Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sexless Marriage

My inspiration for this pontification comes from “whatevershesays” at http://shestheboss.blogspot.com/. He posted one titled, “Sexless Isn’t Loveless”.

The thing that got my juices going was his saying, “I am a lucky guy and I don't think I could look my kids in the eye and say that I'm divorcing their mom, blowing up their lives, because she doesn't screw me enough.”

He is right as far as I am concerned. He shows maturity and ability to be responsible for his actions. Many failed marriages are because of the people involved are immature, and expect too much.

That brings me to the idea that prompted this posting. I remember how enamored I was with my girlfriend. She could not do anything wrong. She was beautiful, virginal, and deserving of all the good I could do for her. After we married, we practically ate each other in our attempt at taking and giving pleasure. It took a while for the sexual addiction to each other to vane to the point where we could go through a day without one of us orgasming.

I will not get into the details here, just take a shortcut to where I was heading. A disclaimer again: I am excluding psychotic and abusive relationships here. In either case there is a good reason for divorce, regardless of the baggage that needs to be handled. I am addressing only the relatively normal situations, which are complex enough already.

“Why is it that two people seem perfectly matched sexually at the beginning, then later on they become virtual sexual strangers?” I seldom hear complaints from a woman along these lines. It is mostly from men: they no longer get enough sex.

What changed?

Was she faking it at the beginning and now she is tired of doing so?

Has he changed into some useless schmuck who does not deserve her sex?

Does familiarity cause loss of interest and desire?

I am sure it is not a matter of aging, for either partner may be willing to get into a new relationship with all the sex, given ideal circumstances. So, why is it that the man (or the woman) does not get enough sex any more?

Excluding physiological and phsychological difficulties, so-called normal people experience these problems. Experimenting with sexual and relational deviations (for example, D/S, FLR, cuckolding, swinging, etc.) may enhance their enjoyment to approach what their sex was at the beginning. But even that winds down at some point.

That leaves two people in a relationship facing serious problems. Marriage, children, property in common, and caring relatives are to be considered. Whatever the reason for unsatisfactory sex, these issues don’t go away. Immature and irresponsible people will divorce and tend to repeat the past. Others face their responsibilites and get by on love, caring, familiarity, and occasional sex. But the satisfaction is missing.



Ms. C said...

I think you are missing something. I struggled for years in a sexless marriage before I opted for divorce. But the lack of sex was not the cause but merely a symptom of the dysfunction in our realtionship.

My decision was not immature or selfish.

It was based on long hours of counseling and self reflection. And while the lack of sex was not the cause, it definitely helped to push me to that self reflection and ultimately the correct decision.

My life, my ex's and my child's lives have improved greatly.

little shaun said...

It isn't any one reason, it is all of them. I tend to think familiarity causes loss of attraction the most, though.

whatevershesays said...

Thank you.

Susan's Pet said...

Dear Ms C,

As I said, “I am addressing only the relatively normal situations, which are complex enough already.” Your situation may have been stretching the “normal”.

I was married at the age of 26. I had been trough wars, revolutions, bloody things, and was more mature than at an earlier age. Yet, in retrospect, I was not ready for what marriage demanded.

I was born and raised in a society that demanded a man to honor his commitments. Marriage is a commitment, and I honored it. There were times when I regretted my decision, but over the years it turned out to be all right. The bottom line is, I did not bail out because “she was a jerk” or because I did not get exactly what I expected.

I am sure that your situation was unique, and by no means do I judge you or your former partner. I have met young people in their early teens who showed more maturity than so-called adults, so each of us are endowed with wisdom, and learn from experiences.

In spite of all of this, I still have a problem getting an answer to the basic premise of my posting: “Why is it that people are willing to enter a relationship given the amount of sex they are experiencing during courtship, and then later the sex part goes away and nobody is satisfied?” Are we wearing blinders when making these commitments? Are we changing from wonderful and fulfilling sex to no-sex afterward because of boredom? Do we give up doing good things for each other because they are a chore?

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Susan's Pet:

I read this post with great interest having struggled with this issue myself. My wife (a.k.a. my Queen) no longer desires sex. She still loves me as much as she ever did but menopause has killed her libido and makes intercourse too physically painful for her to endure. We tried hormone therapy but that threw her into black moods that were truly terrifying so she discontinued it. Today our sex life consists mostly of kinky D/s activities which I know she does mostly for my benefit. She does enjoy the devotion and acts of service her sexual dominance inspires in me but the activities themselves are nothing she would seek out on her own if I did not need or desire them. She also enjoys giving me pleasure. (As long as I don't nag her about it! LOL!) We are very physically affectionate and tender with each other and that helps a lot as well.

For awhile there was no sex in our marriage whatsoever, vanilla or otherwise. That was a very difficult period and almost spelled our demise. As much as I love her I could not stay in a sexless marriage because it would make me desperately unhappy. What Her Majesty and I now share is not perfect but at 22 years and counting we seem to have survived the worst and I would say we have done a pretty good job of making our lemons into lemonade! ;-)



Susan's Pet said...

Dear HMP,

I feel bad about your situation. I sympathize with you with respect to lack of sex. Your wife cannot be blamed in this, and I am sure that you don't do that. It is commendable that she does give you pleasure in other ways.

I am just wondering whether there is still a way for both of you to achive sexual pleasure. My wife and I do that even without penetrating sex. Actually, it is my favorite to give her oral pleasure, and on the rare occasion that she allows me to do it, she enjoys it tremendously. There are other ways too.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Thank you for your kind words of support. I really appreciate it!

I absolutely adore serving Her Majesty orally and would do so on a daily basis if she permitted! As it is our weekly queening ritual is one of the high points of my existence! :-p Just give me a snorkel and a ham sandwich and I could happily stay down there for an eternity ! ;-)

It is an FLR though so I am not supposed to force her to allow me to give her pleasure. She must have the desire for me to do so. That said I am working on that angle and have been dropping suggestions! ;-)

There is a beautiful irony here. Where many vanilla couples are stopped dead in their tracks by menopause this is one situation where my being a subbie masochist becomes a huge advantage. We have a whole palette of sexual activities available to us that most "normal" folks simply don't have. Most importantly we still love each other very deeply! :-)



Susan's Pet said...


That sounds great. I could live with that. And you are right about the vanilla folks just not getting it sometimes. Then again, some do play with kink outside of FLR. Try it. If it works, great. If not, try something else.