Thursday, March 31, 2011

Trouble with the Practice of Tease-And-Deny

There are many blogs that advocate some degree of female led relationships ranging from a man staying home and becoming a housewife to becoming a total slave to a woman. Many of those favor the sexual satisfaction of the male controlled by the dominant partner. Most of these are written by men even when they claim to be women.

There are relatively few blogs dealing with the subject of tease-and-deny where the female admits to enjoying it when applying it to her partner. We are not even sure that some of those female-written blogs are authentic.

Looking at it from the point of view of a self-proclaimed submissive man, he will not voluntarily submit to drudgery and oppression by a woman without expecting some thrills for his troubles. Although a man, who is not necessarily submissive, may also want to submit in particular ways, he will similarly expect to receive some thrills from his woman. Let’s face it, a preference for voluntary submission of any nature is or at least borders on a sexual preference. In simple words, we call it a kink. Tease-and-deny fits in there perfectly, and I will show what the problem is, and why it occurs.

If you read patiently through the rest of this monolog you may want to refute my assertions by your own anecdotal evidence: citing an instance when this practice of tease-and-deny is working. Fine, if it is working for you. Just keep in mind that one instance does not make it true in general. You also have to ask, “How long has it worked? Is it continuous?”, and “Is it permanent?” I wish that I were wrong about this. Alas, that is not so.

Becoming Dominant by Decree

Before I get into this I will state that naturally dominant women have no problem dealing with intelligent and naturally submissive men. It is the other combinations that are troublesome.

There are a number of problems when the role of dominance is forced onto a woman whether or not she is vanilla or dominant already. Submissive people like to be forced in limited circumstances. Some dominants will go along with it when it titillates their kink. Those near 50/50 and above on the submissive-to-dominant scale will resist. Those closer to dominant will fight.

I am convinced that if people are left to their own devices when they are expected to be dominant, they don’t change. If conditions are right they might accommodate the circumstances and do something out of kindness for a while. The problem is, it is not natural for any person to do this. The would-be dominant woman may learn the technique expected of her by her relatively submissive man from various sources. She may learn the advantages to her. However, on the long run she will revert to her natural inclination. She is expected to perform in a way that is contrary to her being naturally dominant or dominant by decree. If she is dominant already, then she need not do anything that her submissive partner expects, after all, she wants to run the show as she sees fit. Yet the submissive partner truly expects certain things from her. So there is a logical contradiction in the requirements that leads to strife.

I have read many postings by men expressing their frustration about “Her not understanding the problem, therefore, not following through with the tease-and-deny”. They claim that even after a number of attempts at explanation, hints, offer of reading material, their women “just don’t get it”.

I believe that the women do get it. An intelligent woman understands this kinky submissive need very well. This is especially so after reading authoritative articles and books on it (I am not talking about reading the fantasy of some illiterate blogger). The problem is not lack of understanding, but lack of purpose. Every time she senses that her submissive man needs more tease-and-denial it is a chore for her that should not be assigned to a supposedly dominant woman. To a man expecting it, her reluctance makes no sense. After all, he is not asking for blatant sex. He is not asking for penetrating intercourse. All he is asking for is sexual domination by her and occasional release. In other words, “Here is the script, please follow it.”

It takes two to have a relationship. The submissive man’s part is passive. All he needs to do is follow her orders. The supposedly dominant woman’s part is active. Regardless of what the man thinks, the woman has the responsibility of planning the scenario, laying out the props, and then executing the scenario. She is also likely to do a self-evaluation afterward, “Is this what he expected? Did I satisfy him? How in hell can I be dominant and still do what he says or expects of me?”

Unless she gets a sexual thrill out of this blatant sexual kink of her submissive partner, or out of the power she has over him, she will not do it; at least, not for long, and not often. I coined the term “ignore and deny” by paraphrasing the tease-and-deny idea in a couple of my earlier postings. Ignore-and-deny fits very well into the behavior and expectations of a woman whether she is dominant or just playing dominant: it is much easier to maintain than tease-and-deny. If a man desiring tease-and-deny feels being ignored, she does not see it that way. She may feel that his being denied satisfies her obligations. If he tries to explain again, she will just feel guilty or angry or both, and the man will get nowhere. These men may as well get used to it.

Still, It Works In Short Spurts, Sort Of …

One might say that even in a vanilla relationship a woman will do things for her partner simply because she loves him and knows that he needs it. Yes she will do that sometimes, but not often enough. This is why many men wish to be in a female led relationship, and consequently become the object of tease-and-denial. That last wish validates his lack of adequate sexual satisfaction. If he achieves those two wishes, then the result will legitimize his not getting enough sex.

If she goes along with his need for tease-and-deny, she is doing something for him out of love. But don’t expect the whole nine yards 24/7/365. Even her parts would wear out if she tried. A somewhat reasonable alternative to tease-and-deny is offered by chastity play that comes with built-in denial. If she leaves most of the details to her man, then she need not do much, which supports both tease and the ignore version of denial. There are problems with these too, which I may cover in another post. The trouble is that practicing the mythical forced chastity will not change a thing. The long-term maintenance of this new kink is still her responsibility, and she will handle it the same way: ignore it.

This attitude by the woman is not because of the particulars of tease-and-deny and ignore-and-deny. If the man has other kinks that don’t work without her support, he is just as much up the creek without a paddle. Vanilla marriages and relationships break because of the woman’s unwillingness to support his kink. Kink needs maintenance for satisfied relationships, and maintenance is expensive in time, attention, effort, etc. That is how professional dominants make a living.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Rules of Dominance and Submission

Someone new to the D/S game will immediately be aroused on reading rules of dominance and submission as long as they are well written by his standards. For example, I have seen several contracts written mostly by would-be male submissives as to how to behave with respect to their (imaginary or real) dominatresses. However, after reading a lot, maybe even practicing the discipline, one comes up with rules that apply in his or her case, and don’t necessarily apply to another submissive or dominant. With rare exception, D/S is not a religious doctrine that must be followed by the believers regardless of their position.

I am amused when a dominant woman proudly exclaims, “My submissive male has no rights except those that I allow him. He will do no more, nor less, than I prescribe…” Similarly, a submissive male claims that he will follow his mistreatesses’ orders to the letter, he expects nothing in return but to serve her, … OK, these are hypothetical characters created from the stuff that is out there masquerading as real relationships. If you do enough reading, you will run across them.

Most of us (notice, not “all of us”) who have some obvious dominant or submissive leaning could go with the above two caricatures for a short time, say a weekend, and probably enjoy it much. Very few of us could go with the roles they described on a long-term basis. Similarly, few of us would be likely to go with them forever, unless dying on the job. That leaves most of us dominants and submissives to follow our own rules. These rules intersect with rules of others, but are by no means the same.

When a dominant says, “There is no need for me to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ when dealing with my submissive,” it is just her opinion based on her rules. When a submissive says, “My domina must tell me what I am allowed to do, how and when to do it, and punish me if I fail, and here is how she will …” he is similarly making his own rules. Some of us love these rules, others laugh at them.

If everybody followed the same strict rules, and wrote about how they live with them, there would be no interest in our reading about them. What makes reading about them interesting is how different the rules are, and how differently we react to them.

The behavior and demeanor of a dominant can range from firm but polite to sadistic and crude. When the D/S relationship is consensual, the submissive will find just the right combination offered by the dominant, and both will be happy at first. Over time they each may stretch their own and their partner’s limits. That trend is part of keeping a relationship vital and viable.

Pornographers often make the mistake of portraying dominants in a narrow stereotypical fashion, which makes their product trivial at best, annoying and offensive often. An example is a woman without redeeming features who is wielding a whip. I always say, “It’s not what you have, but what you do with it …” that counts. But, if she is unattractive, uses a nasal, whiny shrill voice, bad grammar, and badly improvised monolog while incompetently trying to impart some pain to a hapless male, the whole production is wasted. “To each his own,” to be sure, however, I have my limits. This is why I am still searching in vain for any video that would interest me to spend more than a few seconds of my time.

I don’t have rules for my own purposes, but do have preferences:
  • I like a dominant woman who does not feel the need to scream or to use profanity.
  • I like a dominant woman who knows what she wants and knows how to take it.
  • I like a dominant woman who does not mind causing pain for her submissive, but knows her and his limits. I don’t believe in using “safe words”. To me “yes” means yes, and “no” means no, and so it should be for her.
  • I like a dominant woman who is polite and caring while she can be strict and firm to any extent.
  • I like a dominant woman who can impart pleasure as readily as pain to her submissive. She knows just the right amount to satisfy herself.
  • I like a dominant woman who can give me instruction to the extent that I need them to accomplish my task, thereby assume that I am intelligent.

Note that none of the above precludes role-playing, or prescribes what she or I can do. I have preferences, but the scenario is hers to plan and to execute. Her looks, age, size, shape, and weight are not prescribed either. What she wears, what she says, what she uses is up to her. She can be totally her sweet self or a dominating bitch anywhere any time. She can be vanilla but with an edge that tells me that as sweet as she is, she is still in charge. She can show me off as her submissive, or play with the straights and pretend that I am in charge. As long as she is clean and healthy I am all hers.
Of course, all this is moot, since I am not in a position to be looking for a dominant woman of my dreams: I am married to MW for life.
As a support to my treatise I am posting a poll on the subject, titled, “What Kind of D/S Do You Prefer?” If you are a switch you can answer both sets of questions. There are two categories: dominance and demeanor. Although they can overlap, they describe different traits.
If you are dominant, which of the following dominance and demeanor traits fit you best? Pick one in each category.

  • Caring, firm, demanding, abusive, sadistic
  • Polite, civil, careless, rude, crude on purpose

If you are submissive, which kind of dominant do you prefer? Pick one in each category.

  • Caring, firm, demanding, abusive, sadistic
  • Polite, civil, careless, rude, crude on purpose

Due to the limited space and capability of the polling tool provided by my blogger ISP, the new poll on the right is slightly different, but still workable.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Why Do Some Men Crave Forced Chastity?

Before I get into the subject I want to cover I have some questions. I am using Google Blogger to present and publish my blog. For a couple of weeks now the disclaimer page that warns users of the potentially sexual content of the blog shows up in German instead of English. I have not done anything on purpose to cause this. The Google support is inaccessible, so there is nobody to ask. Does anyone know why this changed from English to German? Does anyone know how to change it back?

From Horny Males to Horny Men

If men are getting all the sex that they need, chastity does not enter their mind. Most males don’t get enough, so in a way that is like chastity. Chastity can be imposed by self, by circumstances, or by another person.

Self-imposed chastity is a weird state of mind for little benefit or lack of good reason. I am sure that there are still religious and mystical reasons for it, but that is not the subject of this post.

Chastity imposed by circumstances is the most common. This is the reality when he would have sex, or at least his preferred way of sex, if he could meet the needs of the situation, which ranges from unlikely to impossible. Think of being marooned alone on a desert island, being in prison, or in some kind of medical condition that is not conducive to sex as he prefers it. There are many of us who go through this from time to time even without the above mentioned extreme circumstances. Prolonged illness, illness of a partner, shyness, being involved with some serious projects tend to limit access to preferred sex. Generally these are temporary, so a better word for it would be celibacy rather than chastity. However, the result is the same: he is not getting any.

The third reason for chastity is imposed by another person. This is rare, and in today’s civilized society makes little sense except for children and kinky adult play. Zeroing in on the most fun reason, that is kinky adult play, brings us to the subject suggested by the title of this post.

The horny state of a male is nature’s way to provide for females to become impregnated and thereby produce enough offsprings to ensure the survival of the species. Don’t blame this on men. The reason is much deeper than that: evolution presses on the viable. Those who are not horny die without viable offsprings. Of course, with today’s technology that is not necessarily a vital issue. The non-viable survive, and propagate to produce more non-viable offsprings, thereby ensuring reliance on science to survive. Then, when science fails, survival fails, and the rats will inherit Earth.

Narrowing “male“ to “man”, and his needs, one must admit that homo sapiens has come a long way to differentiate between ordinary rut and somewhat civilized satisfaction of the sexual urges. Aside from hunting and gathering to support the subsequent issues, there are social, moral, and financial implications of inserting a penis into a vagina.

In the last few decades of Western society any pimple-faced adolescent male became able to get satisfaction. When he wants oral, vaginal, or anal sex, a liberated female of whatever age will provide it. It is no longer a matter of “saving it for my love” issue. It has become “a moment satisfaction” goal. Sex is there for the taking.

In the rare case when the female refuses vaginal sex the man involved pursues his goal as he was programmed to do by a million years of evolution. He tries, he fails to succeed, he masturbates, and then he tries again. Over time he learns that deprivation of female approved sex has left him with wanting. Self-gratification works for the short term, but is much less satisfactory than being involved with a partner to provide true satisfaction. The external control is missing. She has to provide the challenge, the fangs, the claws, the software, the pheromones, in order to be fulfilled his attempt. Without these pleasure enhancers it is like … you know, self-gratification.

The average male, assuming some intelligence above the level of apes, makes a connection between self-imposed celibacy and enforced chastity. He is single or being without a partner to satisfy his urges. Even with a partner, he is missing the frequency that ranges from rare to never. The bottom line is, he is not getting enough. He thinks back to his teen-age years of wondering about things and having nothing but manual stimulation by his dominant hand, he realizes that things are not any better some years into his chronological adulthood.

Where Does He Get the Idea?

He has read pornography to learn the ways and means and to stimulate his urges. He knows that there are other ways than the dominant hand. He fantasizes and reads blogs and forums on subjects that relate to his need. He runs into the realm of chastity. Suddenly he is into hog heaven. He reads and responds to men of similar yearnings and experiences. He is horny. His sexual satisfaction graph is characterized by a flat line with occasional blips due to the dominant hand. He yearns for someone to do it to him in just about any way known to men. Even though the means are available by social intercourse, he is too shy, too ugly, too timid, or too busy to cash in on them. Then again, he may be in a relationship that has gone useless as far as mutual sex is concerned.

Mechanical Chastity

In his reading of the Internet he has run across ways of accomplishing this. Most prominent is the chastity fantasy where a key holder controls his frequency of sexual pleasure. He invests in some form of chastity device, installs it furtively on his parts, and gets a kick out of the experience. He tries to hide it from his partner until or when he figures out what might work with her. He runs into the same problems as legitimately chastised males: physical and physiological problems with the nasty device he is trying, and getting his partner interested if it works for him. He wastes more money going through the various devices and ways of acclimating himself to them. If he has a partner who does not know what he is doing, he has the problem of hiding his fetish. If his partner is aware but not willing, he needs to convince her that it would be in her interest. He thinks, “I’m not getting any because my partner isn’t interested. What if I could get her interested in denying my pleasure at her pleasure? At least I would have a reason to justify my being celibate? She could ignore me with a purpose! I would be in enforced chastity!”

Meanwhile, in spite of the problems with the device he is somewhat turned on for the nonce. It is no worse than having no experience in the real, but at as long as he is not getting any real sex, he can fantasize that he is being under chastity. It remains a thrill for a while. Then it wears off, and he releases himself. As pleasurable as the release was, he feels like a failure afterward. He is back to where he was before he first put on the first device: no sex. Is he going to re-install the chastity device? Will he wait a day or so before doing so? Will he think that next time will be better?

I am a man, so I don’t know for sure whether there are women who enjoy applying some form of chastity to their men for any reason even though this is the most coveted position by the men who want to be put into chastity. After some years of research and reading of blogs I have concluded that these women, if they exist, are rare. Men or men masquerading as women write most blogs and forum posts along these lines.

I feel that some women would prefer to keep their man’s pecker locked as a matter of convenience to them! As a result they would not have to deal with sloppy spills, grunting sweaty and prickly male bodies, and of course, pregnancy and the ensuing little rug rats. She could avoid doing some unpleasant work in exchange for satisfying a man’s weird needs.

Still, a majority of women like men, love to have sex with men, and are willing to put up with some inconvenience for the pleasure, safety, and comfort they receive as a partner. Then there are women who take the more positive approach of arranging all this for themselves, and the men in their relationship are in hog heaven. Then there is the rest …

Chastity Imposed on a Man

Putting a man into chastity is at the man’s discretion on the large. But why would he choose that? I think I know the reasons. The common denominator is that he is already not getting any or enough sex, so being put into chastity would not change that. His partner, who would or could otherwise provide his needed releases, is not doing it. What if he were to introduce her to this fetish? What if she takes it as a convenient out of dealing with his hornyness? He won’t be getting less sex, but at least he could rationalize that he is in the hands of a female who decides his pleasure, therefore it is beyond his control. He would still be getting nothing, but it would at least be because a woman decided so. The big difference is the external control.

Being Under Her Sexual Control

The problem is that the woman who does not want sex, or does not want it often, is the same woman who does not want to deal with the detailed fantasy of the man who started this process. Does she want to install the device on him? Does she want to release him for maintenance and cleaning? Does she want to prescribe when, where, how, and how frequently he should orgasm? Does she want to deal with this kinky pseudo sex just to avoid the real thing? Well, to some degree, some women do. But mostly, it is just a male rationalization of why he is not getting any sex. If, in addition, the man remains horny and is willing to do any kind of sex or lack of sex with her, then she is where she prefers to be. She has nothing to lose, and he is happy deluding himself thinking that she is controlling him. Of courses, when he becomes dissatisfied, the game is over. Who is really in control?

On the other hand, being in constant hog heaven on the short term is not that bad. One always hopes that the key holder will take our fantasy seriously enough to play along for a long time, and once in a while up the ante – so to speak. Any pleasure she allows on the side is a gift from her, any pain we suffer is a gift to her. We give up control in exchange for being taken care of. As long as she plays our game we are thankfully in it. Where is the harm?