Poster Couple for FLR Part 6 - What if We Give Up on FLR?

I have posted some pontification on this subject five times before. This is the last installment. “Oh what a relief!” you may say. Here is what I have covered already:

1. I Have Given to Her the Authority over Me
2. She is the De-facto leader
3. She Is not Expected to Do or not Do what I Require
4. She Has the Last Word
5. She Is not Expected to Give me a Life of My Fantasy

My last subject deals with the unthinkable: “What if we give Up on FLR?”

There is always the possibility that one or both of us must do so. I can think of some scenarios, none pleasant or taken by choice. I could see the situation occurring as an imposition by a third party, rather than one of us saying, “I don’t want to do this any more.”

As I said, I am an alpha male of sorts. Not the arrogant bastard who will have his way at all cost, more like the guy who will simply have his way eventually. In our marriage of earlier years I used to be really hard assed about getting things done and mostly doing it my way. What lead us into an FLR, is that at some point I decided that my way is causing a lot of strife, and it was driving us apart. I decided that there would not be anything wrong with just letting her do what she wants for a while. I did, and she did.

Glory be! Our marriage did not disintegrate, our family is as strong as ever, she has more fun and less anguish, and I have on occasion lived my fantasy. She is not burdened with satisfying my craving in any way. I think that I am a nice guy. Even if we were to give up this FLR officially, I still would do what I do now: earn a living, maintain the house in all respects, clean the house, wash the dishes, take care of pets, etc. And when she wishes, I give her all the pleasure that she can take. So, in a sense I am giving her all of this whether or not she is the leader.

Then you might say, “If you are already willing to give her all of this, then exiting this FLR will not change anything.”

That is almost true. In an FLR she has the last word. She can decide on anything and I will abide by it. That may be what she would lose if she backed out. Once we are not in an FLR because one or the other broke the covenant, this rule would no longer be binding. I am not really sure though … over the years I have learned to give and to give in just for harmony and out of love. Let’s take a sidetrack here.

We married with great expectations, willing to love, honor, skip the obey part, and raise a family. From day one nobody obeyed anybody. Yes, there was all the other stuff, but the obey part just did not happen. Looking through my jaundiced contact lenses I don’t think that I really expected her to obey, as in, “Now see here, woman. You will do as I say!” Neither did I see myself obeying her commands, since she was not that way.

We survived, and about ten or so years ago, we slowly began to ease into an FLR, although the term had not yet been invented then. The FLR became imposed on our marriage in an insidious way at first.

Don’t think that all is rosy here. I will act like an ass from time to time. She will have an occasional meltdown. Several hours in a day can be ruined by either of us. But we have learned. Several months ago we had such an occasion, and I thought that our FLR was over. The resolution was, that I no longer have an option of backing out of this FLR. She is wiser than me on this subject, and we reinforced her position in this respect: only she has the option to back out. I think that the way it is now, my ass would hurt in a bad way for a while if I tried. Yes, I know that some of you men think this is just what you want, but it is not really about what I want. It is about what is best for MW, because if it is good for her, it is good for me.

To re-emphasize the theme of this post, I will say this:

• I am committed to her, to our marriage, to our life. She is a good person whom I trust and respect. She is the mother of our children. I chose her to be my wife, and that is not a decision to undo because I am angry from time to time.
• I cannot, and would not abandon a person (her) who relies on me for love, support, and sex, given the above declaration.
• Our relationship may change over time, but my loyalty is unfailing. My wife need not worry about my withdrawing my support.
• FLR is a wonderful superposition on an already successful relationship. If or when FLR goes away, it need not destroy the underlying relationship.

If we revert to vanilla for whatever reason, none of the above will change. That is how I see my Female Led Relationship.

Poster Couple for FLR Part 4 - She Has the Last Word

FLRs go from one extreme to the next. Some have rigid rules about what the male may not do, or must do, what the consequences are, etc. Much of that depends on who has initiated the relationship.

If the male set up the whole thing, and is telling his female partner what all she is expected to do to or for him, it is likely to be a very short-term relationship. It may even terminate a marriage. In any case, he comes with a wish list that she is expected to fill over time. If she is nice enough, she will do some, she may even grow into her new role and enjoy it. But the rules of the game are likely to be few because the more or stricter his self-imposed rules are, the more she has to track and adjust.

If the relationship was initiated by the female, it is more likely to be strict and restrictive of the male’s activities. This is because it is she who wants it a certain way, and is willing to go to the trouble to enforce it. She knows what she wants. She is already in the proper mind set for it. No matter how many rules she forces on him, it is her doing, so she should not feel as if she is doing him a favor. It is the male who must adjust his attitude and expectations for the relationship to thrive. Some of us might say, “lucky fellow”, “I wish that I were in that situation,” etc. Maybe. What if he does not want that sort of thing? But we are not really talking about those rare cases here.

A very relaxed FLR is where there are few rules. I will get to those in the last part of this series, “What if We Give Up on FLR”. All I have to say here is that in our case MW is in charge. You may make of that what you wish. The bottom line is that she is the one who makes the rules, and can be as arbitrary as she pleases. I am not advocating that particular aspect, just trying to point out that it is within her power to do it. I do get annoyed occasionally when she gets too arbitrary, and I show it. Sometimes she takes it in stride, sometimes she shuts down, and at other times she punishes me for it. We are dealing with humans here, not programmed machines. We adjust. When the perturbation is over, we go back to where we were, but usually wiser and stronger.

If there is any doubt in any confrontation about what to do next, it is easy for me to decide: whatever she wants. If she cannot decide, we decide together. The above covenants exist in our minds, not in writing. Although we could write them into a contract, it would not change a thing. If she says, “Do this,” I “do this.” If she says, “Don’t do that,” I “don’t do that.” This is also very easy on me, because I never have to think about whether I should or should not do something involving her or what she has already defined. If I do it, I might earn some benefits. If I don’t do it, it begins to gnaw at the relationship, and leads to potentially bad things.

I know that this sounds like I am “pussy whipped”. Maybe I am. At least, I wish that I were. But this also leaves me open to free thinking, decision-making, and autonomous action within our simple scope of FLR.

Contrast this with the wish of many submissive males who have a need to be totally dependent on their owner, who don’t want to make decisions, who absolutely need detailed instructions on their daily behavior. This is total sexual, marital, social, and financial domination. As I said in the leading paragraph, I am discussing extremes here, and not judging any one’s relationship. In fact, some of this occurs daily in any FLR. The differences are in the duration, degree, and frequency.

In summary, I emphasize this: MW has the last word. I am allowed to think what I want, I have a lot of latitude in decisions, but I also know where I am heading, and for whom I work. I like that. It makes some of my decisions simple. It also puts some burden on MW, so I am not surprised when she turns it around and says, “You decide!” That’s kind of funny, because that puts me in charge of those situations. As I said earlier, “The more you dig in, the more you are likely to come out the other side.”

Poster Couple for FLR Part 3 - She Is not expected to Do or not do what I Require

The FLR Perspective

Oh, yes, I expect certain fringe benefits from this strange relationship, just like any other human male would. I even will get angry, frustrated, and behave in an unsuitable manner when I think that I don’t get my way. But there too, is a sort of safety valve. She can call me on it and hold me accountable for my actions. I, on the other hand, don’t retain that right, and I am fully accountable to her. Why? See "Poster Couple for FLR Parts 1 and 2" for all the reasons. This is a good way to avoid, or at least minimize topping from the bottom. It also lessens the burden and pressure on MW of being the leader in an administrative sense. She is my princess, my queen, my boss, but she is also my wife, my lover, and my sweetheart. And from time to time, my disciplinarian.

Just Bitching about Stuff

It is interesting to note that blogs of FLR, especially WLR, are popping up like mushrooms. It is gratifying to see. It is very much like the feminist movement of an earlier era, and the gay community that came out of the closet. Now it is our turn. Real soon we will be in your face just like them, and people will be sick of it. They will say, ”I don’t care what your kink is, just get it the hell out of my face. FLR pride? Give me a friggin’ break.” Or some such paraphrased remarks.

If you measure the success of a blog by the number of visits, re-visits, or comments on postings, I can tell you what works. It is the blog where the man struggles with his strange kinks, and the wife is not exactly supportive. On the other hand, if all is well, then there really is no need for supportive or warning comments from readers. So, if I were to need the stroking of my ego, I would post writing on my problems, rather than my feelings of satisfaction. Description of an erotic scene works occasionally, but the problem is that there is so much fantasy and pornography out there that writing about real events in our lives, with rare exceptions, don’t have a chance of being appreciated.

In view of that, I could get into the mode of bitching about what I am not getting versus showing my appreciation of what I am actually getting. You may have to settle for some of each.

As I said, MW and I are not exactly the poster couple for FLR. We tend to slip back into the barely there situation. It is still 24/7, and no change of that is anticipated. It’s just that the female domination part becomes low key, and the male servitude with respect to religiously applied house cleaning, etc., slips without punishment. Just like in life, all things go in cycles.

Stuff Happens

I have mentioned my recent submission to hard labor. Alas, it is not MW’s doing. I can do it to myself in the worst way. The work on the roof repair is progressing, but hampered by recent rains that kept me indoors for over a week. You may think of me as a person who is easily intimidated by circumstances, but consider this. The slope of the roof is such that if I slip, there is no stopping until I hit the brick walkway 22 feet below.

I have done work up there before, and I have slipped, but I had the foresight of tying a cheap ass rope around my waist before getting to the edge. The other end of the rope was over the ridge, tied to my truck. Somewhat limiting, looks stupid, is unreliable, but hey, it's me.

Wind does not help, and rain makes useful work infeasible. So it has been only the last few days when I could justify to get up there with a ton of tools to do the deed. Within the last few days I acquired a safety harness that could save my ass from splattering below. I might still bang my head on a hard surface on the way down, but at least my fall would be arrested a few feet above the pavement, and the paramedics would not need to scrape me off the bricks.

Up there I need to move heavy concrete tiles, rip off strips of wood that hold them on, replace tarpaper, apply roofing cement to rips and holes, then put them all back the way they should be. It is hard work to say the least. If I don't do it right, all the effort will have been wasted. Full time adrenaline pumping due to the potential of disaster is making me prematurely old. The only positive aspect is the excellent view of the neighborhood and our mountain. Then again I could just step out onto the third floor deck at the same level and have a similar view but without the danger. I could be sipping wine while sitting there admiring the wiew into the neighbours' yards, So this is not really that justifiable.

The picture here gives you an idea. I would have posed on the top, but I could not do so on account of I was taking the picture when MW was away visiting her friends. The distortion is an artifact of my cheap cell phone camera.





The next picture was taken with our real camera by MW after she returned from her visit with friends. You can see me on the third level of the four level platform when I am trying to fix it from the side-to-side wobble that gave me the creeps. I hate being at heights.



Finally, I show a third picture with details of the partly completed repairs. The view over the ridge, the tiles, and the underlayment gives you an idea of what was involved.

“Why don’t you hire a professional?”

you ask. I have tried. They take one look at the house and the roof, and leave laughing. On a couple of occasions I managed to hire some desperate roofers. Alas, they did not know their ass from a hole on the roof. I paid, the roof continued to leak. Back to self induced repair.
Then there is the real estate project that MW started. It is now almost entirely in my lap. So, as you can assume, my slippage of FLR housemaid servitude has been hijacked to an extent. I am still willing, but I am really dragging my ass after work. MW is letting me get away with that. I would still enjoy some examples of her assertiveness, but I think that she too is feeling the strain. On the positive side, I have fewer opportunities to snack, so the expansion of my waistline is also on hold. Add to that trying to deal with helping family who are not exactly where they think they should be add another challenge. Of course, income tax time is approaching, so I need to attend to that. Would not it be nice if, way back, I said to MW,

"Dear, I am tired of fucking with all this. Here: it’s yours. You take over, manage all this, and dominate me in the bedroom and in the living room closet (or such). I will wash the dishes and rub your feet. You will love it.”

I wonder where we would be now?

Note: Although I commented about two other pictures above, you no longer see them because I removed them. They were fine pictures, but too close to home.

Poster Couple for FLR Part 2 - She is the De-Facto Leader

In a prior post I began to explain my views on the covenant between MW and me:

1. I Have Given to Her the Authority over Me
2. She is the De-facto leader
3. She Is not Expected to Do or not Do what I Require
4. She Has the Last Word
5. She Is not Expected to Give me a Life of My Fantasy And one final issue based on the above,
6. What if We Give Up on FLR?

This is part 2 elaborating on her as the leader.

Leadership is taken by force, earned, or bestowed. All three work, but they each require different maintenance methods. In our case leadership was bestowed upon MW. I wish that it had been taken by her, but she was just not that way. Given all of her desirable qualities, I would not want to take a chance on changing anything about her. A personal relationship is very complex, and I am not smart enough to even wish for a change, knowing that any change will cause other unforeseen changes. In war and politics this is often called unintended consequences.

MW does well as a leader in most cases, and when not, nobody questions her except herself. That does not mean that she will not ask me for advice, or will not listen to my input when or where she thinks it is appropriate. The meaning of appropriate here depends on interpretation, but there too, she decides, and I follow. All of this is predicated on my previous admittance, “I have given her the authority over me.”

I wish sometimes that she would take a more active lead. I am very pleased when she decides things that she, I, or we together will do. I want to be lead by her. I also know from experience that being a leader is a strenuous task. I can do it, and on the occasions when she chooses not to do it, I am there for her. But that does not change anything in our FLR.

Without trying to get kinky I wish to point out a powerful force in my life. I absolutely succumb to her female charms, be they visual, oral, aural, or based on pheromones. I also admit that most of this is based on sex. After all, I would never have married her without the sexual attraction. It is a good assessment of her charms that she keeps my mind riveted to her after so many years of marriage. We change in appearance over the years, and look different as we age. She remains my lover of past, present, and forever.

Getting back to the maintenance methods of leadership, there is one thing in common: one must reinforce it from time to time. Without reinforcement the underlings (I in this case) become lackadaisical, lose focus, produce less than they are capable or are expected of doing so.

A leader may have to rely on followers for many reasons. In our case it is seldom a matter of life or death, so we are more mundane. Still, when it comes to, say, time to clean the mistress bathroom, and it was not done when it was due, the leader needs to impart a reminder to the submissive.

Even when all is done perfectly, a demonstration of the power of one’s position is in order just to keep leadership in perspective. And that is part of the joy of serving in a loving FLR. Of course, this is only from my perspective.

The final point is perhaps the most important in the minds of submissives: sexual service. It is the driving force of all males in an FLR regardless of what they claim. They start with it; their attention is focused on it. They may sublimate their sexual desires from time to time, but it tends to pop up in unexpected places and in ways. More on this subject later.

Some might argue this, and you are welcome to comment. Show me a “selfless” (by his own description) male submissive in an FLR, one who is willing to serve without expectations, and I will show you a male who has all kinds of kinky thoughts on what he is getting or expecting to be getting out of his service. As I said before, with the rare exceptions of convenience and economics, sex is behind all relationships, be they FLR or vanilla.

Poster Couple for FLR

Regardless of what I may have claimed or you assumed based on my writing, MW and I are not exactly the poster couple for FLR.

We, in the FLR movement, all have our own idea of what a dominant leading female and what a submissive male should be. Even though we largely agree in principle, I am willing to bet that not two of us would agree 100 percent on the details. The problem is that there are degrees of leaders and followers, and even the ideal combination is impossible to define. So how do we deal with the rest of us? I don’t know, but in any case, it is great fun pursuing, experiencing, comparing, and arguing the details.

For example, MW is not what I would call a typical alpha female. She is not even what I would call a great leader (she will probably have my ass in a vulnerable position for this). In the same vein, I am definitely not less than an alpha male, and I am somewhat of a leader, so I am totally unsuited to be a submissive. But neither comment by me should detract from the wonderful FLR that MW and I have. How can that be? Let me point out the ways.

I will be elaborating on the following covenant that are the bases of our FLR. Please withhold instinctive reactions to throw stones at me until you have read my description of the individual subject. Then comment all you want:

1. I Have Given to Her the Authority over Me
2. She is the De-facto leader
3. She Is not Expected to Do or not Do what I Require
4. She Has the Last Word
5. She Is not Expected to Give me a Life of My Fantasy
   And one final issue based on the above,
6. What if We Give Up on FLR?

I will give you the first installment here. You will have to wait for the others.

Poster Couple for FLR Part 1 - I Have Given to Her the Authority over Me

Oh my, that means that I had the power to do so in the first place!

Well, yes, in a way. A non-violent person does not just take over another person in our society. It takes both persons to accomplish that takeover. So, regardless of who does what to whom, at least in our case, I willingly gave to her the authority over me. That is not true in a legal sense unless backed up by the courts, but then we are not talking about that. We are talking about a loving personal relationship with one of the partners in charge.

This is not the “slavery” position in which I would have no property, no access to possessions, no social relationship, no outside world, unless she provides it. No, this is more of a benign ownership where the owner (MW) has my best interest while making sure that I do all that is expected of me in our behalf. This is easy for her, because it does not change anything outside of our FLR, but within the FLR she has all the rights. It is up to her what rights to exercise and what rights to allow me to exercise.

In a way the situation is comical. To the casual observer I am just a polite fellow. Only MW knows why I still do everything that I am expected to do even when we are with the unenlightened people. She is realistic enough to not expect me to do anything that would jeopardize our way of life, so we maintain a low profile unless we are in assured privacy. Only, MW and I know who holds my balls, so to speak, and I am very happy with it. This is sane and thrilling at the same time.

I will be dealing with the other parts of our covenant later. Do any of you care to comment on this part?