Emphasis Is on Sex

My assertion is that sex is more of a motivator for men, or women who have masculine tendencies, than for women in general. This means that an entire relationship is likely to be based on sex with strong D/S emphasis for men and masculine women.

I must admit that much of my opinion on relationships and sex is based on what I have read of and by the participants. Aside from my own relationships in my marriage and on the job, I don’t get detailed insight into how two people conduct their daily lives. I get “peeps” as if through a narrow window, and may form instant opinion that could be absolutely wrong.

On the other hand, a lot can be discerned from readers’ comments that are likely more authentic and realistic than blogs themselves in general. The reason is that a blog can range from reality to fiction, and it is hard or impossible to tell for sure, whereas comments are elicited responses to stimuli, like closing one’s eyes against a sudden strong light. Given that assumption I can rely on statistics of certain attitudes in the comments on a blog. This does not mean that I dismiss what I read in blogs themselves, or in stories for that matter. It simply means more reliance on the sincerity of some information versus another.

Now that I have almost dug myself into a hole of obscurity I will go on with my point. As usual, my central theme is sex. For classification purposes I will identify D/S relationships as: male/female (m/f), female/male (f/m), male/male (m/m) and female/female (f/f). I am excluding vanilla relationships regardless of in which category they belong, because on this forum we are dealing with a stronger ratio of dominance scale (see Pontification #2: Relationships).

As usual, I want to present my disclaimer. I am not bashing any style of relationship. In specific, I know that there are successful and loving homosexual relationships with normal and productive partners. This time I choose to skip discussing vanilla relationships of any style.

Female/Male Relationship

We have already established that most FLRs are instigated, started, and their momentum maintained by men. It is only when in this budding FLR the woman has a revelation. She realizes that she can have it any way she wants, and she really becomes involved to the extent of wanting to maintain it. There are exceptions, such as when the woman starts the relationship. Although I find this intriguing, and a lot more interesting, I will not say much about this narrow segment of population for now.

With the above observation I remind you of the other observation that I have covered already in “It's All About Sex,” It is indeed all about sex, but not to the woman. It is to the man. The rest is what I would call “fringe benefits” for both.

If you bother to dig a bit, you will see that, unlike a budding FLR, a successful FLR belongs in the f/m category. The keyword is successful. Although sex is the basic driving force for the man, the woman may or may not feel as strongly about it. She may feel as strong, or stronger, about the other aspects. She may like the power, the freedom, the lack of involvement with daily drudgery, so she will support the relationship. The man still wants to be dominated in the bedroom, living room, closet, garage, etc., but in a sexual way. Even her saying, “Fetch me a drink,” is interpreted by him as a sex act. He can tell because it gives him an erection, especially when other females are present.

The bottom line on this is that the woman is not generally walking around with a hard on, and sex is not utmost on her mind. She may demonstrate her position by blatant dominance that does not need to include sex. She sees the world in a different way than the man who wants to serve her. This is the only category of relationships in D/S where sex is not the prime directive, but an elective fringe benefit.

Male/Female Relationship

I have read novels of this genre, and done a little reading of blogs. As much as I like D/S stories whether fictional or real, I seldom like to see a woman being submissive to a man. This is especially true when the relationship involves corporal discipline. There was one exception of a novel, called, “Patsy Pendleton.” It gave me a number of drippy erections, and I actually liked the story because in it the good guys won, and the bad guys got their due in time. But even with that, I sort of imagined myself in her place all along.

The few blogs that I perused where the female is submissive present the relationship as sexual above all. This is true whether given from the female or male perspective. I assume that this is true because it is the man who drives the relationship, and sex with domination is the number one priority.

In a m/f situation the male is the dominant over the female. We all know what is on his mind. The female happens to need the domination by the male, so she goes with whatever he wants to an agreed upon degree. Issues such as vacuuming, laundry, toilet cleaning, etc., are seldom discussed, and are often irrelevant (contrast this with a successful FLR). In most cases we don’t have an idea who does them. Sex is always there, with the exception of when the participants are ill or dealing with Income Tax. Expect the man to have a constant erection, and the woman feels like a failure if he lets up on his attention to her.

Female/Female Relationship

I have very little exposure to this, since I don’t frequent Lesbian blogs. I have read some short stories and novels that I found arousing. This is because I love females so much. I can’t think of much that any female would do which I would find unattractive.

Based on my limited view I will state that this relationship is also more about sex than not. As a start, one of the partners would be more masculine, and tend to be the dominant. Being sexually charged that way goes without saying. That does not mean that the submissive partner has no sex on her mind, just that she is not the one dictating the style.

One could pervert the issue claiming, “This could be an FLR where the more feminine partner is actually in charge, and the masculine partner plays the role of the submissive male.” Fine. Sex is still the primary issue. Without the sex the relationship is vanilla but lacks the prime human directive of reproduction. You already know my opinion of the 50-50 relationships (see Pontification #2: Relationships and Why FLRs Are Successful).

Male/Male Relationship

I have read very little about this. For one, I am only mildly interested, and there is not enough time in a day. For another, I can tolerate only so much testosterone-bloated sexual scenes before I get bored. This D/S relationship never seems to go past oral or penetrating sex with some whipping thrown in. Everything else seems to be incidental. In other relationships there are issues of real life: family, children, working, politics, religion, health, etc. In this there is only sex and D/S. Even when something real is brought in, it circles back to the main topic.

Another issue is about male homosexual pornography. To me it is a great turn-off. When I see pictures of stylized males in leather and metal harnesses, military gear, Gestapo-style caps, bulging muscles, etc., I hasten past them. You might ask how I end up seeing these, well, you know, sometimes Internet links and titles are misleading. The result is like walking on the lawn after dark: you will step in it.

I know pornography has its place, but it seems to overload one’s senses with its blatantly stylized visual quality. If I ever had thoughts of joining in a m/m liaison, I would be scared off by these portrayals of supposed mainstream relationships. Which supports my claim that it is all about sex.

From Her Point Of View: the Introduction

MW has not been writing on her blog. I asked her why. She did not say.

She has made some short posts which are mostly non-committing. It is as if she did not want to share her thoughts with the world. This is curious. Then why have the blog in the first place?

I commented in a couple of places that she and I talk relatively freely about our feelings. At least, I do. I don’t know how much she is holding back. I know only of what she shares. If she has reservations or negative thoughts about our FLR, I would not know. The only sign of what she may be missing was indicated by a comment about two years ago. I don’t remember her exact words, but she seemed to miss the occasional spontaneous sex that I used to initiate. As I said more than once, “All has to do with sex.”

Sex is either driving the relationship, or is destroying the relationship by its intensity and frequency or lack of intensity and frequency. It is impossible for two people to mesh so perfectly that their need for intimacy coincide in intensity, duration, frequency, type, etc.. for any length of time. They may have occasionally perfect sex that turns out satisfying for both. But most often there is something that was not addressed, and it gnaws at one’s ability to maintain status quo.

We can take a typical FLR male’s perspective and see where the satisfaction happens to be. Let’s say that he is very happy and smug in knowing how selfless and subservient he is. He takes care of the object of his servitude to the extent that she needs not do anything except to enjoy it. This is the ultimate of the male’s submission. It is also the ultimate of decadence on the part of the female. It works momentarily, then it begins to cause dissatisfaction among the submissives, even perhaps among the dominants. The dynamics have been removed from the relationship. Nothing unpredictable happens any more.

There Is No Perfect FLR

There is no perfect FLR. Once having reached perfection, FLR is no longer perfect. It is best to enjoy FLR on the way to perfection that will never be reached. This brings the line of thought back to how sex or lack of sex fuels the FLR. Scratch a submissive male, and you will find a horny male just barely below the surface. In my case you need not scratch at all. I am horny, and I am proud of it. MW knows it, and it is a constant source of amusement for both of us, but mostly for her. She knows that I could be doing something totally unrelated to sex, and be really immersed in its intricacies. If she so much as gently drags her nail across one of my nipples, even through a shirt, she immediately has my attention, and the attention of the little guy. This proves to me that she is aware of my condition, willingness, capability, and preoccupation with sex. And that is what I am trying to present here: her awareness. The problem is, that I don’t know what she thinks. Even though we share much, I still don’t know what she wants, what motivates her, why she does or does not do things which I consider fun and harmless. For all I know, she has these same thoughts about me.

One thing I realize is that I am expected to be spontaneous. For example, she likes to go to eat in restaurants. I have told her,

"Any time that you want to go out, tell me, and we will.”

Her response was something like,

“If it was not your idea but mine, then it’s just not worth it.”

This is similar to the lack of spontaneity with respect to my initiating sex: If she has to start it and dictate it, it is just not worth the effort. And there is the rub.

Some years ago I made a decision to not have sex with her unless she initiated it. I alluded to this at the beginning of my blog, but did not elaborate. Suffice it to say that my new approach, in context with all else, worked well. We removed a lot of strife from our relationship. It appears, however, that we also removed some needed spontaneity that she liked occasionally. Much like the person who is taking presrcribed medication to alleviate, say, depression. It works, but it also suppresses other wanted emotions.

I can see that she is now charged with the burden of responsibility that I used to carry. She gets only what she directs me to do when it comes to sex. I have become sort of like an intelligent dildo: I will perform perfectly when called upon, but the self motivation is no longer there. We both end up missing the same thing in this respect.

The above is not completely true. I do initiate sex once in a while. I do it with delicacy such that it is up to her to allow me to continue or not. Most of the time I stop based on her signals. Even though I don’t find it entirely satisfactory from the libido perspective, it is still a safe and civil approach. It also demonstrates what I profess, that is, I serve her, she is in charge, and we do what she wants. The complexity of the interaction and subsequent feelings defies definition. All I can do is describe the feelings and activity, and leave conclusions unsaid.

After our short interchange at the beginning of this post we kicked around an idea. She seems hesitant to write her thoughts, so maybe I should attempt it. I could pretend to be her, and write what I think and what I feel of our FLR.

The more I thought about this, the less confident I became about doing it. I am afraid that I would end up writing about a fantasy female, but from a male point of view. We have all seen this happen in erotic novels.

The New Year Grinding On

I have never been good at catching things. There are some things that I do well, but the awesome defense method portrayed in movies once in a while (before the friggin super powered and totally unrealistic crap came to be dominant) was within a good fist fight. In this, usually the protagonist, easily and without seeming effort holds up his hand and intercepts a fist aimed at his face. Nice choreography, bad realism. Even if I were that swift, the point of impact would be pushed back, flattening my nose, and I would go with it unless I outweighed the antagonist by some tons of body mass.

In a similar fashion, but less strenuously, I have seen jugglers handle their little balls with adroit abandon. Maybe they had been practicing, which I tend to overlook. I figure that if I can’t do it on the first try, it’s not worth doing. Yes, that sucks in some situations, and I was proven wrong as I walked away with the symbolic fat lips as a result. For some strange reason, I have always gotten away with my lack of practice beforehand. Then again, I have led a sheltered life in spite of the bad things into which I tend to get myself. This is not new. I was borne into it, I continued it as a child, and practiced it as an adult. One might call it a habit borne of lack of common sense. In fact, my most recent failures are based on exactly that. But I don’t want to bore you with more introspection.

As you may have guessed I am in a bit of depressed mood. The cause is my feeling of helplessness: I don’t yet see a way out of these problems. I see my limitations, I see my potential for failure, and the one thing that I don’t see at this time is the positive approach to handle them. The only thing that saves my skinny ass is remembering that, regardless of how badly I had messed up a situation before, I always figured out a way to get myself out of it. So, here is a toast to myself, “I wish you luck, you dumb schmuck!”

It’s All About Sex

I spent some time trying to find results of scientific research into the subject of how important sex is in a relationship, especially in marriage. I found many articles, advertisements advices, etc., but none published in legitimate research studies. Then I did some more research on “sexless marriage” and variants of the phrase. I again came up with many. What was interesting is, that with respect to this phrase, most links by far were about the following:

• What to do when your partner is less motivated for sex
• How to improve your marriage through more sex
• Why partners cheat (unsatisfied sex)
• Unhappy marriages (lack of or no sex)
• Marriage saving secrets (enhance your sex)

The list goes on, but the theme is common: if there is not sufficient sex, or the kind of sex that one wants, there is a problem. Duh?

A study reported that “2 percent of the respondents reported no sex in a year.” This is from US National Health and Social Life Survey in 1994 (Laumann et al. 1994). Ok, this is an old survey, so we don’t really know how applicable it is to us at this time. But it indicates that 98 percent did have sex.

I don’t want to make this a dry, boring, scientific article that would require tenuous and lengthy research with interviews, although the interviews might be interesting. I could try a survey on my blog, but aside from being fun, it would be biased: people who read this blog are into sex already, and think that it is important in a relationship.

A relationship, for the largest majority, is all about sex. Sexual attraction is what prompts a man to approach and then court a woman (or vice versa). Everything else is expected to follow. A man does not exhibit “pure love” toward the object of his desire unless she is attractive to him in some way. We will skip over extreme psychological abnormality and go on with the discussion. I am willing to include homosexuality here, but you may have to help me with that since I don’t have a credible insight into that aspect of sexual attraction.

A man has certain needs, be they vanilla or major kink, and he is looking around for someone to satisfiy them. That is a reason for hooking up with a partner in the first place. So he gets some of what he wanted, and is happy for the moment. Then he wants more of the same or maybe some different needs to be satisfied. If he is not getting it from his partner, the least he will do is complain. If fhe cant’t get his needs met he will either split or try to get it outside the partnership.

A slight departure from the above is this. A long term relationship is likely to share love that is eternal. I know, I am getting into romantic stuff that most realists will dismiss. I am talking of a couple who has shared a life time of sex, love, joy, and are no longer in the rutting mode for some legitimate reason. They stay together because they are committed. The basis of their commitment is all the good things that they have shared. Finally, sex is transcended by love and compassion. Rare, but real.


Is FLR Different When It Comes to Sex?

I have read and continue to read many blogs that have come and gone dealing with FLR. Regardless of how enthusiastic one or both partners are, this relationship fails when it no longer meets expectations, or when one of the partners does something stupid. There is no magic just because one is in an FLR. The expectations can be anything, but it always comes down to sex, especially from the man’s point of view. Most FLRs start out with a man desiring to be dominated in the bedroom. Whether or not that works, he keeps pushing to extend his partner’s dominance over him to other aspects of their relationship. He is trying to live his fantasy of being dominated by a woman. Any woman. It just so happens that he is in a relationship with one, so naturally he assumes that she will provide his sexual fantasy. Just because he claims being submissive to a female, does not take away this powerful need that is not being satisfied.

The woman may or may not be a natural dominant. Even though a dominant position offers many benefits, it comes with responsibilities and annoyances. Unless the idea of an FLR is or becomes strong in her mind, she will not support it against a man’s constant pushing and nagging.

An FLR can accommodate the satisfaction of many fantasies. Any particular fantasy can be examined from the point of view of both partners. For example, sissyfication. Is that about sex? Who wants it more, man or woman? To what degree does either want it? Is it escalating? I think that I know the answer to all of these questions. As a side note, I have a problem with the word sissyfication and I will write about it later. Nevertheless, sissyfication, or any other kink, is not a requisite of FLR, just a satisfaction of one’s sexual fantasies. However, a kink is more likely to be condoned in an FLR than in a vanilla relationship. The list of these fantasy attributes often found in an FLR is long and would be fun to explore. Maybe at another time.

Before you throw me under the bus, I want to point out again that there are successful long-term FLRs and that I am in full support of them. It is also evident that there are successful long-term non-FLRs. We just don’t have reliable statistics to support the efficacy of either flavor of relationship. In any case, long term relationships have one thing in common: satisfactory sexual performance. Without that, either relationship will fail.

Feeling Self Pity Again

You people out there read my blog. I don’t know whether you search for certain keywords, stumble on this site and go away disgustedly unsatisfied, or because you are looking for some intellectual or kinky stimulation just a tad above pornography. Fine. Watever. It would be nice, however, if you left a note in case you got anything positive out of visiting here. I feel as if I am alone. Mental masturbation works only for a while. Then one needs a stroke by some other folk. So, give me a stroke once in a while!