What Do You Mean By Being In Charge?

Ancient History

I will take a side trip here to present my past. I married a woman barely of adult age who had absolutely no experience with men or being in charge of anything. Although she was college educated, she was "raised to be a wife". She was not at all dominant, and liked to shirk responsibility. To her, excuses were the way to handle things. This was basically the fault of her parents whose home had a hostile environment to anyone showing resistance.

I, on the other hand, even as a child, was used to being responsible for my own actions, and also to support those who relied on me. My parents taught me that, because all members of my family’s life depended on it. I did not believe in excuses other than, “I couldn’t do it on account of I was dead.”

My bride and I were complete opposites. Given this situation, one might guess that I was in charge in the marriage. You would be right. The problem was, that I did not really want to tell her to do everything. I figured that we each take responsibility for some of the household tasks, and just do them. I would also handle what she absolutely did not want to do, be it dealing with the dogcatcher or the Sheriff. I handled our meager finances, and I worked while going to school.

Under these conditions I was often angry when I had to do shitty things that she could have done, and it took an hour out of my four-hour-a-night sleep. Therefore, I ask you, “Who was in charge?” and if I was, “Did I have to tell her to do every damn thing?” and “Did she do what she was supposed to do as an underling?”

This did not last, of course, she learned, and I began to relax especially after getting my degree, finding a full time job, and getting maybe five hours of sleep a night. However, that did not end there. I still had to manage things otherwise they were not done.

Later on we figured things out, and this thing about who is in charge was no longer an issue: she did what she wanted, I did what was necessary, which is still the way we do it. What became different is that at some point I acknowledged her being in charge of me. She did not need tell me to do anything. I did all I could, and then some. I also loved to serve her. Once in a while she punished me for slacking on some of my assumed duties, and I had no objection. I became temporarily corrected, and life went on.

What we never did was to pretend that either one of us was a dummy who should have no thoughts or rights. It did not occur to either of us to change titles of our possessions to the person in charge. That would have been stupid, and a legal debacle in case one of us died, or in a divorce.

The General View

Most adults have worked for someone who “was in charge”. Some of us have been "in charge”, so we more or less know what that means. Still, I can ask ten people to define what it means to be in charge, and will get ten differing opinions with some overlap. It’s not because of disagreement of the basic understanding. It’s because we each have different expectations of the meaning.

I picked this topic because even though we speak the same language when it comes to FLR we seem to be going off in different directions. Female Led Relationship should have a basically simple definition: “The female is in charge.” But I already messed it up. Now I have to define what it means to be in charge.

With Respect to FLR

I challenge you to write in one concise sentence the meaning of “being in charge”. You can’t do it justice except in general. You need to write more. If you say, “My wife is in charge,” we have only a vague notion of what you mean. Let’s assume that the wife or female partner is in charge, and you, the male partner do what is expected.

• Does she take away your rights in general?
• Does she assume ownership of your community property?
• Does she limit your behavior to the extent that you must ask her to do anything, like using the car to buy groceries?
• Does she make financial decisions and leave you out?
• Does she take away all of your money and give you an allowance of a ridiculously small amount?
• Does she go out with friends of either sex and forbid you to do the same?
• Does she deny you time off?
• Does she discipline and punish you?
• Etc.

All of the ideas covered by these questions have come up in the FLR blogs many times. Most of them are a man’s idea of his partner being in charge, as opposed to the woman's idea of what it takes.

Much of what goes on between couples is stylized role-play, although in some cases it is real. As long as they have an understanding of the basics of the FLR, there is no need for a contract or extreme rules. We each know what we are expected to do, and we do it. She may give you daily or weekly chores, a special list of chores, and set some rules of behavior for you. She may expect personal attention of sorts as part of her position. She does what she wants, but not in vacuum.

My Case

In case you wonder, of the questions above, only the last one applies in our relationship. If I get no acknowledgment for my services, I become testy and belligerent. A discipline session may correct me temporarily, but not on the long run. This relationship must be a give and take on both sides. However, I don’t need for her to be the person who does all the things I asked in the questions above. We do what is proper under the circumstances.

I also don’t need to be told explicitly to do my chores in boring detail unless she has some unusual requests, or unless I consistently do something that is against her expectations. Then I change my method, and she is happy until I mess up something else. The point is, that she delegates her power for me to execute. That includes investments, finances, home projects and repairs, and dealing with the law and occasionally with the vermin. For example, she accepts my leadership in investment and finances. She knows that I have a talent and the discipline to do it right, and that I am honest about it. When I decide something, it is because we have discussed the issue, we both know what is involved, and we agreed on what to do for our common good.

I could benefit from her scrutiny of some of the things that I do. For example, I tend to spend more on wine than I should. If she were to give me a rule to limit it or to stop entirely, and enforce it, it would be difficult, but I would comply.

As much as I love to be sexually dominated, things like my chastity, oral service to her, D/S sessions, and even some more kinky things are not the rule, but the exception. Well, maybe discipline and occasional punishment are the rule, but not in a rigid way.

To me the best part is the sexual domination, but I also get my kicks from discipline, and just doing nice things for her. And yes, the other things too that I have mentioned that I do.

One might say that ours is a vanilla relationship with an occasional kink. I like to think that it is an FLR with no contention and arguments and fights that a vanilla relationship often has, and we used to have. The reason is, that when she is finished telling me what to do, I do it. If her decision ends in undesirable outcome, well, she is in charge, and she is responsible. Of course, I would not follow her order to do something that I knew would hurt us. Other than that, she is the boss. We have not divorced over irreconcilable differences, and it is unlikely that we will. That may speak for our relationship.

Back To The General Case

I did not ask other questions (above) mainly because most would delve into sexually related subjects, and those are not really part of being in charge. They are more of personal preferences in power plays, and not necessarily requisite of FLR. They can certainly be part of FLR, and most men wish it. Then again, most women don’t seem to wish it. They may get some joy out of it on and off, but it does not drive their lives, like it does men’s.

In conclusion I want to offer that a woman being in charge means different things to different people. To me it means, “Having the authority and the power to command” in general. In FLR one needs to say more.

In FLR, occasionally, or for short periods of time she may take on the entire range of dominance. But it is rare, or maybe nonexistent, that she would want to be completely in charge, and have an essentially mindless slave to kick around. See my treatment of one at Owning And Training A Male Slave which is a totally unreal (as in FAKE!) scenario. Other than that, we come up with a balance of who does what to whom, and change it as necessary over time.

I realize that many FLR blogs are interesting because they show an ongoing tension whether benign or malign. Sex play is a great source of such tension. However, being a dominant in a sexual D/S scenario is not the same as being in charge in an FLR. The same goes for doing irresponsible things because one is supposedly in charge and can do it. Being in charge assumes that one has the authority to back up her orders, but she remains responsible for the outcome. That is how it is in real life. Anything else is role-play.