Wednesday, December 19, 2007

On Shame and Humiliation

Just One Aspect of a Somewhat D/S Relationship

Shame and humiliation is a subject that is every submissive male’s fantasy. All the novels have not been written, but it just seems to be that way. I could write one now! It is also the basis of most FLRs regardless of how you specialize your kink.

I have my fantasies and realities with respect to my MW. As far as my reality is concerned, she could do anything to me and I would learn to live with it. But that is only because I trust her. Given that, shame and humiliation is a fascinating game, but only a game between us. She may do things to me (actually it is for me) that she would not do to another person. Why? It is because she loves me, and knows that the so-called shame and humiliation game that we play occasionally is something that makes me feel good temporarily. It also makes both of us feel good on the long run because we both get some satisfaction out of pleasing each other from time to time. We both realize that I do things for her that could be just as satisfying to her. That is the basis of a working relationship.

A person who perfectly described the situation about controlling a subject said, “If I wanted him to wear the collar I could order him to. That’s easy. But I can’t order him to have feelings.” Please see (August 25, 2007 post) for the source of this quote (thank you .
Although the above subject is not dealing with humiliation directly, one can imagine wearing such collar in public and see the implications.

I separate humiliation between personal and adversarial. Adversarial humiliation arouses anger in me and I tend to respond with potentially devastating force. Personal humiliation is between me and another person whom I love, trust, and support. I choose to submit in order to support this attribute. If I did not choose to submit, my association and friendship with this person would be terminated. But force is never a tool that I use with the person whom I love and trust, namely, my MW. Even if she were to exceed my limit, or appear to abuse her power, I would just try to stop it and go from there.

I would never, under any circumstances harm MW. She is my life, my love, my mistress whom I trust beyond anything. It is a relationship that we have developed over the years of producing little pink things that grew up to be obnoxious teenagers and then perfectly reasonable human adults. As a result, we have a basis of trust in both directions. I am her saviour, her champion, her hero who would give his life for her. She is my Sweetheart, the mother of our children, the softness in all my hard realities, also the one who can cane my ass if she chooses. I love her for all of that. The kink, the humiliation, the D/S, the discipline is superimposed on all of this, but is not the essential part.

Perhaps I don’t have an extreme case of need for an FLR. It is kind of like alcohol to a social drinker: great to have, but I can live without it. Still, I would prefer to have it now, often, and for the rest of my life. But, as you know, life usually sucks. So don’t blame the other person if it does not turn out exactly the way you fantasized about it. Do some negotiating!

I assume that most of you reading this are into some form of FLR, otherwise you would be off to more satisfying fodder. So, please tell me. As a submissive partner in an FLR, how does humiliation relate to your everyday life? I can see that you go through the essential, that is serving your significant female, but how much do you want to be an obvious servant in front of other people? It seems that you can not really be shamed if only the two of you are doing it.

Maybe I am wrong.

The other part of this is you, as the dominant female, do you really want to shame or humiliate your partner, or are you just giving him the satisfaction that he craves? Or, and this is a big question, are you doing it because it does something for you?

These are the questions that don’t have a general answer, because every relationship is different. But the statistics and the specifics can be very interesting. Please don’t be shy with your responses. We would all love to hear them.

How Did I Get Here?

I have more than hinted about my tendency to be submissive to a particular female. It does not drive my life, but I understand that some men have this need to a much greater extent, or at least, they dedicate their lives to it more. I am dedicated, it is just that I try not to impose my fantasy on MW. It is completely up to her to do or not do anything along these lines. Yes, I wish that she would do more, but we are not yet living my fantasy: we are living reality.

Aside from that, please do me ….

Just kidding. I think.

No, really. I have been reading about this as long as those wonderful femdom books have become available (please see the book titles in the sidebar). I used to get off on the novels, but it was not until I studied these real books that FLR became real to me. It was then that I decided that “bedroom submission/domination is a sexy scenario, but submitting my self to my mate-for-life is the real thing”. We tried. We are on a rocky road, but even the bumps are great.

A short time ago I had a change of lifestyle that allowed me more free time. It was then that I began to look for real-life blogs of FLR. It was then that I realized that I already had some of it, and that I can have more. I became a “kid in a candy store” (or for you more modern folks, “a kid on a porno website”). I began to spend more time reading these and enjoying them. Being shy in a certain sense, I never left a comment. Then at some time I read a post that referred to people like me as “lurkers”. Yes, I was indeed lurking not because I had not developed a liking for some of these folks, not because I was above it, not because I wanted to remain anonymous. It was more like thinking that I was not (yet) really part of it.

Now I acknowledge that I am part of it. I may be wrong about all this, but I don’t see where or how I am hurting anyone. Even if my children recognized me in this venue, it should not be hurtful. Nothing that MW and I do hurts anyone, and most of it is fun and does not cost anyone. So why not indulge?

One final note to lurkers out there,

    • Don’t be shy.
    • Comment on anything that you like or don’t like, just try
      not to be hurtful.
    • We don’t need hurtful, but we enjoy differing views. It
      is a way of supporting a good cause. Without your comments the blogs may
      go away.


subservire said...

You’re right. I believe shame and humiliation are exciting to most male subs. However, there’s a big distinction between personal and adversarial humiliation. Shame and humiliation should remain a game between two consenting people, based on love and respect.

In my case, humiliation plays a major part in a D/s roleplay, however, I draw the line at being humiliated in public. That’s overstepping the bounds and can lead to all sorts of complications, not least the issues of self respect and personal identity.

Dev said...

I'll take a stab at this...

The other part of this is you, as the dominant female, do you really want to shame or humiliate your partner, or are you just giving him the satisfaction that he craves? Or, and this is a bigh question, are you doing it because it does something for you?

Not every submissive man wants to be humiliated or shamed. My own slave does not (he wants to be seen as beautiful and valuable), and we don't play that way. I'm glad he doesn't want it, because I don't want to do it.

Of course, humiliation/shame is in the eye of the beholder, right? But I don't see my slave as "less" than me and I don't pretend like I do.