Monday, November 26, 2007

Pontification #3: Dispelling a Couple of Myths

Disclaimer of Transgressions about to Take Place

Be it known that I am in a Female Led Relationship on my own free will, that I do not want to change, that I love my wife who is the elected dominant in my life, and that I submit to her in most decisions that affect our relationship. Also be it known that I am not a mindless slave, never have been, and never will be. I will do anything that my wife wants because I know that she is intelligent, kind, law abiding, caring, warm, trustworthy person who would not harm me, herself, or any other person through her actions or inactions.

If you are female and feel superior to males you are probably superior, and exploit it as you wish.

If you are male and feel that females are superior to you, you are likely to be right, and enjoy the submissive feelings that come as a side effect.

However, in general, give me a friggin’ break.

I am Committed to the Relationship. When it comes to authoritative and sober look at submission to a female I have some favorite sites:

There are others, for example

That last one is quite interesting if you are willing to explore more extensive domination. Some of the opinions by these people differ. It is not necessarily in the realm of right versus wrong. It is more dealing with what you are willing to endure as a submissive, what you expect as a dominant, what your expectations are from your partner, etc. There is little that I can say that would be different or to add value. I do not have the vast experience of someone who has had several relationships, some private some professional in the D/S realm. However, that does not invalidate my opinion. My approach is from my own experience shown in the presently occurring real context of my marriage. I also add a bit of logic in dealing with these.

In my marriage, commitment has been the primary motivator. Of course, all that began with love, but later was augmented with responsibility for the little pink fruits of our love. Many years later the responsibility is less of an inducement, because our little fruits are more or less on their own. We could split. But love remains, and is renewed by our sharing of this voluntary power exchange. Commitment is the neat package that contains all of that. I wish that I had been introduced to FLR earlier.

A Peek into My Background

A little perspective about my background may help you to accept my discourse. While I was active in law enforcement I had to maintain an attitude of distrust of anything and anyone. This attitude was borne of experience. When I faced a man or men, I assumed that anything can happen (and did!), and seldom took a “yes” to mean “yes” unless I verified it first. That was just a way of survival. Contrast this with facing a female subject out in the field. My immediate feelings were of care and protection no matter how abusive, ugly, disreputable, or uncaring she appeared or acted at the time. Read that as “some people have bad days and are not always that way.” I still had my shield up, but I was ready to drop everything to help her. Oh my! Was I duped a number of times! I learned, but I am still a sucker for the female. Especially when she cries. So, if you want to see my heart melt before your very eyes, pretend that you are crying. Oh, and of course, you need to appear to be female.

So what makes the difference in my attitude toward male versus female? Two things come to my mind. One is the potential damage and harm that the principals can cause at the time. The other is my inherent and insuppressible love of the female. Yes, it is a handicap, but one I am happy to accept.

To close off this subject for now I will say that since it is about sex, females are in the lead, and males don’t have a chance. But as we all know, life is not always that clear about alternatives.

The Myth of White Supremacy

I risk the anger of a few people while I present this theory, but if you stay with me you may see where all this leads and not give up on me. There are some folks who will advocate the assumption that the white race is superior to all other races. I don’t have a problem with that as long as I am not forced to subscribe to it. So far I have not had to compromise my principles with respect to this, but at one time I did have to live with people who swore by it. That was a while back, but the details and implications remain clear in my mind. The strange thing is that all of this is based on assumptions.

In my humble background I never took anything as true unless I knew the source to be based on relevant facts. Sure, I trusted some of my peers and some of my superiors, but not just some average Joe or Jane who walked in from the street, nor so-called experts who usually had an agenda that they did not disclose unless they were squeezed for it.

To my knowledge as of today there has not been a credible scientific research that produced acceptable results to back the claim that any race is superior to any other race. Of course, you are welcome to believe anything you want. We are not here to judge or to dissuade free thinkers.
The Myth of Female Supremacy

I know that in this forum, one that deals with Female Led Relationships, I may be about to anger a lot of people again. Please stay with me until the end of this article. You may actually see things a little more clearly then.

My exposition of the subject of white supremacy was merely a way to present my case here. Substitute “female supremacy” for “white supremacy” and the argument is the same. The bottom line is that there is no evidence to support either.

There are advocates of female supremacy within both genders. Some make a living at it, some make a name for themselves, and others espouse it because they are preaching to the choir, and all they hear is “amen”. I am not going to argue specific cases of claims that females are superior to males. It would be fun, but would also be an exercise in futility.

There are many marriages that fail and end in divorce. Why do they fail? Is it because the relationship is male-led instead of female-led? Is a female-led relationship guaranteed to work? Is a male-led relationship doomed to fail?

Before you throw me under a bus, please re-read my disclaimer at the beginning of this post. I am all for female led relationships. But only when it is appropriate. Try that at other times and it will fail just a surely as a male-led or any other relationship.

How and Why a FLR Works

I am leaving out any discussion of cases in which one partner or another is forced into the relationship. I am talking about voluntary power exchange here. I have read some blogs where the female is the submissive and is happy about it. Personally, I could live with that and give her my wholehearted support while I dominate her. As long as it is a voluntary, loving, caring relationship, I am all for it. Consider for example, male or female homosexual relationships. Which one of the relationships is superior to the other? Which one of the partners is superior to the other? Does it matter?

In my humble opinion an FLR works when, and only when the participants follow their own rules of behavior and want it to work. The same conclusion can be said about any other relationship. It turns out that FLRs tend to be orchestrated by men, and it is the man who gives up control to a certain extent. This means that he is committed to the power exchange and many of its implications. The woman in this relationship assumes some responsibility in exchange for gaining power. This is no different from a man-led relationship as long as it is consensual. What is different here is that in either case, both parties have a stake in the success. This is in contrast with an adversarial relationship where one of the partners is unable or unwilling to submit. Consensual relationships are likely to succeed whereas adversarial relationships are likely to fail.

Anecdotal evidence, and that is the only evidence so far, suggests that a FLR is a stable relationship that works. I am not arguing with that. However, it takes a huge leap of faith to assume from this that all relationships should be FLR either because females are superior, or because they somehow are able to manage better than males in leading a relationship.

An Antithesis to an Anecdotal Evidence

I remember a photograph of a couple that I found strange. The man was a few feet behind and to one side of the woman as they walked. The woman wore a tee-shirt with the words, “I am with Stupid”. I assumed that “Stupid” was referring to the poor schmuck behind her. Now I ask you, if the woman was superior and assumedly smarter than “Stupid”, why was she involved with him? Why would she deal with some shithead who had only sex on this brain? Apparently it was not his intellect, so it had to be some other characteristic that he possessed which she did not. Did not that make him superior to her at least in that aspect? What about other aspects? I hope that you see the futility of the assertion of one being superior to the other.

I did say at the beginning that it is all about sex. I will save that thought for another posting.


Mike and Eva said...

Hi Susan's pet,

Very interesting post, really worth reading. We agree with many things, although in our relation either Mike or Eva wins. Depending on the situation, the subject etc. Indeed we do have a lot of discussion, but it give us the ability to exchange our views and get balanced descisions in our relation.
Not long ago we married and someone said: in relations people often say it's in take or leave, however my point of view is receive or leave!!
We try to implement that into our daily life, not always easy, but we manage. And we are sure you in your FLR practise the same, finally the 2 of you worked out the way your relations works best!

Still there is one issue we wonder about. Many times in your post you state "the exchange of power". We wonder why you use this wording. "Exchanging" means that you as the male passed over your power to the female. It implies that from the very start you support the general/basic idea that males are more powerful than females. This idea is not based on facts, nor on western rules (UN human rights declaration). Where did it come from? What is the reasoning behind it according to you?

Just a reflection, keep up the good work and we add you to our blog list,

Have a nice day,

Eva and Mike

s said...

I don't think you'll anger many people arguing that the theory of gynosupremacy is absurd. It's plainly ridiculous. Personally, I feel that sites like Sutton's, Harrison's and others espouse a ridiculous, cartoon-like view of the wife-led marriage that caters to extreme male sexual fantasy.

Of course, married couples choose to live within an FLR. Any comparison between FLR and non-FLR marriages would be specious, and it wouldn't be possible to draw any conclusions.

As an analogy, it's a fact that students that take music lessons perform better academically by virtually every measure. But it's silly to argue that taking lessons "causes" children to perform better academically. Rather, children with parents that opt for music lessons tend also to be pushed to succeed in other arenas, including academics. It's a typical "correlation isn't causation" example. You can't infer causation from any observational study.

Susan's Pet said...

Mike and Eva,

Thank you for your comments. I will not address all of the issues here because I am planning to post another that deals with our (MW and mine) specifi relationship. I will say, however, that we, too, share decisions. More on this later.

The term, "exchange of power" is generic and applies to any relationship in which one voluntarily gives up SOME power to the other in exchange for SOME benefits. The benefits are given by the one receiving more power. See for example, a typical employee/employer situation, or for that matter, any marriage or long-term living-together. The fact is that this power exchange does take place. I also admit that relationships do not remain constant. Any evoulution results in more power exhange in either direction.

Yes, the idea and definition are generic, but the fun and excitement are in living the details. Enjoy yours, and I hope to hear from you again.

Susan's Pet said...


Thank you for your comments.

I agree with your observation that FLR, WLM, etc. are stylized and presented as such. We must keep in mind that the typical Domina/Slave relationship of "professional" quality has always been stylized, so were male-dominant/female-submissive situations. The internet is ripe with examples of both.

I believe that most of these stylized and less than authentic situations cater to the male. It is only of late that females begin to take advantage of the "power that males give back to them" which suddenly become more authentic. I am not sure that this is fair to say, because the more I sound convincing in saying it, the less convincing it sounds when you look at it another way.

I would be willing to leave it to the participants to view it any way they like as long as they don't try to impose it on me. That was the basis of my assumptions (not proven except by analogy) and one of the points I was trying to make.

It sounds like you have had some experience or training in the application of logic. You are right about the music lesson analogy. Many people mistake effect for cause. That was my other other point in the posting.

Mistress160 said...

just dropped in for a reread :)

Susan's Pet said...

Mistress 160,

This is certainly a surprise, your reading old postings. Still, after I have re-read it, I think that I surprise myself. From time to time I still have some sober comments, and these were some of those. But for now, back to the wine.