Saturday, June 18, 2011

What Is Left?

We spend a lot of time together when we are free to do so. We enjoy each other’s company. We have fun. When we are free she does what she wants, and I do what I want to a certain extent. For example, she does not restrict my Internet access to any site or to any time or length of time. She lets me do my work at my pace and my convenience, for she knows that all will be done. She does not want to be in charge, she just prefers to have her way since I make it possible.
She is not throwing crumbs at me as gifts, a-la-Rika. But that goes much deeper. I miss our all-inclusive FLR of a short three years ago. What we have left is like a former priceless work of art displayed on a pedestal. At some point it fell and shattered. We could put some of the pieces together and the result would be a reasonable approximation of the original. However, with the small pieces missing or beyond repair, the result would never be as good. Erosion succumbs to entropy. The longer we wait, the less chance there is of finding the crucial pieces that would make things work.
It’s not that we could not still have fantastic sex without resuming the old customs. Even vanilla people, whom we have become sexually, can have that. During our best days she was satisfied with occasional sex, whereas I was driven by it daily. I never insisted, never gave her a hard time about our differences. She knew how I felt and we often joked about it.
I said earlier that I have some guesses about her view of things. At first she was regretful about not being able to have penetrating sex. Then she began to feel guilty, which transferred to any other kind of sex that we used to have. She was waiting until she was perfect again to try. With her, perfection is in everything she does. If it is not perfect, she abandons it. Later on she could not decide how to resume any of the old activities, and that just added to her regret and guilt. Now she is embarrassed about beginning anything related to sex. We talk freely, never fight, and don’t even have an argument. If I don’t agree with something I say so, and take it no further. We don’t talk about sex. I don’t want to cause her stress over it, and she does not bring it up for the reasons I guess and explain here.
The years of joy we have missed weigh on my mind. Someone young can begin anew and then get over it. Alas, we are not in a position to do so. We have what we have, and go with it. We can choose to make the best of it, or maintain status quo. One of the commenters on the previous post guesses that ours may be a “service oriented vanilla” relationship. I think he is right. Until three years ago we were fully in an FLR with a fair amount of sex and D/S, as you can read on my early posts. Lately, however, the formal D/S and the sex components have been on hold. I am not sure where we are heading with this.


Tamara said...

I admire your ability to forego sex. I don't have your patience. I would get very grumpy and would pressure my partner. In fact, that's exactly what I used to do when I was in somewhat similar situation as you are now.
Cf. my latest posting: Subs need no sex

Susan's Pet said...

One of the many things that I have learned about my wife is this: pessuring her in any way, even subtly or inadvertantly, will not help, but will guarantee to increase her stress. That in turn will cause her even less able or willing to solve whatever problem is on hand. I think that we will resolve this issue at her own pace. Still, I regret the pleasure that we have missed during this peirod. It is not something that we can ever hope to make up.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi SP:

This is a touching and very honest post. I can relate to many of the issues addressed here. I certainly agree that pressuring one's partner (especially if you have asked her to take the dominant role) rarely works. Patience and understanding will win the day. Also modifying one's expectations to be more realistic.

My guess is that the sexual problems you are encountering have more to do with aging than anything else. Her Majesty and I have also been down that road and seem to have arrived at a pretty satisfactory understanding. Not perfect of course but nothing ever is. We have a repertoire of FemDom activities that we practice regularly and both enjoy. I don't pressure her about vanilla sex but we leave that door open.

I had to learn not to blame Her Majesty or myself for the fact that nature has taken it's course. We have known each other for 30 years after all and been married for 25. At the same time I had to be honest with her about the fact that sexual intimacy was a necessary ingredient in marriage for me and that I would be very unhappy without it. Being kinky gives us a lot more avenues to explore than an ordinary vanilla couple might have.

FLR protocol notwithstanding, I should mention that I don't believe one can successfully have a relationship where everything is decided by one partner or the other. Every relationship, even a D/s one, requires some sort of compromise if it is going to work. But time changes things and learning to be flexible is necessary for survival. Learning to accept things as they are is part of the human condition that I believe we all struggle with from time to time.

As I age home and family become increasingly important to me. Her Majesty is my wife and part of family. That trumps being my Mistress. We very much enjoy each other's company and love each other deeply. She bosses me around enough to keep me on my toes and keep the FemDom flavor in our relationship very authentic! :-) But at the end of the day our love for each other goes beyond predefined roles. We are partners for life through thick and thin. And that's the bottom line.

Thanks again for this post. I could definitely relate.

Susan's Pet said...


I understand you and agree with all you have said. It just makes me wonder why we think so much alike on this one important aspect of our lives. Let me get a little introspective.

Self-gratification by men is a fact of life. It is a rare male who does not indulge at least occasionally. The mental equivalent is the habit of patting one’s self on the back for a job well done. I do the latter more often than the former. My claim to have achieved a measure of wisdom by way of experience fits right in there. When I run across someone who happens to see things my way within the scope of a situation, I consider him a wise man. This is where you come in.

Your comment indicates that you have shed some of the trivia that drove our formerly young selves, and kept the essence of life which now guides us. You probably can’t tell; it takes another person to make the observation that you are more tolerant, less likely to jump to incorrect conclusions, and are more respected than in the past. Practicing that with your wife is the perfect way to learn. The best thing about this is not how good you feel about yourself, but how good your family and friends feel about you. Still, feeling good about yourself is important.

Aside from all the good things that come with age there are some negatives. One is the blatant realization that we have less time to correct wrongs and to enjoy pleasures. Oh well, only those who die young can get away with this.

Back to reality, I am glad that you and your wife have things worked out. Your love and dedication to her are obvious. Your relationship is rare. Keep in touch!