of them. It is also evident that there are successful long-term non-FLRs. We just don’t have reliable statistics to support the efficacy of either flavor of relationship. In any case, long term relationships have one thing in common: satisfactory sexual performance. Without that, either relationship will fail.

Feeling Self Pity Again

You people out there read my blog. I don’t know whether you search for certain keywords, stumble on this site and go away disgustedly unsatisfied, or because you are looking for some intellectual or kinky stimulation just a tad above pornography. Fine. Watever. It would be nice, however, if you left a note in case you got anything positive out of visiting here. I feel as if I am alone. Mental masturbation works only for a while. Then one needs a stroke by some other folk. So, give me a stroke once in a while!


Anonymous said...

As beginners to FLR my boyfriend and I especially love reading your comments/insights. Never before thinking about being in this type of relationship, until he confessed his desires, there is only so much information I can obtain through books. Your blog entries allow me to look into the life of a couple currently living a FLR and see how it works. It is also really helpful to me that it is your pov so I can better understand what is going on in my bf head.

belle said...

I love reading your blog!!

Susan's Pet said...

I am glad to have helped. I wish you both "good love".

whatevershesays said...

Another great post. I'm going to post now about sex. You got me motivated!

Anonymous said...

Women are worriers and thinkers. They'll appreciate your hard work and expect it(whether in a FLR or not) but want to be "dated". In other words, do things that edge them towards the romantic mode and less the worldly grind mode. Write notes, flowers, a gift here and there. One book I highly recommend is "She Comes First". Read it a couple of times and do some tongue pushups because she'll want that oral workout more often after you have read that book. ;-)

Susan's Pet said...

I agree about the "dating" concept. For example, MW wants to eat out often. My general attitude is, "Tell me when you want to go, and we go." This does two things. One is, it pisses her off, because I should have known when she wants to go out. The other is that if I did not think of it in the first place, it does not count.


About the book, I have considered buying it at one time. Then I dismissed it because I already know all about that.

Just kidding. If you can guarantee that she will want more oral service "after I read it", I will do so. But how does that work?

Urmel said...

Whow. What a long post; almost an article.

I like your analysis of how fantasies, expectations, and reality meet in relationships and FLRs in particular. I am thinking about these aspects a lot these days. There are many blogs where men try to convert their relationship and reading on we discover that a common motive is lack of sex.

I doubt that a converted relationship will have more sex. Maybe different sex. And if the new style is better, then there is an improvement.

I am convinced that men and women are driven by internal sexual clocks. They tick at a certain speed. The speed is set by many things. Many things will slow that clock down further and only few will speed it up.

Susan's Pet said...


Very well said.

Anonymous said...

Whether or not readers leave comments, do know that you are by no means alone. Lady Z and I have had an FLR for many, many years and like yourself, a male chastity device plays a starring role. Mine is a Lori's tube with a PA. Unlike the CB series (which we also tried), the Lori's with a PA is not removable without a key.

It took a bit of time and a couple of send-backs for minor adjustments, but the device is now wearable for quite extended periods of time. I have to earn release time and just "normal" submission and obedience does not do the trick. Release requires "service above and beyond the call of duty" so to speak.

Susan's Pet said...


I have looked at Lori's tubes with awe over that last couple of years. They are indeed coveted by me. We have not tried them mostly because I don't spend on toys for my own amusement, and my wife is either not aware of these devices or does not think they are worth the cost. This does not mean, however, that I would not like to try one.

The way we are is more or less on a "Let me do this to you and see how I like it" concept. She does it, and if she likes it, then we do it again. For my purposes I like that idea of male chastity, but I also like being used by her. She on the other hand, likes to abuse me occasionally, but does not make it a lifestyle. This is both good and bad, but I must not complain.

The CB2000 that we use was the "state of the art" at the time we bought it. Because she does not go into chastity as a lifestyle, we chose not to invest any more in newer and more expensive devices. What this means is that I still have a lot to experience, and she still has a lot to give. We will see.

I like what you wrote, 'I have to earn release time and just "normal" submission and obedience does not do the trick. Release requires "service above and beyond the call of duty" so to speak.'

That is the essence of the use of the device. I am curious to know what you must do "above and beyond the call of duty" to earn a relase, and what the "release" consists of.

Anonymous said...

well I come here for the pornography. I search the terms naked and natural and read those paragraphs. Yes, it's little more than erotica to me.