My Patriotic Friend

I came to a turning point in my youth when I would have died if I had stayed with status quo, and the decision had to be made in a matter of days. I am not talking inner city gang warfare or felonious activities. It is more along political and patriotic acts that most people do not take on knowing the consequences.

During the short time of decision making available before the sky fell on me I studied the options: stay and die, or leave. I left.

After a year of wandering over several countries I came to my destination, the USA. Shorthly after my arrival I was introduced to a man of interesting qualities. He, too, was an immigrant, but older, more educated, and more experienced than I. In him I saw the person who could guide me away from the bad things that held me before. He gave me the reason to do the right thing. He taught me that winning a battle is not the same as winning the war. He taught me that a war is never won over the long term. He taught me to care for the small things while I fight for the big things. He gave me strength to be an American patriot. He gave me the yearning to keep our rights and to fight for them. He taught me the history and the reason for the existence of the greatest country and nation on earth. This person gave me the material and the impetus to be who I am today. I will call him “My Patriotic Friend”.

Years later I served my time in the US armed forces, and in law enforcement after that. I am a product of that experience.

My Patriotic Friend is a poet and a thinker, whereas I tend to be a realist and a doer. With his guidance I have done well. I have referred to his memoirs and writings once before in Peasants In The Castle. I will use his writing and wisdom to share from time to time to illustrate a point or to add some spice to my blog. What I have found interesting is that his style of writing influenced me to the point where I see it as mine. In a way it is like plagiarism, only not. It could be that our shared heritage makes that an imperative. It could be that I simply like his style, so it is natural for me. I like to think that it is a tribute to an American patriot, a man of compassion, and a friend.

Women Versus Men ... Again

The following is supposedly attributed to Charlotte Whitton, a well known Canadian feminist.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

I can imagine being part of an audience of mixed gender and observing good natured amusement following this statement. It is meant to be funny, and it is funny in a way. I would let it go with the same mirth as one would, “Take my wife. … Please!” uttered by a former comedian.

If I had to pit my wit against a clever woman, I would likely lose eight out of ten matches. I would similarly lose eight out of ten matches against a clever man. Smarts, wisdom, wit, strength of character, and so forth, are not a product of genitalia. They are endowed by the DNA and then the rest is up to the parents who made or allowed the person to evolve, including nutrition and lack of exposure to lead, DDT, and other detrimental effects including measles.

I am not really wandering all over the place without clear point: women are not better nor worse then men. Anyone trying to prove otherwise is fighting a Quixotic and useless battle. This is where feminism fails the cause. It is pitting women against men for a bad reason. It alienates members on all sides, female, male, feminist, anti-feminists, and so on.

The cause in behalf of women should point out their potential for greatness, rather than pointing out the stupidity of men. We, men, acknowledge that some of us are stupid, and all of us act stupid from time to time. In addition, I speak only for myself here, I observe that some women are stupid, and many act stupid sometimes. My conclusion on this limited observation is that women and men are very much alike in this respect.

Anybody can come up with a counter example to dispute the generality that I have presented. Fine. I can come with another to dispute your dispute ad nauseam. That is trivial and it will get us nowhere. What is important is to avoid arbitrary claims, artificial limits, and false assumptions.

Any position, be it family, community, education, political, and others, should be filled by one who is able to obtain it through his or her merits. By the same reasoning, no person should be denied a position because of gender. Exceptions apply when they must, but not arbitrarily based on gender.

If you have the impression that I am patriarchal and anti-feminist, you are right. I am also matriarchal. Mostly, I love women, and wish for them to be what and who they want to be. I do all I can to make that possible. Just as I did all I could to make it possible for my daughters and sons to be their best.

A female in charge of a marriage is a wonderful thing. But she does not work alone. She needs support. The same goes for when a man is in charge. The problem is when the wrong gender is in charge. That is the reason for many failed marriages. Those of you reading this blog are likely to prefer Female Led Relationships. I do, and it may be for a selfish reason. It is because I am married to a woman, and also of my kinky feeling of wanting to give up my constant, nagging, weighing burden of responsibility for everything that goes on around me. I am not into threesomes or homosexuality as a choice, but even another man being in charge would release some of my burden. If my wife wants to take over and do all that I do, hey, I am all for it! Honey, you have the helm. Good luck.

The problem is, I cannot retire from life until I am dead. I am the person with the muscle to repair the roof, fix the sump pump, and take out the garbage. She, my queen, can still lead, and I wish that she does forever, but I cannot thrust my position to someone who is unable to handle it. So we each do what we can. She is good at what she does, the rest falls into my lap, as it should. She knows how to vacuum and mop, but I do it because of my strength and love. If she wants to change something, we try and see whether it works. Feminism does not affect our arrangement. Reality does.

Speaking of CBT

Well, we weren't really. But I was thinking of it.

We all know what CBT means. It is either to satisfy a sadistic female’s desires to hurt a male, or a masochistic male’s cravings to be hurt. Or both. Or a degree of both between loving partners. The common theme is that it is centered on the male genitalia. I am not suggesting that it is male centered, as such, except that the theme of this treatise is CBT, and only males have the C and the B in the T. Ok, we could talk about similar things where the female is the center of attention. Look at any BDSM theme on the internet, and that is about 99 percent of what you see. I am sick of it. Not necessarily because I just don’t want to see females being made “uncomfortable.” There is that too, but that is the reason why I don’t get off on pornography. It is male centered, and it does not cater to my needs. My needs being serving women. Simple, isn’t it?

What is it in your life?

MW and I like to play with a bit of CBT. Perhaps I crave it more than how much she desires to make me squirm. I guess we will never know who wants it more. I really don’t like the pain, but it feels so good when she stops. Silly.

One particular form of CBT is the benign but insidious chastity device. As I so adroitly pointed it out, it is not really chastity, but the idea of it that makes my day. Having something hard and unyielding on my private parts always does. I am an innovator and a craftsman. I have made many varieties of chastity devices ranging from totally useless and silly to heavy duty and serious. Some had been the product of my own fertile mind, others patterned after existing devices that we wanted, but were not willing to buy because of the price.

Whenever MW is on an extended trip, I am left to my own devices. My devious mind kicks in, and I go to work. I do a bit of metal and plastic cutting, welding, grinding, drilling, tapping, polishing, and before I know it, a have a prototype that many men would like to own. The fun is in the design, fabrication, trial, adjustment, and, of course, the expected and unexpected discomfort and pain. I end up discarding most of them. It’s no fun if I put it on myself without her telling me to do it. The other reason is that these are prototypes, and do not necessarily work out for longer periods, so when she comes home I don’t introduce them.

Back in our early days I removed my wedding ring from my finger to avoid damaging it while I worked in a chemistry lab. Looking around to find a safe place it occurred to me to put it on the Little Guy. My wife noticed it eventually, and it was a hit with her after I explained why it was not on my finger.

I have always liked to do things to my cock. By far the most extreme was my self-administered PA piercing late in our marriage and FLR. Sure, MW was supervising and taking pictures, but it was all my doing. But there is a lot of stuff a woman can do to me whose seriousness ranges between a simple ring on the shaft to a piercing. As horny and kinky as I am, I will take any of it, almost any time. Much of it is non-permanent, but once in a while we make a change that lasts longer than a simple bruise or cut. I am not talking mutilation, for I don’t get off on that. Then again, what is circumcision if not mutilation, and it is done with benign intentions. I never suffered that, but I fantasize about having it done to me as an adult, at the whim of a woman, just for the hell of it.

She took this photo before my PA piercing, after we were more seriously into

CBT as you can tell by the presence of Kali. I did point out in an earlier posting that even if I were the cheating male, with the Kali on, there is no way to cheat other than maybe masturbation. I have to be careful, however, to avoid prolonged erections because of the extreme pain. Of course, MW is not all that concerned with my pain, and does whatever it takes to give me an erection. She apparently enjoys the experience vicariously. I want her to enjoy herself, and do everything to support her. Aside from Kali, you can see that the wedding ring is a tad on the tight side. I never had a problem with it falling off under any circumstance. My sweet MW knows this, and once in a while uses me to satisfy herself manually so to speak. It is manual to the extent that she uses her own hand to grab the Little Guy (actually at those times he is the Big Guy) and would rub that sweet little nub at the apex of her nether lips with his head until she comes. You might think that it would feel very much like I am being masturbated during this time, and I have absolutely no reason for complaints. Well, you would be right. But there is more.

Aside from being a little kinky, as I said, the ring is tight. The tip of the Big Guy is huge, and there is considerable pain as she uses it to pleasure herself. There is nothing I can do but support myself on my elbows and enjoy her pleasure and my pain. When she is done, sometimes she lets me enter her at that point (unless I am wearing Kali). Of course, I must be careful not to be too rambunctious to avoid hurting her already tender parts with my ringed tool. In my aroused state I often get off after two or three strokes in spite of the pain. If I can’t, I withdraw and thank her. I thank her anyway. A few minutes of suffering will eventually allow me to revert him the Little Guy state, and the pain is then just a wonderful memory until next time.

Free Stuff From The Gov'ment

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

Attributed to P.J. O'Rourke

Perfection in Sight, Scent, Flavor, and Touch

It was dark, but I could see well enough to appreciate the contours, even the texture. It attracted my attention like any provocative sight would. I found it beautiful. Then there was the scent: it had not been washed, and was now open to the breeze. The natural pheromones that it exuded did grab me by the nose. I could live on that! I sniffed. I inhaled the aroma. It could not be better.

The texture and feel were what one would expect. I ran my fingers over it, and got what I expected: firm, yet pliable with a bit of softness near the surface. Next I used my lips, then my tongue over it. With the enchanting scent I could not resist. I took a bite. The flavor was exquisite: sweet, ripe, reminiscent of one of my favorite fruits. I took more bites and let the juices run down my elbow. Too bad that MW does not appreciate this as much as I do. She is into more spicy stuff.

I would want another from time to time. As you can tell, I love peaches.

The Goodness of National Healthcare

If anyone is convinced of the goodness, veracity, and viability of this proposed national (universal) healthcare, please don't hesitate to contact your Congressmen, Senators, and President, and ask for a "yes" or "no" answer to the following question: "Are you going to opt out of the best healthcare plan ever, the one that you have now at the taxpayers' expense, and then join the national healthcare plan?"

You will not get a yes/no answer, but some equivocation a-la-Sotomayor.

There is nothing new here. As mister Barack Hussein Obama said, this administration is going to "rule" (as opposed to "govern"). The administration's plan is patterned after "Animal Farm" and "1984". If you don't care to read either book, please first check out the Animal Farm link to see the amazing similarity already existing. As to where we are heading, check out the book "1984".

Those of you still in denial get a grip. Status quo is worse than even a year ago, but much better than where we are heading. Be careful what you wish.

Judgment Day

My cat awakened me at three in the morning. After that I was up, so I began to peruse the news as I guzzled my devastatingly strong coffee. First order of business was grabbing a link to a video of the questions that our Congress gave to the to-be-sure-to-be-appointed Supreme Court Justice, Sonya Sotomayor.

I am interested because I want to be informed of what controls my future. I watched about twenty minutes of a video where senators were asking her questions. During that time she spoke, but had not answered a single question.

If I were in the position of the Senator or Congressman asking the question, I would expect a "yes" or "no" to specific questions. After having received none, I would repeat, and ask Her Honor, the judge, to just say “yes" or "no”. But no, these old white men in Congress have no balls, and likely lack wisdom that a Latina like Sotomayor would contribute. They allowed her honor to filibuster until she ran out of time.

I would conclude that this person is incapable of making a commitment, is lying, or wants to cover her ass no matter what, so she is not taking a position on anything.

Sotomayor spoke for most of the time while I watched this video. I saw her, I listened to her own words. She said nothing that could be understood as yes or no. She had not answered a single direct question.

I gave up after a lot of disgust thinking that some of our members of Congress will push her into the position of a Justice of the Supreme Court regardless of her view, just because she is female, of a minority, and is compassionate about specific things.

Put yourself in Sotomayor's position, and ask, "Am I a minority? Am i a woman? Do I have a shitty background that makes me more compassionate than others? Do I have a wisdom that allows me to make a more valid decision than some old white man?" How would you answer?

I am not a Latina. I am a minority. I have compassion. I can tell the difference between "equal justice under the law" and "favoring ethnic or social groups". How would you respond?

I value the constitution of the United States of America above all. Without it we could be another France, Cuba, Venezuela, or Uganda. But when some elected politician says, “Our constitution is a living document, to be interpreted with compassion," I think, “vote the sucker out of office”. Alas, we can't vote Superior Court Justices out of office. Once in, they can do a lot of damage for life. As for the “Latina who can make judicial decisions better than old white men”, I’ll say, give her the boot now.

But then, I am a minority: male, conservative. My compassion is for the deserving tax-paying responsible citizen, rather than the stylized downtrodden abused vocal minority.

We have to support the ones who take responsibility and pay the bills. Otherwise, at some point, nobody will be paying your bills.

My Dedication to You

My Sweet Wife,

This day is not a sappy holiday, anniversary, or a day of guilt. I just want you to know about my thoughts for you.

It is not because of how you look,

It is not because of what you have done for me,

It is not because of what you do for me daily,

It is not because of who you are,

It is not because of what you have promised,

It is not what I expect from you.

Years ago I promised to love, and obey you till death do us part. I feel the same way now.

Nothing in life is perfect. We have problems and we try to deal with them. So I try to take it from there. I love you. I respect you. I treasure you. I covet your feminine charms. I want your occasional kinky moods. I don’t judge you. I will serve you as you need me. I will take use, abuse, and love as you decide. I will help you with your problems. Please rely on me, and we will have more joy in our lives.

Yours forever,

The horny guy

Enchanted

I don’t know of any male who has not succumbed to the charm of a woman in his life. A teenage boy meeting an older girl or woman becomes a vegetable when thinking about her. He is obsessed until the next heartthrob comes along, and the experience is repeated.

Later in life he is less easily swayed off his feet, but the stimuli that do it to him do not diminish. It could be a song by a woman. He could see a video about her, or even a clip in a movie that creates a fixation on some of her charms that might leave most women and many men untouched about her. But not him! He is fixated for the nonce.

In some instances all it takes is a photograph to set him in this mode of worship. She does not have to do anything. In fact, she could be totally innocent (oh, well, you know, “this time” anyway).

What is it that men find so attractive about women even in the abstract, such as a photograph that shows only socially approved prudence?

I remember two instances in my life that could have been life changing. They turned out not to be, because I was already married to MW, so any change at these times would have been inappropriate.

One was as I waited in a lobby to meet with a person on professional business. I was out of college, earning a good living, becoming good in my profession. I say this only to point out that I was not one of those horny, hungry, shallow, college students at the time (this was later). I had the perspective of home, family, plan for the rest of my life, etc... As I sat in a chair a young woman walked in to see the receptionist. She was about my height, endowed with curves rather than straight lines. Her waist length hair in a thick single braid swung across her back as she sinuously carried her charms across my field of view. Blond hair, wide curves, tall stature, perfect legs, young beauty. I was impressed. I could have followed her anywhere.

Next time was years later. I was on vacation. I walked into a farmer’s market place wanting to buy some fruit. I was already happily married to MW, so I was not exactly looking for extracurricular affairs. But there she was, the woman of any man’s dream. I stared, salivated, and hid my erection. I left to avoid a problem by embarrassing myself.

A man never really knows how he will be affected by a woman until it happens. Aside from the visual, in some cases aural enhancement that these wonderful creatures provide, there may be others…

My sense of smell is the most powerful of what I have. So, being close to a woman who attracts me can enhance her power tremendously by her emanating something that gets to my olfactory sensors. Perfume is the first one would think. Yes, it is a powerful attraction. Getting closer makes me accessible to subtle scents of her pheromones emanating from her skin, especially underarms. I am not talking gross sweaty odors. I am saying that a woman can be devastatingly charming by imparting some of her scent in an otherwise benign and civilized setting.

We can take this further by assuming some familiarity that would enable, even offer, the scent of her primary attraction. In, shall we say, professional or diplomatic situation, such scent may be offensive. But on a personal basis, when we are attuned to each other’s attraction, it can be devastating to a man. He becomes a slave to her in no time. Figuratively speaking, of course.

There is more about women, and I cannot do justice to it today, in this blog, or ever. But there is another aspect of a woman’s charm that consists of all of what I said above and more. It is total presence of her when a man meets her in person. Her visual attraction, her voice, the way she speaks, her manner of behavior, her dressing to the point, her vocabulary and how she conveys her thoughts can overwhelm any men. Any one or two of these attributes would do it. But in total, the man has no chance.

This brings me to one of my favorite songs, Summer Wine, by Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazelwood.. I can have any number of interpretations and fantasies about this song. They all come back to a woman who decides to attract a man to herself, and he has no choice. She is confident. She knows what she is doing to him:

“Strawberries cherries and an angel's kiss in spring

My summer wine is really made from all these things

Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time

And I will give to you summer wine”

I would be attracted to the unfamiliar words and the meanings to be interpreted. Nevertheless, I would be very much attracted in any case. He is a willing victim into her snare. Just follow his words:

When I woke up the sun was shining in my eyes

My silver spurs were gone my head felt twice its size

She took my silver spurs a dollar and a dime

And left me cravin' for more summer wineOhh-oh-oh summer wine

He gives up his former life. His future is not sad, but assured of being of loving service to her. What man would not succumb to her charms?

The U-tube link above is close to the quality of the original, which I have on a CD. If you are looking for a video, you will find it, but the singing and sounds are not as good as in the original recording. Sinatra and Hazelwood were both older when they tried to improve the original, which did not work.

You may want to listen to it more than once to really understand it.

Patriarchy or Matriarchy? Either Way Someone Gets Screwed

When people do what they are convinced is good for everybody (read that as being self righteous, self centered, stupid, destructive, etc.) there are others who (1) will not go along with the movement because it is not their theory, (2) will be hurt as a result of the movement’s fallout, or (3) will support it but will be punished by backlash. See a number of religions, suffrage, civil rights, feminism and lately immigrants’ rights. I am not saying that any of these are necessarily wrong. What I am saying is that the promoters are initially well intentioned, even if ill-informed. Then the movement becomes corrupted by the over-zealous. If it is not already one, they tend to turn it into a concept similar to religion: only the righteous support it, others are against it, therefore, they are the enemy. The zealous promoters overlook the original intent and steer the movement toward their own goals at the expense of the original recipients. Ultimately they will anger even those who were for the idea at the beginning. Meanwhile the believers who are still true to the concept need to go underground to avoid reprisal from both sides.

I am skipping over the Eastern and Moslem views of male-female roles in order to simplify an already complex point. In “gender specific roles” as defined mostly in a Western patriarchal society, females have been expected to cook, clean, raise children, shut up before the “provider” of the household. Males have been expected to be stoic in face of adversity, bring home the carcass after the hunt, and keep the neighbor tribe’s members from copulating with his women. The children take whatever is available.

In the last thirty or so years the feminist movement has done some good. It also has done some damage that will take some decades to repair. What we see today is the gender confusion of most males (see metrosexual male, for example), and the disappointment of many females. Neither gender is sure of what is expected of them, so they mill about without true purpose. I find this worse than the original gender specific roles. At least back then every body knew what was expected of them, and could take a course in life to support it or to fight it. Now it is impossible to take a position without angering people on all sides of the issue.

What is not covered by patriarchal or feminist rules is to allow people to do what comes natural to them. It is not necessary to promote patriarchy or matriarchy for all. It could be that a child does not know his or her preferences, and needs to just go with the flow or general education until some sign of purpose is achieved. Surely you can groom a child or young adult to be able to satisfy your beliefs, but your beliefs don’t necessarily work for them on the long run. Some women and men are destined to be leaders. Others are destined to be followers. You can try to change that, but you would be messing with people’s lives against their nature.

Some people will never figure out what they want, and I don’t want to talk about that now. What I find intriguing is the total reversal of patriarchy by some promoters. You could take any patriarchal rule, custom, expectation, behavior, etc., and switch genders. What you get is female supremacy. The potential for a bad outcome is about the same.

There may still be a good fallout from this reversal of roles. It has shown that women can do things that were assumed to be strictly men’s jobs, and that there are things that you cannot or should not do if you are the wrong gender. If we can sort out all of this, we will have improved our society.

Feminization and Sissyfication

I read about certain aspects of D/S and keep running into the terms, “feminization” and “sissyfication”, usually with respect to a female doing it to a male to satisfy a male’s fantasy. The two terms don’t convey the same idea. Feminization is a straightforward tendency for a male to appear or to cultivate feminine characteristics. Whether it is forced, desired, or done in role-playing, it tends to emphasize the coveted attributes of a female. Sissyfication is a little more convoluted. It is trying to do the same, but nobody is kidding anybody about the outcome. The subject is not trying to be, even if forced, to be feminine. Rather, he is emulating the timid, subservient, soft, lack of force characteristics that were expected of the female in a patriarchal society.

I am not castigating anyone who is into this sort of play or life style. I think that it can be fun, it can work for people who buy into it, and it is generally harmless. It’s great when a couple can make it part of their everyday life, or even occasional D/S or role-playing. My only objection is the assumptions implied by the term, “sissyfication”. If one is into FLR, then by definition, the female partner is not a “sissy”. Yet this word, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is “an effeminate man or boy; also : a timid or cowardly person”. It seems almost a double-negative in this context. A supreme woman cannot be a timid or cowardly person, but a man, if one tries hard enough, can be turned into a sissy, which was an effeminate attribute in the first place. So the man is being turned into a woman who is not being herself, rather, she is being a wimp. Only, the man is doing that, not the woman. Or if the woman is doing it, she is doing it to the man. Is anybody following this reasoning?

Then there is the submissive male who is a “wife” to his dominant female. We need some new terminology here. The problem is that the old meaning of some words don’t suffice. A wife, according to Merriam-Webster, is the female partner in marriage. It does not really say anything about being dominant or submissive, unless one is fixated on a patriarchal or matriarchal view. So, “being a wife to a wife” is confusing in either context. Even more, it is derogatory in this sense, because “being just a wife” is demeaning to a woman regardless of her position. Oh my! Where do we go from here?

If you dig deep enough, you come out on the other side.

Some Other Feminine Words that We Dislike

Many of us know derogatory words when referring to females or certain parts of females. It is interesting that in FLR blogs, one very seldom sees these words. For example, I have never seen the words, cunt or whore, pardon the demonstrational usage. Although they are used in other segments of society, especially in pornography, they are considered impolite and irreverent in this context. On the other hand, I have seen, and even used, the word, bitch. It is less crude, and can be very appropriate, but again, it is seldom used. Other than these, I would be hard pressed to find any derogatory word toward a female. In role-playing anything agreed upon goes. In real life it should be different. Here is where valid education comes in. We in the FLR movement have been educated in the proper way to talk to, talk with, and to address women. Sometimes in play we will use these words with our women, and that is OK, as in, “You may call me a son of a bitch (implying that I am an illegitimate son of a woman of loose morals), but better smile while you are saying it.” At other times it is not proper.

Is Being Polite The Same As Being Submissive?

Why should our education in FLR be different in this respect from our peers’ education or those of our children? Sometimes one will say a crude word for shock value, in anger, in deliberate insult, or to provoke anger in others. Even then an educated and reasonable person can accomplish the same without being crude. It is not necessary to be crude in order to be dominant. Neither is it necessary to be submissive to be polite. FLR takes a cross section of society. There are all kinds of social, economic, religious and ethnic background among us. Yet we come together on these without being forced. Is not that amazing?

Do you ever lose your temper and utter derogatory words? Do you later feel embarrassed and wish that you had not said them? Do you employ impolite or even rude behavior when dealing with people assumed beneath your status?

This approaches an issue I related in an earlier post Screaming Dominance. In it I referred to the action of a so-called Domina in a stylized relationship. She does not have a good handle on the situation, so she resorts to screaming, name calling, repeated vulgarity. Yes, I know, this is not real life. Yet, I can easily visualize a dominant woman with self-control and assurance getting the job done without these unattractive modes of behavior.

I have learned a few things since I dipped my toes into the waters of FLR. I don’t lose my temper. I am polite. I don’t demand things to be done for me. This attitude has carried over to my dealing with other people under varied circumstances. If you observed my behavior, you would see that I am neither a “bully” nor a “sissy”. I can get the job done most of the time by using what I have learned in FLR. If I had to describe this behavior, I would call it “being self-confident and politely assertive”. Of course, this may not be proper when I am under the direct physical control of a trusted female. Then I would follow her rules.

Higher Standard

There is a current news story of a high-ranking sheriff’s officer who lied about using drugs. What did happen was that in his college years he used cocaine once. Many years later as part of applying for a job and certification for law enforcement he did not disclose this itty-bitty error in judgment. He got the job, and all was well. Recently he applied for another job in law enforcement. He was required to undergo a lie detector test. It turned out that he was then confronted with having lied before about drug usage. Now he faces dismissal because of the lie, not because of the one time drug usage.

People commenting on this news article sound off all over the spectrum. Many are vitriolic because of their hatred of the police. These same people don’t seem to care of right or wrong, the purpose of the situation, or the law that is to be applied in general, rather than in exceptional cases.

The fact is that people in law enforcement are, and should be held to a high standard. It is not because they are exceptional, even though they are, but it is because the rest of us tend to maintain a low standard that excuses wrong behavior. It should not be that way, but it is. That is why we need people of high standards in law enforcement. We break the law, they enforce it.

The whole thing is a moral dilemma. If this man had been honest about his momentary lapse of judgment in his younger days, he would not have been hired to a job that he had done well for many years. Yet, by lying about anything puts him in a category of an unreliable witness in the court of law, which he must, on occasion, attend as part of his duties. Do we want to dismiss an otherwise worthy dedicated, and useful person because he did one thing of questionable nature? Who are we to judge in this case?

I participated in passing around one joint of marijuana while I was in college. Once! Years later I faced the lie detector test, just as this person, before given a position in law enforcement. I struggled with the problem. After all, it was a trivial usage of one drug, and it was a long time ago. I decided to tell the truth regardless of the potential consequences. The day before my scheduled lie detector test the policy that required testing was changed, so I did not have to take the test that time. I got the job. Knowing myself I can attest that I am no better or worse for having smoked part of that one joint decades ago. I had not done it again, neither was I tempted to do so. But it is totally irrelevant to my decisions on enforcing the law later. Yet, some college-educated know-nothing policy-making bureaucrat would have prevented me from applying myself to do some good years later.

I am used to being held to a higher standard than even our illustrious leaders in Congress and the Presidency are. I very much resent these people getting away with lying and unethical behavior. I also resent their expectation of respect due to their position. I duly respect their office, but not always the person. On the other side, I have complete respect for law enforcement and military officers. These people are not elected. They don't have to compromise their principles in order to serve us. They have worked, and continue to work hard to earn their position. In most instances, we trust them with our lives. Whereas, I would not trust a congressman with my lunch.

Loop Was Cut

I wrote this back in 2008, but did not publish it. Given the previous post I thought it was appropriate to publish it now.

MW and I have talked of piercing for many years. Several years ago we took a vacation during which we had a wonderful time. The place, the company, the experience were perfect. In that setting we planned to include some piercing, the kind that most so-called professionals say, “Don’t try this at home.”

The evening came when I was finished with all chores, and was at her service. We were rather new at this, so she tied my hands together to keep me out of her way. Applying blindfolds to me was the final step before she set up the tools.

I was on my back. She cleansed my tip with alcohol, and proceeded to pierce. I felt a prick then it was over. I felt some more manipulation, but it was not piercing. After that she removed my blindfold and bindings, and told me to go to sleep in the other room. I am uncut, so you have to put this in context. There was not much blood, since the tissue pierced was thin. I was expecting a piercing of the rim of my cock. Instead, she pierced the thin membrane that connect the tip to the underside sometimes called the “frenum”. I was disappointed, yet at the same time thrilled to see the silver ring through my anatomy. You can’t really see the piercing in this picture, for the view would have to be from the side, rather than from the bottom. Still, it shows the yet intact frenum between the tip and the shaft.

Over some years of use the original pierced hole enlarged to the point where I could have pushed a pencil through it. The hole was not visible unless one pulled the surrounding parts just to see it. It did not get in the way. We lived with it.

For some years we have grown used to my wearing some kind of ring around my cock just behind the tip. It was really a wedding ring, only not placed on the ring finger of my right hand. In a way it was more appropriate, and we both felt that. In all other respect my uncut cock looked and functioned normal. But with the ring in place the tissue facing the ring began to thin. I could tell that it was just a matter of time before the membrane became so thin as to part.

The tissue did part. It happened without fanfare, without blood, without pain. One morning I looked at my cock, and realized that the ring was no longer containing the thin membrane. The membrane became cut, separating the tip from the shaft along the frenum. Now I have a cock that is sort of between “uncut” and “circumcised”. The rim in the foreground shows a cleft. It is a result of a former piercing of the rim in which the wire ring migrated to the edge, thereby exiting the piercing altogether.

MW should know all about my cock, since she has handled it much, including two piercings by her, and one observed piercing (PA) by me. I don’t know whether she was aware of the hole in the membrane enlarging over the years. I don’t know whether she knew that the “wedding ring” was instrumental in reducing the connection to zero. At this point I don’t know whether she is aware of the tip having been cut free of the rest. She will probably be very angry to find out. Maybe she will never find out. The loop holding the tip to the shaft became cut during the night of September 28, 2008. Now there is a small flap of skin left at the tip, and at the frenum. It looks different, but otherwise is not a problem.

A Piercing Thought

Back on the farm, we had pigs. Pigs have a habit of digging under fences by using their snouts that have evolved for that task. To minimize the damage that they can do, we pierced the rim of their snout and installed metal rings in it. The result was that the pig decided not to push the issue, and refrained from further digging. Barbaric, isn’t it?

You need to see the actual rim of the pig’s snout before you can make the connection to my current theme. The rim of my cock has had one piercing in the past. The gold wire we used was fascinating, but it worked its way out to the point where I had to remove it before losing it (MW is wearing the ring in her ear now). The reason was that the hole was too close to the edge, and the wire ring migrated to the edge.

There are piercings on other body parts, although not mine, with one exception: my left earlobe is pierced. I wear an ornament that is changed from time to time. At the moment it is a silver ring. In the past it was a gold ring, or a diamond stud. It needs to be changed or removed occasionally to accommodate a job’s personnel requirements, or appearance in court of our peers.

Aside from that, private piercings are an issue with me that is open and welcome. The only time it may be a deterrent is if or when I end up in jail pending arraignment. It has not happened yet, but it is something that I don’t relish. I have delivered many losers to jail and seen them having to declare and remove jewelry as part of entry into incarceration. Then there is the actual dealing with inmates once inside, which I have seen but not yet experienced. Let’s not get there in this venue.

My currently successful piercing is the Prince Albert. It is a source of fascination for me, and a possible source of irritation for MW. Hardware can be abrasive even when it is smooth, unless there is sufficient lubrication. Since she controls my occasion of penetration by my fully functional part, she also has the option to have me remove the hardware before doing so.

This piercing is useful in other respects. I wear a captive bead ring, but it can be easily replaced with a padlock. In either case, the ring or padlock can be locked or clipped to a chain, which in turn is attached to some other device. The most common device is the CB3000. At the moment we are not in a financial position to spend on acquiring a later model. The reason for the connection is to assure that I don’t accidentally drop the device out of my pants’ leg in case I go limp, or if the plastic fails. Besides, the chain with the connection is an extra kick.

A similar safety mechanism can be provided by using a frenum piercing. I had one, but it became unreliable, because the hole enlarged and could not be trusted to contain the locking device before failing. Those of you who are uncut may have a better chance of using this for its intended purpose.

Getting back to the rim, I am still looking forward to having it pierced in one to three places. Once pierced, a ring of some metal or plastic must be kept in the hole permanently to prevent the body’s tendency to close it. I will love to go with welded gold rings. Once in place, they can be joined with a large ring or padlock that would become a sort of chastity device. Not that I need one to keep me chaste, it’s just that I need one to keep me horny. With the proposed ring/lock combination there would be no possibility of penetrating sex, for the other person would violently object. I suppose that masturbation would still be possible unless enhancements were added. I will address that in a later post.

Silly Capitalization

My usual disclaimer: to each his or her own. I am not in judgment, just venting my frustration.

I was borne and raised in a non-English speaking country. After I realized that I could speak, think, and write in English without translation, I was joyous. I had dabbled in other languages, but never got to the point where I no longer needed translation. Those of you who do not speak another language may not appreciate this epiphany. It happens when one begins to think in the other language.

That is just a bit of background to justify my position. We have heard of religious converts who are more zealous than the ordinary religious nuts. I am kind of that way about the English language. I admit that the language is a horrendous mass of words, customs, grammar, and mystique from many other languages. Still, it has its formality that I learned and came to truly appreciate. It is not as gently flowing as some other languages, but a person with the skill can make it as beautiful in writing as in any other language.

Although I like some poetry, I am not a poet. Prose is my means of communication. There I can excel, challenge, and irritate as I please. I can say things that some readers would not truly understand until some subtle hint in my prose hits a key synapse. Then it becomes hilarious, devastating, or just appropriately beautiful.

With all this appreciation of the English language, I am less than amused by the liberties that some people take using it. Profanity, slang, direct and terse statements don’t bother me much. Contractions are acceptable to a certain extent. I use them only to be colloquial and not to appear tight assed. But I draw the line at some usage. For example, the backwoods American sentence, “It don’t matter none anyhow” is colorful, but is also full of errors that, if used often, will insinuate themselves into the language. Just like the nonsensical phrase, “it’s got”. The use of this phrase amazes me. One has to go out of one’s way to be incorrect in grammar to use it. It is an ultimate corruption of “It has gotten” only even that is being used incorrectly. Why go to the trouble of saying all that when one means, “it has”?

But I digress. My point this time is the gauche usage of capitalization with respect to the assumed female superiority. Some misguided male who had no self-respect came up with this silliness, and others of similar nature follow. I could quote from blogs that are inundated with this virus, but I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. I will, however, show exactly what I mean.

Reading the customary mis-capitalization such as “W/we She, i (as opposed to I), Her, O/our, T/they, T/their, etc.” I am irritated. I understand that some males want to be respectful and even worshipful in writing to and about a cherished woman. I approve, and encourage that. On the other hand, it is not necessary to massacre grammar to accomplish that. I can be very respectful using proper English, at least to the extent that I have the skill. I would not go out of my way to adulterate the language just to show my, ah … assumed relative position. My wife would chastise me if she ever caught me using this silly capitalization rule. Yet she knows that I am always respectful and proper with her and with any female.

Oh well, sometimes protocol is the essence. And protocols are arbitrary. However, politeness and conveyance of respect transcend protocol.

I compare this mis-capitalization to groveling. Some people have a need to grovel, and that is all right as far as fantasies go. I have never had any use for grovelers, be they animals or humans. I have groveled from time to time to accommodate a benign scenario, but not as a life style. Any being has a right to self-respect. When self-respect is given away, no amount of protocol will suffice to replace it. In D/S one person is always assumed to have the power, and may “force” the other to do demeaning things. That is the nature of the game. But when the game is over, we again become responsible and sensible humans with self-respect. Constant groveling is not an endearing feature even for a real slave.

I have two large dogs. One is a dear, sweet, loving animal who scares the pants off anyone outside the fence, but he would never hurt me. He is not a groveler. The other, well she is as big, gentle or fierce given the occasion, and would not hurt me either, but she is something else. I try to bolster her self-image, but I don’t speak dog, so it is difficult. It is kind of like people who have to demean themselves in order to feel whole. She is just not all there.

Sexless Marriage

My inspiration for this pontification comes from “whatevershesays” at http://shestheboss.blogspot.com/. He posted one titled, “Sexless Isn’t Loveless”.

The thing that got my juices going was his saying, “I am a lucky guy and I don't think I could look my kids in the eye and say that I'm divorcing their mom, blowing up their lives, because she doesn't screw me enough.”

He is right as far as I am concerned. He shows maturity and ability to be responsible for his actions. Many failed marriages are because of the people involved are immature, and expect too much.

That brings me to the idea that prompted this posting. I remember how enamored I was with my girlfriend. She could not do anything wrong. She was beautiful, virginal, and deserving of all the good I could do for her. After we married, we practically ate each other in our attempt at taking and giving pleasure. It took a while for the sexual addiction to each other to vane to the point where we could go through a day without one of us orgasming.

I will not get into the details here, just take a shortcut to where I was heading. A disclaimer again: I am excluding psychotic and abusive relationships here. In either case there is a good reason for divorce, regardless of the baggage that needs to be handled. I am addressing only the relatively normal situations, which are complex enough already.

“Why is it that two people seem perfectly matched sexually at the beginning, then later on they become virtual sexual strangers?” I seldom hear complaints from a woman along these lines. It is mostly from men: they no longer get enough sex.

What changed?

Was she faking it at the beginning and now she is tired of doing so?

Has he changed into some useless schmuck who does not deserve her sex?

Does familiarity cause loss of interest and desire?

I am sure it is not a matter of aging, for either partner may be willing to get into a new relationship with all the sex, given ideal circumstances. So, why is it that the man (or the woman) does not get enough sex any more?

Excluding physiological and phsychological difficulties, so-called normal people experience these problems. Experimenting with sexual and relational deviations (for example, D/S, FLR, cuckolding, swinging, etc.) may enhance their enjoyment to approach what their sex was at the beginning. But even that winds down at some point.

That leaves two people in a relationship facing serious problems. Marriage, children, property in common, and caring relatives are to be considered. Whatever the reason for unsatisfactory sex, these issues don’t go away. Immature and irresponsible people will divorce and tend to repeat the past. Others face their responsibilites and get by on love, caring, familiarity, and occasional sex. But the satisfaction is missing.

Why?

Cybernetic FLR

MW and I do have an amount of affirmation of FLR as an ongoing thing. The problem is that intelligent beings are cybernetic. That means goal oriented. Being goal oriented carries an associated burden. We are not satisfied with leaving things alone. Continuing improvement is the goal of the day, any day. Status quo is for the dead or dying. If the man got his ass whipped on Monday, and the pain and bruises have left by Wednesday, he needs to do something about it. Either up the intensity or the count, so that the results in turn would persist until Thursday, and so on.

I am not really trying to solve problems through corporal punishment, although it has been know to work. I use it simply as an illustration of my point. Many men in FLR complain, or at least, feel slighted, when the woman does not continue to remain in charge in blatantly obvious ways. In their assessment, that is not even status quo, but straying off course. This is of course, contrary to cybernetics, and to their expectations. Taking the woman’s point of view is less demanding: “He is already goal oriented, so why should I do anything?”

Well, for one thing, even well oiled machinery needs to be maintained and tested periodically. A submissive man needs both of what a responsible person would allocate to machinery: maintenance and testing. But he is more than machine. He has balls and cock. And … oh yes, a brain. He is not all hormone-driven. Some of it is truly wired into his being.

It is known and accepted, that females during their reproductive years are influenced by hormones periodically to the extent that hormones affect their behavior. That is good. Males, on the other hand, are also influenced by hormones during their reproductive years, but that is bad. The reason it is bad, is because it is perceived bad, as in “Horny bastard who has nothing but fornication on his mind.”

That may be true in some cases, but I ask you, “Is it that a male is trying to be just a horny bastard for his own gratification? Could it be, that he is still primal to the point where being horny is in the behalf of maintaining the human race, and he is only doing his duty?” Just think of the females of the great apes in estrus. Do the males fornicate for the sake of fornication, or do they follow the scent and sight of the female in estrus because they have no choice? Maybe humans should have transcended the primal needs. Then again, maybe not. After all, what would be the point of living if at the end we all died because we did not act on our primal needs? So some of us at least should remain horny and attempt to procreate. So much for the rabid feminist view of having no use for males. Maybe some day, but not today. Today we need males to attempt to procreate just to maintain the species.

What I mean is, “Give us a fucking break!”

Yes, I know, there are assholes out there. But true assholes are non-gender-specific. As far as I know, all mammals have assholes, whether male or female. Male assholes tend to be more in your face. Yuck! But it is just as bad encountering a female asshole. Actually, it is worse, because we don’t expect it. At least, I don’t, since I put females on a pedestal, and it is a terrible blow when they don’t belong. Damn! That should not happen. Females are supposed to be nice. You know, like “sugar and spice …”

I have had my share of dealing with male and female assholes while on duty for the county. I would say, it was about 60/40, 60 being male. So we can assume that in an FLR 60 percent of the assholes are males. Be careful not to interpret this incorrectly as 60 percent of males in an FLR are assholes. I did not say that!

If you are female and are tired of hearing males in an FLR bitching, try to lighten up a bit. Based on my assumptions we are generally horny, and cybernetic, so it is not easy to keep silent when the partners don’t follow the plan.

I don’t complain to MW because she would resent it, and the complaint would not result in anything positive. The problem is that if I don’t complain, then she assumes that all is right as rain, and she needs not change a thing. This leaves me with a dilemma.

Being somewhat understanding of human nature, I have my ways to convey my message once in a while without resorting to complaints. I almost never get my way with her, but then, it is not my way but her way that is supposed to be paramount, so it works out all right. She is aware of all of my kinks, needs, and desires, so there is no need for me to “have a talk with her”. If she fails to give me any or all that, I don’t like it, but we both know that it is her choice. On the long run she does many wonderful things for me, not necessarily of sensual or sexual nature. We miss each other terribly when she goes on a trip without me or vice versa. Meanwhile I take what she gives me, and I serve her as well as I can.

I could do more, but I am not a fanatic about it, and she knows it. It is seldom that she needs to prompt me to do anything. Ours is not the ideal (fantasy) FLR, just one that works for both of us. I wish for more control by her, but then I am also cybernetic and horny.

Oh, The Pain Of It

Those of us, who are even in the slightest way into BDSM, know that there is a difference between how or why one experiences pain. I have not heard or read from anyone who for example, enjoys a toothache, headache, stubbed toe, or a broken leg. Maybe I am just not enough of a connoisseur. Who knows?

Then there is that other kind of pain that ranges from the effect of a pat on a bare bottom to whole body ache from being suspended while receiving vigorous caning, whipping, and other forms of S/M fallout (not that I would have first-hand knowledge of such).

Why is there a difference? Anyone care to comment? Is it just the context, or are there “pleasurable” pain receptors that kick in only when the mind says to kick in?

I fall into what I would call mild S/M range, of course, the degree is always in the eye (or the butt) of the beholder, so who am I to judge? I could be this or that depending on what is available when it comes to imparting love pain.

I found out early in my marriage to MW that she is definitely not a natural submissive. She does not like or want pain, and has an aversion to any device whose impact is to her soft parts in order to get her attention. That pretty much excluded her being on the receiving end of any session with me holding the crop. The closest we ever came to it were a few times when I very gently slapped her lovely butt with my palm. She even commented that it “felt good” but that I should not assume anything. Then there was one time when we were fooling around with me on top. I manipulated her arms above her head, and grabbed her wrists in one hand while I used my other hand to part her nether lips and we had very penetrating, very quick, very satisfying sex as I held her wrists. It was sort of pretend but I am not really certain. Anyway, I felt that she might have a potential if I were to approach her gently. Months later the event came up in conversation, and she said something like, “I faked it.” As you can expect, that blew my smug assumption that I could ever dominate her that way. Oh well, back to my being the submissive with her.

I have always assumed that being the dominant in a partnership is the more responsible, harder working, less satisfying, more stressful part. As a dominant you have to plan. You have to make sure that nothing bad happens and that everything that needs doing gets done whether mundane bill paying or kinky sex games are concerned. As a dominant you are in charge and your sub looks up to you, so you must maintain a certain attitude of being in charge, knowing all the answers, and never losing your composure.

Contrast this with the submissive partner’s position. He (or she) needs to be respectful and compliant. He may expect to be disciplined or punished for misdeeds and transgressions. He may have times of deathly boredom and excruciating highs. But he needs to make few important decisions. His life is managed by a stronger person.

I could go on with this, but we all know that it is futile. This relationship can have a range from the very simple to the most stylized: “Different strokes for different folks.” The details are to be negotiated. If not, then break it up!

I would like to point out that I don’t really like pain, not even in jest. So, in some of my submissive episodes it is a definite deterrent to bad behavior. For example, if she says, “Don’t do this …” I don’t do this. At least not on purpose, because I know that my ass could, and did a number of times, hurt as a result. I will take a side road here to point out something before I get back to our relationship.

I ran across a blog, whose address I no longer have, but it was done by a dominant female. Her attitude to discipline or punishment was summed up in, and I paraphrase,

"Why should one adult force another adult to behave a certain way? If I had to punish him, then I am not really a dominant but a bully. I prefer to allow him to serve me on his own just because he wants to.”

I agree with all that, but at the same time I think that she misses the point 100 percent. Some of us want to be punished, want to be hurt, need the pain, and if you must be a bully to accomplish that, then so be it. As I said, being the dominant is the harder part.

In a BDSM relationship or scenario nobody is forcing anybody before they agree to do it. This is assumed to be consensual, and it implies that even after the scene starts, either partner is allowed to stop it. But once into the scene, there are some expectations on both sides. It is not all vanilla pats on the bum, but is expected to have some impact or such to spice it up. So if anyone complains, they are in the wrong relationship. The subject of disciplining or punishing of another adult is expected by both parties. The only things that are negotiable are the degree and the context, which vary among relationships.

Now that I have established the right to discipline or be disciplined, let’s get on with it. In many of my wishes of sex play between us I imagined that she would like to whip me with an instrument of her choice as a way to build herself to a state where she would then allow me to serve her in all oral and penetrating ways to give her pleasure. Anyone can see that this is my fantasy and not really considering her needs. It is the payment for my suffering. Nevertheless, it is my fantasy and I have a right to think anything I want. The bottom line here is that I wish that she would get off giving me erotic pain. I have yet to find out whether this is true, but am willing to experiment!

Once in a while I do something by mission or omission that she considers a cause for discipline or punishment. As a note, I consider “discipline” as a corrective measure, and “punishment” as a means to absolve one’s guilt. In either case, it is understood that she has the right to impart this at any time under any circumstances, and that I will take it without resistance and without complaint. I also have a right to state my opinion of it after the session is over. Whether I was right or wrong I cannot expect, although I may receive, anything from her as a result of her decision. The deed is done, and we go from there.

I really like this approach for several reasons. The most important is that it is a way to resolve any dispute without needing an arbitrator and without leaving loose ends. In an FLR, she decides the outcome, and I will comply before or after being corrected as such.

There are other reasons why this works, but I will address those at some other time. The “bottom line” is that my bottom hurts and that gets my attention. It also tends to change my attitude for a while. Sure I could argue, I could over-power her, I could quit the FLR. But that would be contrary to all that an FLR is about, and we are in it by choice.

Just Love

We lay in bed after having watched a movie. One of us mentioned “cuddling”. It has been a while. The activity associated with that is just pure love and lust. Feeling each other to any extent, not being compelled to produce anything. Enjoying the senses to whatever extent we can, and maybe drift off to sleep. It is a safe place with a loved one that should exist eternal.

She began to pull my wedding ring off the little guy. That set me on edge a bit since the ring is tight, and there is the PA ring on the tip, which needs to be delicately slipped through the silver ring. I took over the effort, and removed the silver ring. Of course, the PA ring remained in place.

She pulled me over her onto her. Her action must have been like the science fiction exoskeleton machinery in Alien: with a slight twist of any of her muscle I complied. I was on top, and she guided me inside her. That alone being a mind-blowing experience, she began to pinch my tits, my on/off switches, to her satisfaction. In the past I would have blown my stack then and there.

I guess I have sort of lost practice. I was turned on to the point where I could just die. Yet, in spite of the help she gave, and the joy of penetrating sex with her, I could not get it off. Yes, I maintained a tremendous erection, reminiscent of the mocking nightly ones, yet there I was, wishing to orgasm.

I usually don’t do the “hump and pump at high speed”. We both love it gently and slowly with feeling. But this time even that did not produce the desired effect. The little guy hung in there, but he just did not allow me to be included in his pleasure. I withdrew to avoid irritating her.

Maybe she will allow me again real soon.

Screaming Dominance

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In Lieu Of Tribute ...

I have strong feelings for the meaning of Memorial Day. I should have said something earlier. Belatedly, here it is.

Once in a lifetime we are given an opportunity to give someone his or her due. Through no fault of mine I was in such position some years back. A person whom we knew died, and someone needed to give a few words on the occasion.

I was in the armed forces, a missile artillery outfit in the far-east. Our company did not have a chaplain. The company commander was sane and rational, but I would not have gone to him for psychological, spiritual, or sexual consultation. My platoon leader was a fine man, about my age. He and I spent some time over beers, but he was no wiser than I. The first sergeant of the company was an old bear whom nobody loved, including his mother, I am sure. With the fifty or so people in the outfit there was not anyone whom I would liken to the chaplain character on M*A*S*H.

I was a bit of a misfit due to my background. I came from unusual origin and had been educated more than my fellows. I also did not get drunk every night, and did not partake the local fauna.

Maybe it was this reason why people came to me for confession and consultation in lieu of a chaplain. At first I took it lightly, for I was not very wise myself. Later I realized that these people, including me, needed a spiritual leader from time to time. What bothered me was that I knew I was not qualified, yet they came to me nevertheless. Sometimes they left offerings like a cigar, a half-six-pack of beer or a bag of sunflower seeds. I did not want any offerings. Given my dubious qualifications I would have been willing to pay for some of the stories that they presented to me. But I began to take it seriously enough to at least not disclose it to others. Kind of like a confessional between priest and sinner, although the demarcation in this case was a bit fuzzy.

There was one sergeant who had a tendency to piss off anyone, including the company commander. I managed to stay out of his way, for I had my position that did not interact with him. However, one spring day we got some news over the telephone: "Sergeant XXX died while crossing a flooded river. He, his driver, and a number of local nationals were swept by the raging river into the deep waters. None survived."

Due to my imposed status I was called to deliver the equivalent of a eulogy before the company. My first inclination was to say nothing. I learned early in my life that if I can’t say anything good about a person, it is best to say nothing. But that was not an option.

This was many years ago, so I don’t remember exactly what I said upon the occasion. I know I dismissed the thought of saying “It could not have happened to a nicer guy.” I could say that over a beer with another soldier, but not in front of a group who expects something more spiritual regardless of their dislike for the recently deceased.

My assessment of what I said back then may have been similar to this:

“Sergeant XXX was generally disliked.

“In actuality, he appeared to be a despicable asshole. But that was just his attitude. I am sure he had some good qualities. He managed to hold down his job and avoid pissing off people to the extent of getting him killed. We must give him credit for that.

“I have tried to get close to him several times. He could not care less. I gave up after a while, and just nodded in his direction when we passed."

While saying these words I looked at faces and saw smiles and nods what I assumed were acknowledging similar experiences with the former asshole. I finished with this,

“I know that we did not make friends with him. I realize that he was not one to have for a friend, for he never seemed to trust anyone. I suspect that he lived a very lonely life as a result of that. While he was here, I, or many of you I assume, could not have cared less for his living or passing.

“But now that he is gone, I want to express my sincere feeling about him. The nationals who were in the vehicle with him were innocent of anything to do with him. They were victims of circumstances. He was simply giving them a ride from place to place. So, in the end, in spite of himself, he was trying to do a good deed. If there were a way to give him and the nationals a second chance, I would consider it.

"May they rest in peace."

I came away with some satisfaction that I did not do harm in this instance. My fellow soldiers did not say anything, but neither did they laugh or threaten me with bodily harm. The already grumpy first sergeant went back to his shit list, and the company commander looked at me for a few seconds while shaking his head, and left. My lieutenant joined me and suggested that we have some beer.

Why the hell not? We were off duty and after five in the evening. We got wasted.