Trouble with the Practice of Tease-And-Deny

There are many blogs that advocate some degree of female led relationships ranging from a man staying home and becoming a housewife to becoming a total slave to a woman. Many of those favor the sexual satisfaction of the male controlled by the dominant partner. Most of these are written by men even when they claim to be women.

There are relatively few blogs dealing with the subject of tease-and-deny where the female admits to enjoying it when applying it to her partner. We are not even sure that some of those female-written blogs are authentic.

Looking at it from the point of view of a self-proclaimed submissive man, he will not voluntarily submit to drudgery and oppression by a woman without expecting some thrills for his troubles. Although a man, who is not necessarily submissive, may also want to submit in particular ways, he will similarly expect to receive some thrills from his woman. Let’s face it, a preference for voluntary submission of any nature is or at least borders on a sexual preference. In simple words, we call it a kink. Tease-and-deny fits in there perfectly, and I will show what the problem is, and why it occurs.

If you read patiently through the rest of this monolog you may want to refute my assertions by your own anecdotal evidence: citing an instance when this practice of tease-and-deny is working. Fine, if it is working for you. Just keep in mind that one instance does not make it true in general. You also have to ask, “How long has it worked? Is it continuous?”, and “Is it permanent?” I wish that I were wrong about this. Alas, that is not so.

Becoming Dominant by Decree

Before I get into this I will state that naturally dominant women have no problem dealing with intelligent and naturally submissive men. It is the other combinations that are troublesome.

There are a number of problems when the role of dominance is forced onto a woman whether or not she is vanilla or dominant already. Submissive people like to be forced in limited circumstances. Some dominants will go along with it when it titillates their kink. Those near 50/50 and above on the submissive-to-dominant scale will resist. Those closer to dominant will fight.

I am convinced that if people are left to their own devices when they are expected to be dominant, they don’t change. If conditions are right they might accommodate the circumstances and do something out of kindness for a while. The problem is, it is not natural for any person to do this. The would-be dominant woman may learn the technique expected of her by her relatively submissive man from various sources. She may learn the advantages to her. However, on the long run she will revert to her natural inclination. She is expected to perform in a way that is contrary to her being naturally dominant or dominant by decree. If she is dominant already, then she need not do anything that her submissive partner expects, after all, she wants to run the show as she sees fit. Yet the submissive partner truly expects certain things from her. So there is a logical contradiction in the requirements that leads to strife.

I have read many postings by men expressing their frustration about “Her not understanding the problem, therefore, not following through with the tease-and-deny”. They claim that even after a number of attempts at explanation, hints, offer of reading material, their women “just don’t get it”.

I believe that the women do get it. An intelligent woman understands this kinky submissive need very well. This is especially so after reading authoritative articles and books on it (I am not talking about reading the fantasy of some illiterate blogger). The problem is not lack of understanding, but lack of purpose. Every time she senses that her submissive man needs more tease-and-denial it is a chore for her that should not be assigned to a supposedly dominant woman. To a man expecting it, her reluctance makes no sense. After all, he is not asking for blatant sex. He is not asking for penetrating intercourse. All he is asking for is sexual domination by her and occasional release. In other words, “Here is the script, please follow it.”

It takes two to have a relationship. The submissive man’s part is passive. All he needs to do is follow her orders. The supposedly dominant woman’s part is active. Regardless of what the man thinks, the woman has the responsibility of planning the scenario, laying out the props, and then executing the scenario. She is also likely to do a self-evaluation afterward, “Is this what he expected? Did I satisfy him? How in hell can I be dominant and still do what he says or expects of me?”

Unless she gets a sexual thrill out of this blatant sexual kink of her submissive partner, or out of the power she has over him, she will not do it; at least, not for long, and not often. I coined the term “ignore and deny” by paraphrasing the tease-and-deny idea in a couple of my earlier postings. Ignore-and-deny fits very well into the behavior and expectations of a woman whether she is dominant or just playing dominant: it is much easier to maintain than tease-and-deny. If a man desiring tease-and-deny feels being ignored, she does not see it that way. She may feel that his being denied satisfies her obligations. If he tries to explain again, she will just feel guilty or angry or both, and the man will get nowhere. These men may as well get used to it.

Still, It Works In Short Spurts, Sort Of …

One might say that even in a vanilla relationship a woman will do things for her partner simply because she loves him and knows that he needs it. Yes she will do that sometimes, but not often enough. This is why many men wish to be in a female led relationship, and consequently become the object of tease-and-denial. That last wish validates his lack of adequate sexual satisfaction. If he achieves those two wishes, then the result will legitimize his not getting enough sex.

If she goes along with his need for tease-and-deny, she is doing something for him out of love. But don’t expect the whole nine yards 24/7/365. Even her parts would wear out if she tried. A somewhat reasonable alternative to tease-and-deny is offered by chastity play that comes with built-in denial. If she leaves most of the details to her man, then she need not do much, which supports both tease and the ignore version of denial. There are problems with these too, which I may cover in another post. The trouble is that practicing the mythical forced chastity will not change a thing. The long-term maintenance of this new kink is still her responsibility, and she will handle it the same way: ignore it.

This attitude by the woman is not because of the particulars of tease-and-deny and ignore-and-deny. If the man has other kinks that don’t work without her support, he is just as much up the creek without a paddle. Vanilla marriages and relationships break because of the woman’s unwillingness to support his kink. Kink needs maintenance for satisfied relationships, and maintenance is expensive in time, attention, effort, etc. That is how professional dominants make a living.