The Need to be Dominated

The Prime Directive of a Submissive Male

I will be blunt. I have said a lot of significant things wrapped in gentle hints before. This time I will say it the way it is. Or at least, the way I think it is.

Most of the male’s desire to serve a female can be distilled to wanting to be sexually dominated by the female.

Go ahead, challenge me on this. Tell me all about it.

I have come to where I am in a relationship with females in a circuitous way, but I always had a recurring theme: I wanted to be taken sexually, which is what I call “prime directive one.” My journey started at age six with that, continued, and it is still that way. All the other things I have done were to achieve prime directive one. There! Now you know all you need to know about me, and use it for your own gain and pleasure, or against me.

Is there a true submissive out there?

Show me the altruistic slave to a female, and I will show you a horny bastard who is willing to give anything to be used and abused by a female, but on his terms. You heard me, “on his terms”. Not that it will necessarily happen, but in his fantasies it will, and he will agree to about anything to make it so.

Let’s propose a hypothetical but common scenario that I have read often over the last few years. A man is into serving a woman. He may be into forced chastity, tease and denial, corporal punishment, etc. This covers maybe ninety percent of the submissive men. When he is “allowed” to masturbate, or to have sex with his Mistress, what do you think he is thinking about? Is he thinking about cleaning the kitchen? Maybe removing the kitty litter or taking her dog for a walk? I think not. More likely some kinky stuff that has to do with very sensual body contact with his female or another, in a way that he seldom or never gets. He can still be a perfectly good submissive to her in a real sense, just that he, and most men, including me, usually don’t get all that we want from our Mistress. So, we take what we can, and rely on fantasy for the rest. Not that the Mistress is likely to be much different as far as that goes.

A Primitive Analogy

A cart that carries a heavy load needs good axles that are lubricated by good quality axle grease. When all is well and working flawlessly the driver or owner can ignore the axles for a while. Then, after some heavy load, especially under severe conditions, the lubricant wears off. The axles begin to squeal. The noise can be ignored for a while, but it is not the real problem. The noise is just an indicator of some deeper need that requires immediate attention. Without further lubrication the axle will fail.

So much for “Service, true service, and nothing but service for a deserving female.” There may be all that, but that is just part of the whole. It is an admirable goal that not many men will attain, not even for short periods of time. At least, not without robust sexual domination by the woman of their attention as a payment for services. Think of it as the lubricant for a hard working axle.

Extreme Cases

We are aware of the sad fact of rape against women. It is constantly in the news, it is in our history, and it is in our future. I will try to control myself about elaborating on this, for it would take a book or two to do it some justice. I will say, however, “Women can be raped with consequences, whereas men can not.” There have been isolated cases of man claiming to have been raped by a woman, and even less often being able to bring prosecution against her. I would have loved to be on the jury of that trial. I would love to know exactly what is meant by rape in this case. Aside from the prurient interest, I would love to learn how a woman could rape a man without his cooperation. I suppose that an elaborate exception could be imagined and executed, just that I don’t see it in real life. Some of the questions by me would be “Why would she rape him?” and “How would she rape him?”

On the other hand, a woman can be raped by a usually stronger man, or a man of determination, skill, and dedication. I don’t see a woman getting off on being raped. I don’t see a woman advocating to be raped. I see rape as a personal insult, a harmful act, and a serious crime. While I could see a man being raped in the same light, I insist that implementation is unlikely.

In Summary …

Getting into the kinky stuff, it is many men’s fantasy to be raped by a woman or women. They don’t necessarily want it to happen, and would probably try to prevent it if it were to come up for real. Nevertheless, it is a powerful fantasy that drives the man’s need to submit to a woman. Yes, men will do cleaning, dusting, driving, and even boot licking, etc., just to get the favors from their object of desire. All this is valid. It is a way to get some kinky attention that we men crave. But let’s get real. It is all about wanting to be sexually dominated by a woman. The rape of a male is usually without consequence unless one is into frequenting clientele of unsavory pedigree: sexually transmitted disease, psychotic S/M practices, and indulging in drugs as part of the act are not addressed here.

I am trying to be in a Female Led Relationship. I love it when my wife takes over. If it is non-sexual, I think that it will be, given time. If it is sexual, I want more, I want to escalate it. The real problem is when we need to address reality on the long term. Things like earning a living, dealing with the law, raising children, honoring family obligations, serving the country, etc. It can be done. But some aspect of the relationship will suffer, and we must be willing to work with that. A female can lead as well as a male, but when it is to satisfy a male’s fantasy of sexual domination, the real issues are not being addressed.

A Salute to Ms Rika

About Ms Rika

A year or so ago I sent a link to my wife. I guess that MW became interested, for that is when she created my ID for Ms Rika's Site’s “forum”. Subsequent to this, MW was also the creator of my blog so that I can share some of our life with those who are enlightened.

What I find most interesting is what MW said later, “Rika changed my life.”

The meaning of MW’s words need explanation for those who don’t know our background. I have mentioned some of this in my posts, but will summarize it here.

I have had a need to serve women as long as I remember. Earlier in our marriage we talked about it, and from time to time my dear wife agreed to act the part of a strict female. The scenarios were harmless and fun, but unsatisfying for both of us. I did not get what I really wanted, which was to truly serve my lovely wife. She did not feel strict or powerful because it was not her nature. Even in play we just could not get serious about it.

Early View of Female Domination

I ran across an old copy of a magazine, “Assertive Women, March 1998”. Well all right, I bought it way back then. There was not much of quality publication back in those dark ages, and this was a semi-reasonable treatment of man’s addiction to serving women. The so-called “Letters From Readers” to the in-house assertive expert, Alexa, seemed reasonable although contrived. Here is a picture from the magazine.

I don’t think that the magazine exists any more, at least, I could not find any mention of it on the web. Since I no longer frequent porno shops, I can’t say whether or not the magazine is still sold. There is no record of the identity of the photographer, so I could not get permission. Given that, I make an exception of using some other person’s work to illustrate my point.

While I have nothing against anyone liking the scenario in this photo, I find it ridiculous. I find the whole Idea of females doing this very commercial. I think that afterward they go home and take a very long hot shower to distance themselves from the whole idea. They are not being dominant. They are being used. This is totally against FLR.

Back then, MW’s understanding of domination was that she needed the paraphernalia of a stylized dominatrix: rubber, plastic, leather, metal, whip, etc., including humiliation of the man. I, on the other hand, did not need or want much of that. What I really wanted was an emotional and spiritual domination by a woman. That is the kind of domination that one cannot buy from a professional. Sure, I could have my ass whipped, be forced to kiss her boots, be naked while she is dressed. All that may have been sexy and powerful, but truly, it would not have been a long-term solution to my needs. We were both immature in our assessment of this lifestyle.

We evolved over the years, but MW apparently had not seriously accepted the premise that a woman need not be mean, need not perform for her man, and need not go to a lot of trouble to satisfy her man’s fantasy.

And then I ran across Rika’s site, and the rest is history.

Uniquely Rika

I did buy her book, “Uniquely Rika.” I have not read it, because my understanding was that MW would read it first, and then she would say whether or not I should. She is still working on it, and I am next in line if she decides so. I am really looking forward to reading the book, but will go along with her decision. I have posted the title in the sidebar of my blog. It is the only book there that I have not (yet) read. But I trust Rika enough to do this.

Why FLRs Are Successful

I don’t really think that FLRs are more successful than vanilla relationships. What I observe is that the beginning of any relationship is intense, charged with sexuality, and that at least one of the partners is really working at it to make it succeed. Not necessarily in a positive way, but more in a way to satisfy his or her basic needs. I admit that this is indeed a jaundiced view, but then, we are all adults and know that there are avaricious people out there.

In a budding FLR most of the time it is the man who starts it. If it succeeds at first, it is because he puts in the time and the effort, and provides the incentives to the partner to begin and to continue the affair. Of course, the female has to participate to whatever extent is necessary. This is a time of trial, turmoil, and interesting experiences. It can fail for many reasons, most of which are caused by selfishness of either partner. But when it succeeds, it can be very satisfying for both partners. Regardless of claims to the contrary, an FLR is a D/S relationship.

A D/S relationship, regardless of who is in charge, is different from vanilla in the sense that one partner is committed to serve the other. The submissive still has expectations, but the very act of doing something for the partner is self serving and feeds back to the needs of the submissive. It is somewhat like masturbation, only doing it remotely. I challenge anyone to provide real experience where this is not true.

Without D/S the relationship reverts to vanilla where the dominance scale approaches, but seldom reaches 50-50. Read that as “nobody is in charge”. It can still work, but it is seldom an achievable match where both partners are satisfied with the idea. The traditional patriarchal relationship is usually from 60-40 to 90-10 with the man in charge. When it works, it is because the woman does not mind giving up freedom in exchange for protection and security. The man seldom has the opportunity to say, “Yes, I will be in charge, and she will be under my protection.” It has been simply understood that that will be the case.

That is why it is so unusual when the female becomes the leader through her own implementation of her needs. Here too, both have to support the idea, because it is against tradition, and it is unusual for the supposed stronger partner (the male) to give up leadership. By the way, if the usually stronger partner is the male, he is not necessarily more fitted to be the leader. If the woman is more intelligent or smarter than the man, it may be very hard on her to live with the submissive position unless she is or wants to be submissive naturally. I have known men who are not fit to lead a pack of roaches, yet they are supposed to be in charge of the family. Some of these men may not be smart enough to realize that it is the “little woman” who is the true leader, and that he is just a figurehead. With too much ego and testosterone these men cannot relinquish their position without feeling like a failure or a “sissy”. Yet these are the men who should definitely be in an FLR.

The ego issue is perhaps the most compelling for unenlightened people to oppose FLR. Listen to the bravado of macho males and you get the idea that they would rather die than give up their position, and that any hint that the woman is in charge is an insult to them. The adjectives, “henpecked” and “pussywhipped” are not applied in a benign way and face to face to a man. Yet both adjectives imply some level of FLR.

From my perspective it takes strength of character for a man to admit that he wants or needs his woman to be in charge of him. Sure, any man with bedroom fantasies will admit to wanting the woman to take charge during sex from time to time. But that is mostly unrelated to freely admitting to the unenlightened that he is submissive to his partner. It is like a homosexual who never comes out of the closet for fear of embarrassment.

I have read an “interview” by one of the best bloggers at http://vanillaedge.wordpress.com/2008/02/13/rika-does-vanilla/#comments.
The person being interviewed is Ms. Rika, whom I admire greatly. As I have been advocating the true submission to women, this quote, out of context, is telling:

“…D/s is about what he does for me, not what I do to him. We judge the success of the D/s dynamic on how satisfied I am; and on how good a job he does in anticipating my needs and fulfilling them….”

Indeed, it is not about my need, but about her need that my submission should exist. This is what most men in what they assume to be FLR fail to understand. This is why budding FLRs fail. This is why most males just go into a tailspin after “they do all they can and the female just does not see the rewards or benefits of what they have so selflessly given.”

Men, read Ms. Rika’s writings, and you might get a clue. If, after reading all of her writings and the question/answer blogs you still think that you are slighted by your female partner, you may not be what you profess to be. I don’t take away from your need and willingness to submit, just that you need to become real. You need to understand and admit the truth. I am not advocating rules, contracts, etc. They are just fun trivia. What I am advocating is understanding your needs and wants, and those of your partner. All else is like frosting on a cake.

There is one more point to present before beating this subject to death. Some women are not capable, or are not willing to be in charge, which is what is definitely required in an FLR. A man who is trying to develop an FLR in relationship with such woman must at some point admit that. It is not necessarily the end of the world as far as he is concerned. If the relationship is strong and loving otherwise, the two can still play FLR from time to time. He can still remain as good as he was while he thought that he was in an FLR. She can accommodate some of his kinks and still receive the benefit. The adapted relationship is not as blatant as he may have expected, but it can still be fun and satisfying for both. This is especially true when considering the alternatives: complete abandonment of FLR, reverting to a resentful vanilla relationship with who-knows-who-is-in-charge, or divorce and subsequent search for a more agreeable partner.

In closing I return to the premise of this posting. FLRs, when successful, are so because at least one of the partners is committed to make it work at almost all cost. The other partner, if she or he buys into the relationship, need not do quite as much. Nevertheless, it does take two to have this relationship. This may be true for vanilla relationships, but as I said, the closer the D/S gets to 50-50, the less chance there is that it is viable.