Thursday, January 24, 2008

From Her Point Of View: the Introduction

MW has not been writing on her blog. I asked her why. She did not say.

She has made some short posts which are mostly non-committing. It is as if she did not want to share her thoughts with the world. This is curious. Then why have the blog in the first place?

I commented in a couple of places that she and I talk relatively freely about our feelings. At least, I do. I don’t know how much she is holding back. I know only of what she shares. If she has reservations or negative thoughts about our FLR, I would not know. The only sign of what she may be missing was indicated by a comment about two years ago. I don’t remember her exact words, but she seemed to miss the occasional spontaneous sex that I used to initiate. As I said more than once, “All has to do with sex.”

Sex is either driving the relationship, or is destroying the relationship by its intensity and frequency or lack of intensity and frequency. It is impossible for two people to mesh so perfectly that their need for intimacy coincide in intensity, duration, frequency, type, etc.. for any length of time. They may have occasionally perfect sex that turns out satisfying for both. But most often there is something that was not addressed, and it gnaws at one’s ability to maintain status quo.

We can take a typical FLR male’s perspective and see where the satisfaction happens to be. Let’s say that he is very happy and smug in knowing how selfless and subservient he is. He takes care of the object of his servitude to the extent that she needs not do anything except to enjoy it. This is the ultimate of the male’s submission. It is also the ultimate of decadence on the part of the female. It works momentarily, then it begins to cause dissatisfaction among the submissives, even perhaps among the dominants. The dynamics have been removed from the relationship. Nothing unpredictable happens any more.

There Is No Perfect FLR

There is no perfect FLR. Once having reached perfection, FLR is no longer perfect. It is best to enjoy FLR on the way to perfection that will never be reached. This brings the line of thought back to how sex or lack of sex fuels the FLR. Scratch a submissive male, and you will find a horny male just barely below the surface. In my case you need not scratch at all. I am horny, and I am proud of it. MW knows it, and it is a constant source of amusement for both of us, but mostly for her. She knows that I could be doing something totally unrelated to sex, and be really immersed in its intricacies. If she so much as gently drags her nail across one of my nipples, even through a shirt, she immediately has my attention, and the attention of the little guy. This proves to me that she is aware of my condition, willingness, capability, and preoccupation with sex. And that is what I am trying to present here: her awareness. The problem is, that I don’t know what she thinks. Even though we share much, I still don’t know what she wants, what motivates her, why she does or does not do things which I consider fun and harmless. For all I know, she has these same thoughts about me.

One thing I realize is that I am expected to be spontaneous. For example, she likes to go to eat in restaurants. I have told her,
"Any time that you want to go out, tell me, and we will.”
Her response was something like,
“If it was not your idea but mine, then it’s just not worth it.”
This is similar to the lack of spontaneity with respect to my initiating sex: If she has to start it and dictate it, it is just not worth the effort. And there is the rub.

Some years ago I made a decision to not have sex with her unless she initiated it. I alluded to this at the beginning of my blog, but did not elaborate. Suffice it to say that my new approach, in context with all else, worked well. We removed a lot of strife from our relationship. It appears, however, that we also removed some needed spontaneity that she liked occasionally. Much like the person who is taking presrcribed medication to alleviate, say, depression. It works, but it also suppresses other wanted emotions.

I can see that she is now charged with the burden of responsibility that I used to carry. She gets only what she directs me to do when it comes to sex. I have become sort of like an intelligent dildo: I will perform perfectly when called upon, but the self motivation is no longer there. We both end up missing the same thing in this respect.

The above is not completely true. I do initiate sex once in a while. I do it with delicacy such that it is up to her to allow me to continue or not. Most of the time I stop based on her signals. Even though I don’t find it entirely satisfactory from the libido perspective, it is still a safe and civil approach. It also demonstrates what I profess, that is, I serve her, she is in charge, and we do what she wants. The complexity of the interaction and subsequent feelings defies definition. All I can do is describe the feelings and activity, and leave conclusions unsaid.

After our short interchange at the beginning of this post we kicked around an idea. She seems hesitant to write her thoughts, so maybe I should attempt it. I could pretend to be her, and write what I think and what I feel of our FLR.

The more I thought about this, the less confident I became about doing it. I am afraid that I would end up writing about a fantasy female, but from a male point of view. We have all seen this happen in erotic novels.

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