Sunday, March 21, 2010

A Philosophical Dilemma of the Need to Serve

Kink Is Great, But It Will Not Endure

What do you want? Do you want her to be truly in charge, or do you want her to do what you think you need?

Some of us feel the need to be controlled by a woman. We go to the Woman Store, and shop. On the shelves are excellent and enticing products ranging from gently-guiding to raging sadists, all are females of accommodating nature to our needs. We wish that we could try all of them, but we need to be realistic about the price. We must choose one, for it will require expenditure in time, effort, finances, and emotions. It will require one-at-a-time commitment. It is not something that we can take home and use for one night, then exchange like a rented movie. Once we are into the relationship, we need to see it through for longer than one night.

The Woman Initiates the Relationship

Forget the Woman Store. Get realistic about the relationship that you think you have. By far the easiest would be when she says, “Here is the way we are going to have it. Take it or leave now.” You take it, and live with it. If you don’t like the result, well, tough shit. You have asked for it.

Even though this option was offered to you and you took it, you bitch about the result. She does not give you enough cock and ball torture. She does not deny and entice you enough. She does not cuckold you and use you to clean up afterward. She does not dress you as a maid and force you to serve her girlfriends. She does not put you over her knees and spank you.

What she does is what she wants to do, namely, use you for her purpose, which was the original intention only you did not see it. She has you work your ass off. She has you clean her house, cook her meals, and serve them to her. She has you work for a living, mow the lawn, wash her car, and make payments on it. What you get out of it is at her whim. From time to time you connect with her needs and yours, but mostly it is not with your needs. She is complacent in knowing that she has a schmuck who is willing to do anything for her in return for her just enjoying it. In an extreme case this might work. In general it will fail. The reason is that you expect compensation for your devotion, your hard labor, and your commitment. If all she does is take and not give, you get bored, then you get angry, then you want to quit.

You Initiate the Relationship

You are having a normal (vanilla) relationship with an attractive woman. Things develop to where both of you are ready for more than just dating once a week. You both commit to something long term. All is well until your questionable submissive needs surface again, and you need to do something: see a professional, suppress and ignore your feelings, or convince your woman that you need this serving a woman kink.

Seeing the professional would take care of the problem periodically. Suppressing your problem would eventually erupt in worse ways than you have it now. That leaves convincing your partner that she must change to accommodate your needs. Then you lay down your rules. She will have to force you to serve her in kinky ways. She will dress you in maid’s uniform, she will whip you for infractions, she will tie you to the bed and rape you, she will install a chastity device and keep you horny for years, she will bring home boyfriends and girlfriends to use you as a sex slave, she will use electrical devices on you, she will use a dildo to rape your ass, etc.

What if she does not want to do all or any of that?

Can you see the common theme in the two alternatives that I posed?

It’s all about your needs. In the first case she decided, but you don’t really want to do it her way. In the second case you are forcing her to do it your way even though none of that was her idea.

What Now?

There has to be a way to satisfy both of you, and that is where most relationships break when one or the other is unwilling to compromise. I read a rather involved posting on a blog at She Is In Charge in which the man said, “Far too much emphasis is put on what you think she would find desirable, and not what it is that she actually wants.” This is a general statement that, for once, I will endorse given the context of what a man wants. You think that she wants to be served, pampered, adored, and given total authority over you. Ideally, if you both support that notion, you are in hog-haven. The pisser is, things don’t work that way for longer than, well it depends: a few days, weeks, or a month. Things change, and you must change with them. Besides, did you ask her what she needs?

Relationships will work for a while. Even a one-night-stand qualifies. Longer commitments work when mutual needs are satisfied. Long-term relationships need basic support that most of us can’t give except in rare circumstances. Not all of us are lip-locked with kinky D/S material, which is the stuff of most of these blogs. Mutual needs will suffice for a while. However, when the kink or the sex goes, the relationship fails unless it was based on love and care.

Kink is great, but it will not endure. Stylized female led relationship is kink. Form your own conclusion.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hey SP:

Insightful post. You raise a lot of intriguing questions and leave us to answer them for ourselves. As it happens I have been struggling with some of these conundrums myself lately.

There is no one solution or formula that will "fix" the problems you describe. Working them out requires genuine love, trust, understanding and compromise on both sides.

If you are a submissive male you should be honest with your S.O. about your needs, wants and desires while at the same being realistic about your expectations and not pressuring her. That can be a bit like walking and chewing gum while riding a unicycle. It is not impossible but it is challenging and yes you will occasionally fall off the bike.

Subbies need to make sure their expectations are realistic and their heads are screwed on straight. Long lists of demands probably won't cut it. Unless you want to pay a professional it is highly unlikely that you will have all of your fantasies fulfilled. If you sincerely want love to be a part of the equation you must be willing to compromise.

If you are a women in a sincere loving relationship with a submissive man it really does help if you are genuinely dominant otherwise chances are slim you will be able to make a go of it. One way or another you have to take stock of your situation and realize that the submissive tendencies in your man can either be a tremendous benefit to you or can cause you great distress. (In certain cases it may be a bit of both. I believe that has been the case for Her Majesty.) Above all you must realize and accept that you will never change him.

Some women start off eagerly indulging a partner's submissive/masochistic tendencies in the beginning of the relationship only to flag off later and lose interest. That will only result in him feeling betrayed and disillusioned. It's probably better to walk away from the relationship if you don't think you are in it for the long haul. Other women allow their men to get their needs met on the outside with a professional. That is not true for the vast majority however.

Long term D/s relationships are extremely challenging and bear little resemblance to the pretty fairy tales and jerk off fantasies portrayed on most of these blogs. They take real work, solid commitment, compassionate understanding and flexibility on the part of both partners involved. There is no one set of rules for how to do this correctly. Everyone is different and there is not one right way to do this. You will have to find out what is right for you and your partner through trial and error, forge ahead and do the best you can one day at a time.

Whew! My response was longer than your post! :-p

Susan's Pet said...

I realize that I am preaching to the choir here. I just want to point out where we really resonate. You said among other things, "It's probably better to walk away from the relationship if you don't think you are in it for the long haul." I agree, yet I want to stand back and say, "Maybe you should not get into a relationship if you are uncertain or uneducated in the details."

The bad things I see are that people waste years of their lives to find out that they made a bad decision. The reason for this is that they were not educated in decision making. This goes back to the lack of application of ancient wisdom and lack of education. I would love to elaborate on that, but this is not the forum for it.

Thanks for your support.

Giles English said...

All wise words!

I think it's important to know what you *actually* want, and to make the distinction between action and intent.

It's OK to want fetish femdom, action...latex and micromanagement, plus complicated punishments and perverted erotic acts. It's unrealistic to expect somebody to go to all that trouble unless they're doing it *for* you or as an adventure. Very few women are as obsessively kinky as men.

When she's taking you up the arse with a feeldoe, you can't really say, "See how I am serving you."

If your intent is entirely to submit to her will, well then mostly it's going to be a case of supplying the real vanilla benefits offered by having a slave.

My personal - non-24/7 - approach is to trade one for the other: offer the benefits of having a slave in return for being being treated like one. Anything else is a nice extra and happens or doesn't happen depending on her mood. To me this makes the kinky relationship authentic.