Sunday, November 9, 2008

Driver, Baggage Handler, etc., Concluded

Comments Concerning Postings …

I have said this before (I have said everything before: I tend to repeat myself) that many people don’t comment on postings when they think that the person has most of the problems solved. Saying something like, “That’s nice” is not constructive. However, when the posting person is in trouble, is puzzled or obviously misguided, or way out of line, etc., comments are offered in abundance.

I don’t wish anyone to think that I have it all figured out, and that MW and I are the perfect FLR couple (see Poster Couple for FLR ). We have problems on different levels, but we deal with them most of the time. This posting is a demonstration that all is not perfect between us, but in my dear wife’s words, “These annoyances will happen, and I do not believe there is anything we can do to avoid them. Does make life interesting though...doan-it?” My sentiments exactly.

The Last Day of Her Vacation

Monday morning, while parting with MW at the resort as I set out to head home she said, “You will wear Kali again when you return for me on Thursday.” Duly noted.

The few days between my leaving her to go home and the day of my rejoining MW on Thursday went like seconds. Not that I had any kind of fun, just that I was busy and before I knew it, it was Thursday morning. I was busy with chores outside, so I did not hear MW’s plaintive telephone call. In mid-sentence her cell phone quit (according to her later explanation), and she had no charger handy. She resorted to emailing our sons with instruction to call me and tell me to use Instant Message to contact her. One of my boys did call, and I happened to be in the house at the time. I installed IM on my computer, and did contact MW as soon as that was done. I immediately received a ton of messages.

By the tone of her communiqué she appeared to be very distressed. It appeared that she had problems handling her two rowdy friends. I responded, by saying, “I will send you email.” And that is where the trouble began.

In my email, among other things, I said, “I am willing to help you in any way, but please leave me out of any mystical ceremonies or activities. You will find me much more pleasant afterward.” I was referring to some activities that she was contemplating. Her response was, “…I won't bother you again.” I could tell that this was not good.

I got ready for the trip to join her, installed Kali, and left. Three hours later upon arrival at the resort Laura let me into the condo since she saw me through the window as I was approaching from my truck. We hugged and kissed (as usual), and I walked into the adjoining apartment to see MW. My reception was not as warm as I had hoped. This was when she told me that I signed my email to her with my full name. I have to admit that seeing my full name under an email message to her is neither romantic nor erotic.

However, I sent this email from my email account that is reserved for business. As usual, my signature using my full name was appended automatically. In may haste I neglected to conclude the message with a phrase proclaiming my eternal love to her. I am bad.

But that was not the real problem. She had experienced an episode of depression, likely brought on by stress, and this was just another burden imposed on her already thin layer of joy eroded by little annoyances. I assured her that I still loved her, and then asked whether it was all right for me to talk with her friends and explain why she had been avoiding them that day. I did that, and returned to her. We talked in private. In a short time she was back to her loving and lovely self, and all was well. We had a good evening.

Next morning I was up early, made coffee for myself while MW was still sleeping. I spent a couple of hours reading until she began to stir. I joined her in bed and shared her warm softness. She began to appreciate my hand gently playing with her skin. I asked her to lie face down so that I can do more. I gave her the kind of massage that she likes, which from time to time results in her taking pleasure from my tongue. The little guy was drooling in anticipation. I think that she may have been inhibited by the presence of her friends on the other side of the door, so we did not progress in that direction. Still, it was a lovely experience.

It was checkout time. The ladies packed, and I loaded all the luggage into two vehicles. After I checked us out, we agreed to meet at a place that they usually visit for one last pleasant outing before returning home. We had a good time. It was mid afternoon before we were ready to leave. Having missed lunch, they decided to eat first. After being seated at the restaurant, MW and I discussed what I would have for my meal. I chose one item from the menu. She suggested another as I was leaving to the restroom to wash my hands. When I returned the waitress was just completing the requests. I asked, “Have I ordered yet?” I was asking, really, whether MW had ordered my meal. She did, but it turned out to be one that I did not want. So, I told the waitress that I want to change it to what I originally chose. The reason does not matter, but I could tell by MW’s facial expression that I had just committed a blunder.

The meal went well, we joked and laughed. Afterward we parted company with the two ladies, and MW and I headed out of town toward high country, the way we usually travel home from this place. The route we chose avoided the somewhat boring, monotonous, and busy interstate highway. In a short time the temperature dropped twenty degrees due to the high elevation that we reached. Rugged mountains, tall pines, dramatic sunset made a pleasant drive. MW slept through most of it, since she had not had much sleep during the prior four days. We made a pit stop for refreshments after the sun set. I drove in the dark over the serpentine mountainous road enjoying the radio, coffee, and her company. At some point she said, “I love you.”

“I am glad to hear that,” was my response. I know that she would prefer to hear me say, “I love you too,” but I am always a little quirky, and seldom provide the accepted response. At least, I did not say what I often say, “That’s good, I love me too.”

“I appreciate that you always save my butt by snatching it out of the fire,” she continued. She was referring to situations that she prefers not to handle when I am there to do it. She added, “The only things I do for you in return are little things.”

“They are good,” I answered, “and it is OK by me if you do something big once in a while.”

We bantered a bit and felt good about the day. Arriving home late I had some problems with the Beast while trying to unload our gear. I took care of the animals while she did some other chores. After showering we retired to watch a movie.

In the morning I assumed that things were back to normal until she accused me, “You humiliated me with your refusal of my order in the restaurant.”

There was no point in my arguing. I did change her order. About my humiliating her, I just did not see that. I guess she felt embarrassed. Afterwards I found out that when she ordered for me, her friends asked whether I will go with it, and she assured them that I would. It turned out that I was not aware of this conversation, so I did change the order. If I had known, I would have eaten anything to save her embarrassment.

Basis of Power Exchange

I pontificated over this concept in More Anticipation of the Trip (see Power Exchange). The bottom line was that I cannot give her power, and she cannot take power from me. It is there to use as appropriate. Period.

Let’s take a hypothetical scenario of a business where I as an employee approach the owner’s wife, and say, “I want you to be the boss, do with me as you please. And, by the way, the badge of your power is this,” and I hand her some token. Hypothetically she takes the token and from time to time she exercises her power over me, using me in any way that she deems proper. Then some day I approach her, and take away the token. The meaning is, “I have taken back the power that I gave you. You are no longer boss.”

Does this make sense? It could be woven into a short story or a novel, but it cannot be real in the sense that a lowly employee cannot appoint a person to be boss. There are other ways, and this may be the worst. But this was a hypothetical scenario meant to illustrate my point. When MW and I agreed to live a FLR, I had one reason to submit to her rule: I wished to serve a deserving woman. This one reason may have been complex, but it is summed up nicely as this: she is a woman, she has raised our children and helped me through adversity, she is my wife, and I love her. Oh yes, and there is also her taking charge of sex. All that holds true today, hence, we are still in an FLR. But “I did not give her the power over me.” I simply asked her to take charge of anything with which she would feel comfortable. I set no limits and imposed no conditions.

I admit that I am not the perfect submissive to her, assuming that I could define the role. I try to be good, and I fail. But I don’t fail out of pride, selfishness, misplaced propriety, etc. I fail because I am human, and imperfect. I cannot read her mind, I feel differently about things. I feel good when she feels good. I feel bad when I know that she is not satisfied with me, like when I was driving to the resort this last time. I knew that I did the wrong thing for her.

There is a difficulty here. I have said before that she is not a naturally dominant female. It appears that she may take the hypothetical scenario above literally, that is, “I gave her the power over me, and at some point I snatched it out of her hand without warning.” This is not logical, and she knows it. Is it rational? We are getting into the fringes of a concept that may defy definition. I just wish that she would choose a way to handle a situation positively, rather than just react and retreat. If she wants the power, it is hers. It’s not mine to give or take. If she has a grievance, she should confront the cause and do something positive to work out a satisfactory solution. I am willing. I may not like the method or the result, but I am in this relationship for life, and I support her regardless of my occasionally grumpy attitude.

The single assessment of the restaurant situation is this. Due to my absence I was not aware of her attempted demonstration of her power over me, and I blew it by changing the order. She could, and I sincerely wish that she had, stopped me. I wish that she had said, “I have already ordered the other meal, and that is what you will have.” Had she done that, I would have said, “Of course.” All would have been well.


Milliscent said...


You said:
"I wish that she had said, “I have already ordered the other meal, and that is what you will have.” Had she done that, I would have said, “Of course.” All would have been well."

Don't underestimate just how amazingly difficult saying this in a situation such as you were in would be for most women.

Such things do not come easily.

Susan's Pet said...


I find it gratifying that you take interest in my blog. I appreciate your comments.

I also agree with what you said here. I sometimes lose perspective. In specific, I tend to see things from my perspective, which is mostly logical. Whereas, from my wife's perspective most situations are emotional. We are so different.

Then there is a matter of hindsight. It seems very clear what she should have done or said. But at the time even I might not have done what is best for her.

All is not lost. We have talked about this particular scenario again. During the conversation I tried to show how sincerely I want her to feel good about what she does. If she succeeds, I also feel good, so it is a very positive way of FLR.

All For Her said...

I have also just realised that the power is hers to use and I can not give it or take it away.
Recently she seemed to take it away from herself which left me feeling confused and perhaps a little bitter and I think she was out of sorts as well.
Things seem to be back on track now, but it's been an enlightening experience.