Friday, October 30, 2009

The Anti-Aging Initiative

A few months ago I paid tribute to My Patriotic Friend. He is still around, and keeps writing in his ornery acerbic style when it comes to the foolishness of our elected representatives. The following is one of his tongue-in-cheek spoofs but with a bite.

After years of studying data on Medicare recipients it has been determined that aging is a major cause of death by far while wasting a lot of medical care on those who would die anyway.

Whereas Medicare is essentially defunct, and that today’s, tomorrow’s, and (the day after tomorrow’s) earnings will be heavily taxed to pay for it, an effective way has to be found to reduce the cost. It is already known that the newly proposed National Health Care plan will not have the funds to bail out Medicare. Therefore, an Anti Aging Tsar has been appointed by the benevolent, omniscient, and omnipotent leader.

The charter of this Anti Aging Tsar is to reduce the toll taken by aging, and therefore, reduce the cost of supporting those who remain alive.

A number of methods are under consideration. Since a national lottery for medical health is already part of the National Health Care plan, a natural extension of that is the national lottery for aging. To wit, health care will be dealt based on your National Health Care lottery winning: if you win, you get something (undisclosed). If you lose, you get nothing, but you may try the lottery again later. In a somewhat similar fashion, in the Anti Aging agenda, there would be a national lottery for aging: if you win, you will be allowed to age. If you lose, you may try again, but with some limitations.

The anti aging cutoff age at the start is 65, and it is expected that the age will be lowered as the office runs out of money on account of the Dollar not being worth as much as it used to be in view of the large sums printed lately. Since the purpose is anti aging, any method to prevent aging will be considered. On the menu of limiting aging are (1) withholding medical care, (2) freezing Social Security benefits at the 2008 level. In addition, in the spirit of green earth the cooling of homes in the summer, and heating of homes in the winter for those over the cutoff age will be limited, unless they are members of the Congress or the Presidency.

On the positive side, anybody past the anti aging cutoff age will be given a National Health Care lottery ticket for every eight hours of volunteer work in hazardous waste cleanup, picking up trash left by illegal aliens crossing the desert as they are escaping from the US, and bailing out the rising level of the oceans due to the global warming trend.

The water bailed out of the oceans will be used to run electrical generation equipment in support of renewable energy. The provided electricity will be offered to emerging nations who have not yet, and are not planning to sign up to the green earth policy in order to offset the amount of the pollution they rightfully produce as a result of the USA outsourcing all former manufacturing and power generation due to the “Cap-And-Tax” bill passed by our congress. Oldsters are also encouraged to emigrate to emerging nations so as to reduce the burden on our Medicare and National Health Care.

Since savings, investments, IRA’s, retirement funds, pensions, and Social Security benefits have become worthless, retired people are encouraged to find jobs in the service industry formerly held by illegal aliens. Illegal aliens are returning to their native countries in hordes. The former third world countries’ economy is now picking up due to outsourcing from the US.

Because of the severe environmental impact fees imposed on our former agricultural producers, all of our food is now produced south of the border. Oldsters are further encouraged to get jobs in the now up and coming industries in Mexico, Central, and South America. Be warned, however, that the US-Mexican border is now heavily guarded by the Federales against Gringos, and Mexico does not accept any legal entries for now. The waiting list for work visas is booked until the year 2050. However, there are still openings in Honduras, Venezuela, and Cuba, plus some other countries on a smaller scale.

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