Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Oh, The Children!

I have obtained inspiration from Mistress Kathy’s blog, and have commented on them a number of times. She is a caring and loving leader in her marriage, and a disciplinarian to her submissive husband. She is also good at relating to us the way she sees things. We need not agree with everything she says, but it is fun reading, and she is right most of the time. This time she again inspired me to post by her statement:

“On some level I would like to talk with my daughter. I would like to tell her that as part of her father's love for me he gives me complete obedience. I would like to tell her that I train and discipline him to be a better husband. I want to tell her that sweet, obedient men are truly a gift from God to be appreciated and loved. However, this is a conversation that I can not find the words to start.”

We try to teach our children to do the right thing, so that they survive and prosper. But in Mistress Kathy’s statement there is more. She wants to give her daughter information that, she assumes, would improve the lives of everybody around her. Alas, social prejudices prevail. Pity.

My wife and I don’t blatantly display our lifestyle to anyone. Our children may have some suspicions about who is in charge, but have no knowledge that I get my ass whipped if I don’t behave. In a way, I see nothing wrong with their learning that. We are not imposing our particular lifestyle on them if this became known.

The problems are based on current mores. In a patriarchal society, which is mostly what we live in, the man should be in charge, but not necessarily discipline his wife, and certainly not in an abusive way. It would be equally bad if a wife were to discipline her husband in an abusive way. Justification for either is a matter of subscribing to a degree of D/S.

Another problem we face is that parents are supposed to educate children by example. If the parents are dysfunctional, what does that convey to the children? A man who abuses his children or wife is dysfunctional. He may disagree, but it clearly shows that he does not have the mental capacity to be rational and fair. The same goes for a woman who behaves similarly.

Now, if we step back a bit, and get into kinky stuff, we can rationalize a lot. If a woman loves to submit to a dominant man, and loves to be locked into a cage occasionally, or even receive corporal punishment, is anyone being abused? Her male partner may be doing all that to satisfy her need to be treated that way. Given that, I see nothing wrong with a woman satisfying her man’s need to be dominated in any way to which they both agree. But this is not something that either of them would want to discuss at great length with their children. It’s kind of like not discussing the details of their sexual intercourse: the children know that it happens, but the details are not necessary. I would also have a problem with the children seeing their father's ass whipped by their mother for some assumed misbehavior.

To impart any of this to our children it may be sufficient to demonstrate the basics. For example, how their father behaves with respect to their mother, with his children, and with people in general.

I don’t feel the need to impress anyone. I know that there is always some other person who is better than I am at whatever I am trying to prove about myself. At some point in my life I concluded that my actions speak more about me than any words. I let people make up their mind about me based on what they see me do. In the same sense, our children make up their mind about my wife and me. The nice thing about this is that I never have to explain the reason for whatever I do. If they don’t see it right away, they will in a while given the context.

My wife and I have agreed several times that it would be good to introduce FLR to our daughter and daughter-in-laws. However, we decide not to share this aspect of our life so blatantly. If our actions don’t demonstrate it, they probably would not benefit from it. If they already suspect, then they know more than we assume, and should know what to do with it.

Getting back to Mistress Kathy’s comment, I think that she could tell her daughter the generality of her relationship with her husband. Her daughter need not see it the same way, but it does not matter. Kathy should keep the details to herself, for they are irrelevant to the matter of educating her daughter. This would relive stress all around.


subservient-husband said...

Mr. SP,

I remember reading when I first researched FLR/WLM that children need be sheltered from the details of the dynamic. I came across this suggestion in, not one, but about three places. I remember conveying this to my wife. Now that we are almost seven months into the relationship dynamic I feel that my wife may decide however she chooses in this regard. If she chooses to rack me in front of the children and beat me to a pulp, I am not sure I would stop her. I can't conceive she would ever do such a thing though. First, she is not into any corporal punishment. Second, she is a wonderful leader of the relationship and brings her intelligent level handed approach to child raising. Now a days, a lot of it is delegated to me, cooking, driving, dr. appointments, supervising; all according to her guidelines. I guess what I am trying to say is I have developed a trust for her so much that I do no longer trust my judgment as much and look to her direction instead. As such, if she wanted to tell the children, she would get no objection from me.


Susan's Pet said...


I am with you on this. If my wife chose to demonstrate her position, I would voice my opinion, but would do nothing to stop her from doing what she wants. My dear wife is not mean, an she seldom punishes me, and whe she does, I know that I deserve it. At other times, it's just for fun.

As for for your saying, "I have developed a trust for her so much that I do no longer trust my judgment as much and look to her direction instead. As such, if she wanted to tell the children, she would get no objection from me." I feel the same. I have nothing to hide, but some things to proudly demonstrate: I love my wife, and I will serve her in any way she wants. Of course, that would be within the limits of legal means.

VeezKnight said...

Goddess V and I don't go out of our way to hide our relationship from the kids. They know that I defer to her in all ways, they just don't know all the nitty gritty, or at least I don't think they do. (Kids are smart than we give them credit for sometimes.) But if Goddess V decided to out us to them entirely, I would have no objection, because I truly believe in this lifestyle.

doll said...

Only my very sharp hearing prevented one of my children from finding me in the process of bondage this week. I suspect he knew something was up as he took plenty of time to enter the house. They know their mother gets up to strange stuff but no details, just twinkling eyes when they warn me to take more care.

Kathy said...

Pet, thank you for the sweet comments about my blog. It is nice to know that someone is reading.

In my view there is nothing wrong with the children knowing that mom is head of the house. As far as talking with children, or family members, John has complete trust in my judgment.

What is missing from many blogs is the idea that while mom is head of the house, the father still has a position of respect in the family.

Children, even in a FLM should see the father as an authoirty figure.
The fact that the father's authority is derived from the mother, dosen't mean his authoirty is less real. He, as the father and breadwinner, is a person of respect in the family.

As I have stated on Femdom 101, the wife sits at the head of the table. However, the father sits in the position of repect to her right. She may be the cpatain, but the father is first mate.

In my view there is nothing wrong with a wife giving directions or simple orders to the husband in front of the children. Any type of discipline or punishment should be done in private.

Love, Kathy

Susan's Pet said...

Dear Kathy,

I agree with you on all counts. Our children look to me for strength, protection, and getting things done. They look to my wife for guidance and passion. We each have our strengths and kindness to impart. Ultimately, I never go agains her will. And the children sense that.

Milliscent said...

I do agree that the details of activities should not be discussed with children, but that the basic dynamic of the relationship should not be hidden.

The first is to me about private sexuality, the second about a loving relationship.

Certainly though I think it true that children always know a great deal more than their parents think they know, so I don't imagine that many bdsm couples are actually successfully hiding anything from their kids.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi SP:

My Queen has made it very clear that she does not want the sexual side of our female dominant relationship exposed to our teenage son in any way. It is quite evident who is the boss in our house, however, and the three of us frequently make jokes about it. She rules the roost and her dominance is just an accepted fact. Were I to suggest to our son that I "wear the pants in the family" he would no doubt reply; "yeah right Dad"!

He may have an inkling about the kinky sexual side of our relationship but I would never ask him. We never play when he is home but there are clues that he might discover were he to look hard enough.

He has told me that when he grows up he wants to marry a "nice submissive girl". That always makes me laugh! ;-)