Saturday, March 9, 2013

Signing Off

One reason why I stopped watching TV about twenty years ago was the irritating accompaniment to its banality called laugh track. The other reason was the broadcasters’ need to provide a prompt for those too stupid to know when they were supposed to laugh at something assumed to be funny. It is not known when the modern human appreciation for humor came to be. Our knowledge of such is gleaned from hieroglyphics at best, and cave walls of Neanderthals at worst, most of which are open to wide interpretation. 
Nevertheless, prompting all of us to" LOL" under any circumstance is an insult to those who know funny from crud. Canned laughter even in the birth of bulletin board (really archaic data) chatter was lame, now it is stuff that you need to wipe off your shoes on the nearest TV programming personality. I can amuse myself by thinking of funny things, but that is akin to tickling myself: it goes only so far as far as humor is concerned. Consequently, is it necessary to point out that “I just said something funny, therefore, I am rolling on the floor laughing out loud, or as the terminology goes, 'ROFLOL?'” If I did say something funny and you did not think so, "ROFLOL" will not make you do the deed. Neither will canned laughter make an otherwise banal so-called sitcom funny. I can laugh at my own pace, so please don’t prompt me. Humor is another quality that is in the eye of the beholder.

On another subject: in my introduction to this blog I said,
“…I will try to stay with the subject of my trip in a Female Led Relationship (FLR). I call it a trip because my enjoyment is mostly in getting there. Once there, the purpose of the trip will have been achieved, and we will reap the benefits. But when the struggle is gone, so is the challenge, so is the edge. I choose to see it as an incremental refinement of our understanding of what we want. We don’t really arrive, but experience the way to get there. The road remains open to a lot of adventures. There is disappointment, anger, boredom, but mostly joy along the way.”
It seems that we have arrived. We came a long way, and had fun. Then that notable moment came when, in retrospect, we could have asked, “Is this the last time …?” But we did not ask, for we did not know that it was the last time. We never know until we look back. The trip is over. We are all ingrates.

Here is my profound statement that you are welcome to remember and quote as long as you attribute it to me, “Love unfulfilled by sex is love lost.” In my case there are mitigating circumstances. Love and sex have been there all along. Love still lingers. My love for MW has not diminished. I know she loves me, and my heart melts when I think of her. What has changed is the sexual content. I have said more than once that any reasonable relationship between a man and a woman relies on sex. Take away the sexual component and the relationship changes to where it no longer resembles the former. We are committed to each other. I serve her without complaint, without reserve, truly and willingly. I remember the love that we have shared over the decades, our progeny, our fun of the last years of FLR. It was ours and will remain in our memory as the best times in our lives.

Alas, life has a way to throw a monkey wrench into the machinery. MW has never been easy with respect to sex. She has been shy, reserved, and take only so much of the tremendous amount that I had been willing to give. With all of my hormone-induced effort I managed to glean a small fraction of what I needed, yet I remained willing to serve her with the diminutive return because when she rewarded me, it was heavenly. I am talking about sex. Love is and was there all along, but love unrewarded in sexual ways has a way to be channeled into something else. Love without sex is like your favorite hamburger with French fries but without the fat, the salt, and the flavor. Paraphrased from Crocodile Dundee, “You can live on it, but it tastes like shit.”

All along we relied on Her sexual needs, for mine were overwhelming, and I managed to keep it in control to attune it to hers. The FLR style of late in our relationship was perfect, for sex was up to her needs, and I had nothing to say about it. She was happy with it, and her happiness was my continuous joy.

It is now four years later, and nothing is happening.Four years in the life of a young person is significant, but it can be dismissed, such as being in prison for some time, but once you are out you catch up. Alas, at my age, four years is very significant. What I had four years ago I no longer have. My strength, my virility, my health, my beauty are not as they were then, and will never be again. The joy of intimate sex with MW that we used to have but she withheld as of four years ago can never be made up. Even if we were to resume where we stopped our means have diminished, and the missed opportunities will never come again. As to whether we will try to resume sex, it remains to be seen. Even in the diminished capacity it would be welcome, but the prospect is dim. With the days passing it is less likely to happen. I still have many joys in life, but sex with MW as we knew it then is not among them. Whether I will be here to make another assessment in some years is not known. Unless that assessment is an improvement over the current situation, I will not do so.

Susan’s [former] pet signing off.


Ayesha said...

You once said to me:"I do not assume that you mean exactly what you say"

Well, this time, assume that I do.

We certainly disagree on many aspects concerning female dominance, and hence had a few collisions in the past. I was touched though by your latest entry here, and feel for you. I wish you strength and courage.

Susan's Pet said...

Thank you, Ayesha.