Unforgiven

The Gift That Is Not Given


Some of you continue living in Neverland. For the nonce it is good. You can convince yourselves that it is real and that it will never change. She has taken charge of your sexual needs and does or does not do what you really want. You keep going serving her while you get some bits of gratitude here and there, and you are happy with it. I have been there. For all I know, I am still there. But there is a problem that is not part of the sexual gratification of a female led relationship. It has to do with deeper commitments and pseudo-obligations.

I grew up loving Christmas. It is a Christian made holiday, and I have no problem with it. The way my family approached it while I was a child was benign. If we had the resources, we gave presents to one another. When resources were scarce we rejoiced in the spirit, and not blamed would-be gift givers.

As my children grew in a slightly different venue, expectations were different. A gift was expected. If not given or received, the would-be giver was in deep shit. That is me.

Now it is years later, and my children don’t expect much from me in the way of things for gifts. But my wife does.

I am not a fucking saint. I don’t claim to be the best husband or the only virile and most ardent lover to MW. Well, I am the only one, as it turns out, but still, I try not to take unearned credit. The thing is, I persevere. I am there for her at all times. I do things for her even when she does not ask. It is my nature to be kind to her and to give her all that she wants and needs. I seldom fail. Even when I am ill I provide her needs. I have never denied her anything that was within my power. Even when I am tired I give her comfort. I always give her love. That is not sex, although I would never withhold sex from her. It is love and kindness. I feel the same about our children and their significant others. I don’t judge their behavior, and I don’t hold a grudge when they do something shitty. I may not like it, but I get over it.

Then there are these holidays when I am expected to give a gift. In our opulent society it is difficult to find a gift that is meaningful. Electronic gadgets are no longer appreciated since they are generally up our assess already. Clothing is a no-gift item, since that too, is so plentiful that one more tee shirt with a message will end up in the charity items the next day. Food is not a gift item anyway, since it is plentiful and wasted already. So I try to think of something that is personal, from me to her, and not one thing that anyone could give her but me. Well, I have had many of those. The problem is that these gifts I have been giving all along during the rest of the year, and come Christmas time, one more just does not count. After all, having given hundreds of such gifts, one more is just un-noticeable, down in the mud. Maybe a diamond would be noticed, but then, I cannot afford one, so here I am. What to give her?

And so goes Christmas, and so I am in deep shit. I still do my thing in serving her, but that is of no importance. It’s the gift that I did not give that counts. The days will go on, and I will keep giving. But the gift that I did not give will be unforgiven. I am tired. I am ready to do away with this kind of Christmas.