Thursday, October 16, 2008

Hanging In There

Update On Surgery, Etc.

My last real FLR post was when I casually mentioned She Is Getting The Idea. This was subsequent to the explanation of a problem that we have been trying to eliminate. I described this at Mistress Wife Is To Have Surgery.

Many things have happened since then. Some have nothing to do with this particular problem, yet they are disturbingly effective at perverting our FLR. MW has gone through some difficult times concerning her family. She is the one who is expected to fix these, and with her other problems it is taxing her resources. I try not to change my outlook of our FLR. I believe that if my love and devotion are needed, these may be the best times to demonstrate them.

I still try to serve as before. You know, doing the manly chores that involve fixing things and installing new things. But I also continue with the other responsibilities that I assumed a while ago, like cleaning the bathrooms, etc. I make her phone calls when she tells me, and I drive her to appointments much of the time. She accepts my service without complaint. Once in a while she acknowledges it.

Aside from the lack of sexual involvement I have observed two things. She is not as assertive about telling me what to do as she was a while ago. The other thing is that my careful and regular cleaning schedule is not as strong as it once was. I can fairly well explain, if not justify, why my servitude is slipping. But I must guess about why she is not as self-assured as she once was.

I think that she is trying to handle the situation, and has not found a constructive way yet. The lack of her positive approach tends to feed back on the situation, thereby making it worse. I don’t think that we will ever revert to a male-led-relationship to the extent that we were. However, I see a danger here. Without giving relevant details, I will give you a real example that MW and I have experienced through people whom we know personally.

The Other Couple

I will call them Sam and Mary. Sam has been a “man’s man” all his life. He has worked hard, helped raise two girls and three boys. He always paid the bills, and was faithful to his wife, Mary. Mary was not ready for marriage when she married Sam, but back then it was the thing to do when a girl was of age. I am sure there was love between them, hence the children.

Being inexperienced and young, the two of them had some difficulties with raising children. As a result, all became psychologically damaged over the years. Many years later, now, their children are responsible adults, but old wounds keep re-surfacing. Sam may have figured this out, and in consequence, blamed himself for lack of maturity in the early days. I am guessing here. Mary does not seem to acknowledge anything wrong about how they raised children. All along she thoroughly submitted to Sam, but has become a master manipulator over the years.

Lately however, things have changed. As Mary became old she has not developed a relationship with anyone on any basis that could have supported her needs to interact with persons other than her immediate family. She became clingy and dependent. Sam had many productive relationships, some he still maintains in his old age. But he was stuck between those and Mary’s increasing dependence on him. Initially her dependence was only psychological. Later it turned into physical through self-induced or self imagined illnesses. Sam continued to support her, and Mary continued to take advantage of Sam in deeper dependence.

The way it turned out is that Mary has given away all her will for any form of self-reliance. Sam is now stuck with this absurd relationship that was initially based on Mary’s self pity for lack of other resources, but is now real. Sam is no longer capable of trust to make a rational judgment with respect to what Mary needs or should have. All he does is serve her in the many irrational ways that she demands through pity. They have spent a lifetime together, and he is not able to say “no” to her. The result is an untenable situation where neither person can or will change. The prognosis is bleak.

I have said before that FLR is all about sex. In its natural form I still believe that is true. However, when sex is totally removed, as in the case of Sam and Mary, the only thing left is the willingness to serve. The reason for the service is not clear. It is some combination of love, guilt, duty, and responsibility. It is like a soup where the combination of ingredients is not controlled, or even known. The taste of the soup will change over time.

How Does This Relate To MW And Me?

There is no resemblance at all. However, I will repeat the bottom line on Sam and Mary’s relationship: he serves her because she has become irrationally dependent on his service. One act feeds the other. That is the situation that I want to avoid with MW. Not that she is that way; just that anything can become perverted, kind of like mutation in nature. It is not a natural evolution, but an aberration. We are both aware of this danger, and we talk about various aspects of it from time to time. She has said that she does not want to become that way.

In our case the situation is not bleak. Rather, we have much to which we can look forward. MW’s family problems will resolve one way or the other. We help, but there is only so much we can do before we run into the other party’s free will and our own financial limits. MW’s medical problems are being addressed, so there is a good chance that they, too, will be satisfactorily resolved in the next several weeks. Meanwhile we are like roommates who care for each other, one being subservient, no more, no less.


doll said...

Your friends relationship does sound bleak but they both contribute to it and it must serve both their needs to some degree. In your blog you appear to be very reflective, looking at yourself and your relationship with MW , you don't seem to take it for granted. I'm sure you both are honest with each other and continue to talk over even very difficult subjects so the chance of your relationship slipping into such a quagmire must be very slim.

Susan's Pet said...

We do communicate, and try to be honest. The difficulty in communication is with MW expecting me to "Understand what she means," as opposed to "Understand what she says." As you can guess, we have many misunderstandings.

The other couple with the problem may be a non-issue, for there is nothing that we can do about it. My fear is that MW and I would some day travel down the same path. Once in a while I see us pointing in that direction. The good thing is that she is aware of the danger. Also, as I said, we should be able to surface from the current quicksand scenario. We are both aware of it, and look forward to the good times coming.

doll said...

Language is very slippery.I remember my husband and I had completely different meanings for words when we explored what they meant to us even though we both spoke the same language. Short of checking everything with a dictionary it does pay to be aware that misunderstanding is possible with the simplest of sentences