Fantasy in Love

Most of the comments on FLR blogs are by men, so I really appreciate it when a woman is interested enough to comment on my blog. A reader made a comment, that “…it is rather disrespectful of your wife to go into fantasy during sex…” I think the meaning was that “I was being disrespectful.” First I want to point out that I am not berating anybody if they happen to have differing opinions on philosophical subjects. Difference of opinion is where all the fun is in conversation. If everybody thinks and feels the same way, then anything to be said would be like repeating a mantra in unison. Under those circumstances nothing really needs to be said. That is why I like to discuss, even argue, sex, politics, and religion, because they bring out the different views. However, I will steer away from politics and religion in this context. Of course, that leaves only sex as the main subject.

I have mixed feelings about fantasies being disrespectful of one's partner. On the one hand, if I were consistently fantasizing about another woman while making love with my wife, I would tend to agree that it might be disrespectful. On the other hand, one's mind is the only safe place left where one does no harm to another person or to self, does not contact diseases, requires no tools or equipment, and there is no mess to clean up afterward. I would hesitate to take that away from a person regardless of his position in power.

This being a philosophical argument, one not based on logic, there is no right or wrong. Therefore, it is entirely up to the individuals involved to form the conclusion on whether or not it is disrespectful. But I have a more compelling argument. Unless FLR was imposed on me against my will, most of it is based on fantasy. It was my fantasy that flamed my needs while reading novels of dominance and submission. It was my fantasy that involved my wife to the extent that she went along with being the dominant in our marriage. It was my fantasy that provided the details, which eventually became routine in our relationship. It is my fantasy that still drives my actions to improve my service while thinking what I will earn in return. Some of these were part of my fantasy but are now reality. Those that are still fantasy may have a chance at becoming real. In addition to the above, I may have fantasies occasionally that are either un-achievable or unlikely to occur, yet I don’t want to dismiss them because they are a safe escape from the bounds of reality.

Fantasy is boundless. There are no budgetary, technological, or legal limitations. There is one exception. I am sure that most of us have limits based on our moral code. As an example, it would not occur to me to kill or even seriously hurt a human or an animal as part of my sexual fantasy. However, we can, and do things that we would never do in real life. I see fantasy as a healthful use of a safety valve by itself or during some very private sexual experience. It promotes pleasure and enhances the onset, duration, and intensity of some experiences that are shared with a partner.

I don’t keep my fantasies secret from MW. In fact, it has been to my benefit to share with her any thoughts that I have had during sex. The reason is that the more she knows about what turns me on, the easier it is for her to make it happen or to prevent it, depending on her purpose at the time. I am more at her mercy than I would be if I had not shared my fantasy. An example is what I brought up in Poster Couple for FLR - Part 5, “…I have thought of MW expecting me to clean up after myself regardless of how I orgasm….” What she has done from time to time is to talk to me about how she will make me do this. She knows that under the circumstances I will find that a tremendous turn-on. Of course, she does not often actually carry out the plan after the session is over. Just often enough to tantalize.

I asked her this morning, “Do you mind my having a fantasy while we are making love?”

She used a metaphor the equivalent of, “I don’t mind. Whatever it takes to get you off.”

When I asked her whether she fantasizes during sex, she said, “Yes.” But she was not willing to share her fantasy with me during or after the situation. This clicks with her being in charge when it comes to sex. She can tell me what to do, and how to do it, so that all I need to remember is to execute the plan to maximize her pleasure. By doing that my pleasure is also served to the maximum extent possible. I don’t need to fantasize during this time, and I feel no disrespect knowing that she is living a fantasy.

There is another area where it is difficult to “not have” fantasies. It is where we can’t have something, or can’t experience a situation, but we find it compelling. I am not giving away secrets here. I just want to illustrate a typical male preoccupation with this matter. Assume that a man is in a heterosexual relationship, and is getting plenty of sex. Suppose he has always wondered about how he would like a homosexual relationship, but he will never try it willingly. This man is an obvious candidate for a fantasy where his female partner may or may not be in it. One can dream up a million scenarios that he can use alone or in the company of his partner. Whether or not he talks about this fantasy should not make a difference. I don’t see how this would diminish a good heterosexual relationship.