Saturday, June 25, 2011

Retaliation to Witholding Sex

Tamara in her post of June 19, 2011, "Subs need no sex" poses some questions embedded in her experience with the withholding of sex. I tried to answer her questions in a comment to that post. At the same time I realized that there are still some explanations needed on my recently revealed situation.

Tamara’s partner withdrew from sex at some point in her relationship. She said,
“… I let him feel that I was missing something important. I was frustrated and grumpy, I reproached him, and, when it lasted for a longer period of time, I started to put emotional distance between us. I just could not help it. Even when I wanted to show patience, because I knew that my grumpiness made him even less inclined to having sex with me, I just couldn’t help it. My frustration showed through…”
I think that her response was very human, very natural. It was not a solution to her problem, but a means of dealing with her feelings. Alas, this approach seldom works.

In the earlier days of our marriage I was caring but immature. Regardless of how much sex we had, it was not enough for me. In my lack of satisfaction I did push my wife. She complied some of the time, but the result was not what I had expected. Years later, when I reached my epiphany, I changed my approach to avoid all requests of her of any nature, especially sexual. Amazingly, she became calmer, and began to enjoy sex more. I was still unsatisfied, but that was just the mismatch of our libidos.

As for holding a grudge or becoming distant, well, I recognize the feelings that prompted me to do them in the past. They are destructive behaviors, which I no longer practice especially with her. Having sex with others is not an option that either of us would contemplate. Our commitment to each other is supreme in all respect, of which sex is just one.

I am not a submissive man. I have taken charge most of my life. Still, my very strong preference in sex is to submit, and to submit to any extent that my wife could demand. Our relationship in or outside of the bedroom can be described to an extent but not one hundred percent, as D/S where I am the S part by choice, and only between the two of us. My submissiveness covers most of our lives together, and my dominance surfaces only in rare circumstances where I must take clear and immediate action. This may sound like a lot of unnecessary explanation by the guilty. I just want to be sure to demonstrate that my submission to her is not entirely based on sex. There is a difference. When a man submits to a woman only because of the kind of sex he receives in return, he is happy. If she withholds that kind of sex, at some point he reverts to his own D/S standing, and the submission to her is officially over.

MW and I have an understanding: I serve, she enjoys. There is no contract, there is no threat of consequences (although I wish there were), and there are no fights or arguments. Under the circumstances I don’t spend all day serving her with no time left for myself. Quite the opposite. Most of my work is done on time, and if not, there is always tomorrow. This relationship does not preclude anything that she or we decide to do at any time. She hints about sex play, spanking, and such, and I don’t discourage her. If she is not taking action, she will do any or all when she is ready, assuming I am still able to comply.

She has problems that are outside the scope of our D/S relationship, but have major impact on it. Without first solving those problems, more than just sex will suffer. She is working on it, and I try to be supportive. Meanwhile I try to enjoy all the other good things in life.

1 comment:

Her Majesty's Plaything said...


I am again struck by the similarities between our two relationships. Our structure is loose and flexible not bound up in a set of rigid protocols. She rules because she is naturally dominant and we both like it that way. But there are no absolutes and our love for each other teaches us to be flexible and patient with each other. Like you I don't believe either party in a relationship should withhold sex, love or affection. That kind of behavior is self defeating and almost always back fires, regardless of whether the person withholding these things assumes the dominant or the submissive role in a relationship.